Fear No Evil

FEAR NO EVIL (1981): Starring- Stefan Arngrim, Elizabeth Hoffman,

Kathleen Rowe McAllen

Directed by- Frank LaLoggia

FEAR NO EVIL. You might not recognize that title. And do you know why you probably don't recognize that title? Because the thing is a fucking piece of garbage that has rightfully fallen into obscurity, that's why!

You may be wondering why, then, did I choose this for my second review? Because I have such a deep, deep hatred for this movie and I just have to get this review out of the way.

I really don't know where to begin with this one, with its nonsensical plot, its incoherent and unsatisfying ending, the awful acting, the idiotic, random death scenes, the pointless zombies who pop up towards the end..... I could go on and on.

In fact, I could really just describe this movie's plot and it would sound bad. You know, I think I will.....

Fade In- We learn, through the most annoying narration I've heard since PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, that the Antichrist is destined to arrive on Earth as a normal human being and be killed by one of the three Archangels before he will arrive on Earth again and bring on the Second Coming of Jesus. We find out that the narration is coming from an elderly priest who is really one of the three archangels.

The priest is on his way to kill the Antichrist, and eventually meets the demon, who does little more than just running around and screaming like he's in immense pain. The priest impales the Antichrist with a giant crucifix, and that does the trick. (Huh, you'd think the human embodiment of all evil would be harder to kill... Oh, well, at least he finally stopped screaming!)

After the main titles, we see the baptism of young Andrew Williams (Arngrim). When the holy water touches his skin, Andrew begins to bleed. This causes everyone to freak out and run away. (Geez... I know that's a weird thing to see, but you would think that at least one person would try to take the bleeding baby to a hospital...)

In what amounts to little more than a five minute montage of voice-overs, we learn that Andrew's parents have been terrified of him ever since the baptism. Fast-forward to the day of Andrew's 18th birthday. Andrew is the quiet outcast at his high school. When he's not denying an offer from the school drug pusher, he's making out with that same guy in the school shower! (Yeah, that happens in this movie....).

Andrew begins to realize that he is the Antichrist, and starts to exercise his powers. He possesses the gym coach and makes him kill a student with a dodgeball (Yes, I'm serious...).

Meanwhile, the girlfriend of the dodgeball-murdered student realizes that she is really the Archangel Gabriel (McAllen). She teams up with the sister (Hoffman) of the elderly priest, who is also an Archangel, and they set off to bring an end to Andrew's evil.

On the night of a church play and the school dance, Andrew decides it's the perfect time to bring about the end of the world. He raises zombies from a local graveyard on a small island (for some reason). Meanwhile, the drug pusher and his friends are throwing a party on the same small island. The zombies make short work of the friends, but the drug pusher and his girlfriend manage to escape. Andrew appears out of nowhere, dressed in nothing but a cape (for some reason...), makes the drug pusher grow breasts (for some reason), makes out with him again (for some reason), and then the kid stabs himself (for some reason)!

Meanwhile, Andrew's dad randomly shoots his wife in the head. And I mean randomly....

The two Archangels arrive on the island and attack Andrew, who does that same damn annoying screaming! They quote Bible verses and then impale him with the same giant crucifix. Andrew then explodes into what looks like a laser light show. THE END.

Really, do I need to say any more? How about the fact that it looks like a bad TV movie? I don't even want to start talking about the Stigmata scene.... Plus, I know this'll probably sound kind of mean, but the lead actress is incredibly unattractive. It honestly looks like she has skin cancer or something. But at least they didn't hire an actress just for her looks, not that she can act very well, either....

Well, I guess I can say at least one nice thing about it. The actor playing Andrew isn't too bad until his screaming fit at the end. And the soundtrack is awesome!

My Rating: * out of * * * *