Don't Open Till Christmas

DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984): Starring- Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne, Mark Jones, Gerry Sundquist, Kelly Baker, Kevin Lloyd, and Caroline Munro.

Directed by-Edmund Purdom

Well, hello once again, my little minions. Christmas is upon us. To be honest, I've nearly run out of Christmas-themed horror movies to review. There's really not that many of them. And, yes, I know that there were four sequels to SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, but screw that. I've had enough of that movie for a lifetime. Besides we all know what would eventually pop up if I review those movies:

... Yeah. Not gonna happen. Instead, I've decided that this year, I'll stay as far away from SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT as possible. And what better way to do so that by reviewing a movie that is nearly the exact opposite of that one?

What I mean is that DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS is about a man going round killing people dressed as Santa, as opposed to a man dressed as Santa going round killing regular people. It's also incredibly stupid.

The film begins when a man performing as Santa Claus in an English nightclub being stabbed through the back of the throat with a spear. (How the killer managed to get into a nightclub carrying a spear, we'll probably never know.)

It turns out that this is the most recent in a series of Santa slayings, and Inspector Harris (Purdom) of Scotland Yard is working hard on the case. He interviews the man's distraught daughter, Kate (Mayne) but he turns up no leads in the investigation, though he suspects her boyfriend, Cliff (Sundquist).

Meanwhile, sleazy reporter Giles (Lake) attempts to sell information to another police officer, Sergeant Powell (Jones). Of course, he does this in the most cryptic, mysterious way possible, and all the while, threatening music is playing on the soundtrack. Now, I'm not trying to give anything away, but let's just say that Giles might as well have "I'M TOTALLY NOT THE KILLER" tattooed on his forehead.

While all this is going on, Several more Santas are murdered in increasingly gruesome ways: Such as stabbing, strangling, shooting, and even castration in a public restroom. (I'm dead serious.) I have to ask: are there really this many people just wandering the streets in Santa Claus outfits? I mean, I understand that the movie is set at Christmas time, but that's no excuse. Okay, so there are a few people who dress up as Santa, but that's usually only on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Otherwise, the only place you'll see someone dressed as Santa is at a mall or next to a Salvation Army stand.

Anyway, Kate continues to wonder about her father's murder when she is approached by Giles, who again acts about as suspicious as possible. Mind you, this is only about twenty minutes in. I've already essentially guessed who the killer is probably going to be. Then again, most of the supporting cast seem to be potential murderers. Cliff appears to have a severe anger issue, Giles is sleazy and mysterious, Inspector Harris seems to know just a bit too much about the case, and Gerry (Lloyd) is a porn photographer and slimy as all hell. Plus, most of the Santas are either sexual deviants or drunks or small time crooks. Seriously, we actually see a guy dressed as Santa Claus try to pick up a hooker in this movie. Who knew England was so sleazy in the 80's?

Incidentally, when we do see the killer on screen, he wears a mask that looks quite a lot like Giles' face. So, yeah, fuck any mystery there could possibly be to this movie! I think I'll just end the synopsis here, as it's far too easy to spoil the movie.

Oh, there is one more thing I'd like to mention: Inspector Harris is killed by an exploding Christmas present. I just couldn't help mentioning that.

This is an odd, for lack of a better word, movie. It' something of a hard one to review. You see, halfway through the film's production, director/star Edmund Purdom walked off the set, leaving behind only a few finished scenes. Direction was then taken over for two days by the film's writer, Derek Ford. When he was fired from the production, direction was taken over by the editor, Ray Selfe. Purdom returned for two scenes and then left the set permanently. New footage was shot, including gory inserts in the murder sequences, and was then added to the Purdom footage.

This creates a problem with the film, as Purdom plays the movie's central character, yet he isn't around for half of the movie. What we get is the rest of the cast basically describing what's happening off screen. The end product is a jumbled mish-mash of a movie. Characters appear and disappear from the plot very rapidly, important plot points take place off screen, and sometimes the footage honestly doesn't fit together that well.

But, what it lacks in narrative coherence, it makes up for in nasty murders and nasty Santas. It really seems as if this movie hates Christmas. In fact, this movie was released the same year as SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. So, that movie is greeted with controversy and picket signs, yet this movie just slips under the radar? Apparently, it's okay if twelve different Santas are killed in increasingly violent ways, but Santa simply cannot do the killing.

I'm not really sure what to say about this one. It's not very good, but it's not awful, either. It just sort of sits there, dull and flat. There's really no motivation anyone could possibly have for seeing it. I mean, who am I supposed to recommend this to? I guess, people who hate Santa Claus...?

Yeah, that'll work. If you have a homicidal rage toward Santa Claus, then this is the Christmas movie for you!

My rating: * * out of * * * *

Until next time, goodbye, and have a very Merry Christmas!

Plan 9 from Outer Space

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959): Starring- Gregory Walcott, Mona McKinnon, Duke Moore, Tom Keene, Tor Johnson, Paul Marco, Dudley Manlove (no, I'm not making that name up), Johanna Lee, John Breckinridge, Lyle Talbot, Conrad Brooks, Vampira (I'm not making that name up, either), Criswell, Tom Mason, and Bela Lugosi.

Directed by- Ed Wood.

Ah, Ed Wood, you magnificent, brilliant, insane bastard. Who else could have given us the movies you gave us?


For those of you who don't know him, Ed Wood is almost universally hailed and beloved as the worst director of all time. He brought us some of the worst, cheesiest, most insane and hilariously awful films of their time. And many movie fans, myself included, happen to love his movies for this very reason. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE happens to be a Halloween tradition for me.


So, without further ado, let's get on with the review!





The movie begins with a brief prologue, entitled "Criswell Predicts", in which popular "psychic" Criswell gives us a prediction for the future. FYI, this is Criswell:

Criswell has some wonderful advice to give us, such as: "My friends, you are interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives!" or "Future events, such as these, will affect you in the future!" Anyway, he attempts to make the claim that this movie was based on a true story (it wasn't) and we get on with the plot.

The film begins with the funeral of a young woman (played by former late-night TV hostess, Vampira). At the exact same moment, flying saucers are spotted in the sky, hovering over the graveyard. The young woman then rises from the grave and kills two gravediggers by raising her arms.

The next morning, the woman's husband (played by stock footage of Bela Lugosi) is distracted by his grief over her death, and is killed offscreen in a car accident. The man is also resurrected (now played by an obvious double).

Soon after, the gravediggers' bodies are discovered, and the police are called in, led by Inspector Clay (Tor Johnson, whose dialog is completely incomprehensible.) The old man and his wife make short work of Clay, and he is later resurrected as well.

The zombies (all three of them) and the flying saucers continue to terrorize the small town, and Earth is left with pilot Jeff Trent (Walcott) as it's only hero. We're doomed.

It so happens that a race of aliens is responsible for bringning back the dead as zombies in the hopes that this will stop humanity from creating a grand weapon that would destroy all life on Earth. So, their solution to the destruction of humanity is to destroy humanity? Makes sense, I guess...

I could write an essay on all the mistakes in this movie. There are numerous gravestones that are knocked over accidentally by the actors, the special effects are bad (and I don't mean 1950's bad, I mean hilariously bad), the dialog is stilted and silly, and most of the acting is downright awful.

Take, for instance, the flying saucers. I could describe them, but instead I've included a picture of them:

I think that photo speaks for itself.

How about the zombies? These are supposed to be terrifying, frightening creatures that will make humanity change its ways. And what do they look like, you may ask? Well, this:

Or, they look like this:

Not too intimidating, are they?

But, by far my favorite part of this of this movie has got to be the Lugosi character. You see, Ed Wood was a good friend of Lugosi towards the end of his life, and Lugosi starred in two of Wood's previous films. Unfortunately, the actor died shortly before filming of PLAN 9 began. However, Wood had leftover footage of Lugosi, and decided to splice it into the movie and market it as being Lugosi's last film. But Lugosi's character is rather central to the plot. So, half the time, we see stock footage of Lugosi, and half the time we see a double who looks nothing like Lugosi. Allow me to illustrate.

This is what the real Lugosi looked like at the time:

And this is what the double looks like:

Having trouble seeing the double's face? Well, too bad, because he does that "cape over the face" move every time he's on screen.

You know, I really should give this a negative review. I really should. There's absolutely nothing good about it, but it's just so damned entertaining. I can't bring myself to hate it. This movie is the very definition of the phrase "So bad it's good." It's really a lot of fun.

Does that mean that I'm recommending PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE? Well, let's put it this way: As a movie, it's terrible. But as a bad movie, it's a grade-A masterpiece! Besides, there are many worse ways to spend 70 minutes.

My rating: Rating this film is a somewhat difficult task, so I've decided to give it two ratings.

Regular movie scale: * out of * * * *

Trash movie scale: * * * * out of * * * *

Twilight (Oh, god, why?!)

     TWILIGHT (2008): Starring- Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli.

     Directed by- Catherine Harwicke

     (Sigh....)

     .... I really don't want to do this. I really don't want to do this. I REALLY don't want to do this!

     Chances are, if you're a fan of horror movies, then you didn't see this movie. Chances are, if you did see this movie, and liked it, then you don't like horror movies, consequently, you wouldn't be on this blog.

     All you need to know is that I'm doing this review for a friend. You know who you are, and  you owe me BIGTIME!

     Before I get to the review, I'd like to share a little experience I had with this movie. You see, the year this came out, I had a friend who was constantly raving about it to me, telling me how much I would love it. I asked this person why, and they told me: Because, after all these years, they had finally made a real vampire movie. That very second, I was no longer friends with this person.

     Now, why could that be? Why would I end a friendship over such a small issue? Oh, maybe because TWILIGHT isn't even fucking remotely close to being a real vampire movie!

     No, this is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     Hell, even this is a real vampire movie:

     .... But not TWILIGHT. No, not by a long shot. You see, it's missing several things that are crucial to a vampire movie: A plot, interesting characters, a frightening horror element/moving romance element, and vampires!!

     Yeah, I know the movie calls them vampires, but they're not. They're fucking not! Vampires do not walk around in daylight. Vampires do not go to high school. Vampires do not invite girls home to meet their families. Vampires do not play baseball. But, most importantly, vampires DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE!!! Oh, yes, I'm so intimidated by the pale, emo-looking guy with body glitter! Screw this movie.

     I'm sure you all know the plot by now, but here's a brief description: Boring, dumbass girl meets mysterious guy. Girl falls in love with Mysterious Guy. Mysterious guy turns out to be a vampire. Girl still claims to be in love with him, apparently just instantly believing him. Mysterious Guy warns her that he wants to murder her. Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy doesn't return her feelings in even the slightest, though he doesn't show any emotions, really. Increasingly Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy nearly gets her ripped apart by "evil" vampires (who actually do act like vampires. Why can't the movie be about them? Yeah it would still suck, but to a lesser extent). Increasingly, Painfully, Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. THE END. In other, stronger words: Pure, unadulterated bullshit!

     Really, the biggest problem with this movie is the writing behind it. Stephanie Meyer doesn't really seem to understand how human beings behave. Men are not mindless, passionless sex objects, as she seems to think. Women are not mindless, clingy, pathetic leeches, as she seems to think. I know I used the word "mindless" twice, but that one word could really describe the whole TWILIGHT franchise. It's mindless! And, as for the story, well what story?

     But, as bad as all of that is, this could've been saved if it were at least competently made. It's not. The movie is just poorly made. Most of the shots in this film look like a bad music video. No, I'm sorry, I misspoke. Saying that is an insult to bad music videos. The movie just looks like its makers knew that they would have a huge success, no matter what they made, so they just didn't even try.

     And as for the acting, well it sucks. I know for a fact that Robert Pattinson can do so much better than this. I mean, what is he doing here?! Kristin Stewart should just find a different profession altogether. The closest thing to a good performance this movie has is the evil, blond-haired vampire, whose name escapes me right now. He actually almost had me interested in the movie. But then he's dead after about five minutes. Way to go, movie! You just go ahead and waste the closest you've gotten to actually having a plot.

     But, I suppose this isn't the worst movie I've reviewed on this site, but it's pretty close.

     In closing, I'd like to note that one critic called this "The most epic romance since TITANIC." I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that statement....

     My rating: * 1/2  out of  * * * *

Blood Cult

     BLOOD CULT (1985): Starring- Charles Ellis, Juli Andleman, James Vance, Bennie Lee McGowan, and Josef Hardt.

                                              Directed by- Christopher Lewis.

     Folks, let me tell you something about your pal The Unknown Movie Fan. I'm not a drinker. And I don't usually drink. But, there's a bottle of black absinthe that I've been saving for a special, awful occasion. Right now, I'm ready to break it out, because I've got to be drunk off my ass for this. Why, you ask? Because this is the most irritating, shrill, annoying, poorly-made, ear-splitting, skull-shattering, eye-gouging, excuse for a movie that I've ever had the extreme displeasure of seeing.

     The movie I'm reviewing today is BLOOD CULT. But, before I get to the review, I have to give a little backstory on this "movie".

     You see, in the early 1980's, VHS was slowly becoming a profitable form of home entertainment. After a film was done with it's run in theaters, it would be released on VHS and the distributor would make a killing on the profits. 

     Eventually, some studios decided to eliminate the middle-man and remove theaters from the equation. This meant they could hire amateur directors to shoot cheap movies on video, and these "movies" would be released directly to the VHS market. I put quotes around movies because most of these things were really just amateur porn without the sex, or the talent.

    Anyway, the first studio to employ this technique was United Home Video. And what was the first movie that they released this way? Why, BLOOD CULT, of course!. That's right, BLOOD CULT is the first direct-to-video movie. 

     Doesn't that just sound like the backstory of an absolute classic movie?! Well, it's not. In fact, BLOOD CULT just might be in the running for the worst movie of all time.

     Okay, let's be honest. The horror genre is filled with bad movies, and we've all seen at least one bad movie in our lives:

     But those movies at least have something remotely entertaining about them. With this movie, I was actually in pain while watching it. I mean it really hurt. I think it shaved years off my life. Seriously, I walked into this with absolutely zero expectations, and I was still disappointed. No, not just disappointed, I was insulted by this piece of garbage.  

     So, let's go ahead and get started on the atrocity that is BLOOD CULT. Oh, and if you happen to see a horrible, bloody pulp lying around, don't worry. That's not a murder victim, it's just the shredded remains of the art of film-making.

     BLOOD CULT begins when a college girl (who shows all the enthusiasm and concern of a head of lettuce) is chopped to death in her shower. The murderer steals the girl's hand and leaves behind a small gold coin. 

    The town sheriff (Ellis, who can be clearly seen reading his lines from the script several times) is called in to investigate. But, seeing as he's an incompetent dumbass, he finds no leads, and several more poorly-shot murders are committed.

     With the help of his daughter (Andleman) and her boyfriend (Vance), the sheriff eventually discovers that the coins can be traced back to an ancient cult of dog-worshipers (yes, the movie goes there). The cult's practices include human sacrifice and bodily mutilation. After an unbearable 89 minutes, the sheriff discovers that this cult might be closer to him than he expected, and it's members include the kindly old town doctor (Hardt) and- GASP!- the sheriff's own daughter!

    God, what an awful movie this is. I honestly don't know what to say. In fact, it would be easier to go point-by-point and name all the areas where the filmmakers screwed up:

1.     FILMING: Now, I'll admit that it's almost impossible to make something look good if it was shot on video, but this movie looks atrocious even by those standards. The shots in the film are flat and uninteresting, and there's nothing that catches the eye. Everything either looks like a bad 80's music video, or it looks like a bad 80's infomercial. In fact, half the time I expected the actors were going to start trying to sell me car insurance. Also, there are several scenes in the movie where it seems like the sound technician turned his equipment off. I seriously can't hear a damn thing the actors are saying. This looks like something that a fourth-grader would shoot in his back yard.
2. WRITING: To start with, the entire premise of this movie is really unoriginal. That could've been overcome if it was written halfway decently. But it wasn't. It just wasn't. The story is poorly written, the dialog is atrocious, and the characters are unconvincing and unrealistic.
3. ACTING: And, when I say "acting" I'm not really sure what I mean. I can't really call these people actors and keep a straight face. They should really be called "Cue-card-readers", or "Friends-of-the-director-who-never-acted-again". Honestly, these people are just so awful. Every delivery, every syllable spoken in this movie is either unbelievably wooden, or unbelievably hammy, or some godawful mixture of the two. Even the women being murdered are terrible. How fucking hard is it to scream?! I honestly started to feel disgust for the human race while I was watching these monstrosities.

    There. That should be all that I have to say. Do I need to make it any clearer than that? Okay. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!

    I implore you, from the bottom of my heart, don't see this movie! I'm serious. Just don't. This isn't even a movie! It's 89 minutes of torture. That's what this thing is!

    The tagline for this movie was: "The first direct-to-video movie might just scare you to death!" Well, while I may not have been scared, I will give the movie some credit for almost killing me, because about halfway through it, I was ready to shoot myself. But I didn't. I survived this tragedy. And, now, I have to go find some way to erase my memory of it.

     My rating-  *  out of  * * * *

Lisa and the Devil/ The House of Exorcism (Different titles, almost the same movie)

Oh, this is gonna be hell for me.... Why, you ask? Well, it's because one of these movies is a horror classic, a cinematic masterpiece, and an eternal testament to the talents of a truly great director. And the other is a rip-off of another horror classic, a hacked-up ruination of that cinematic masterpiece, and a great insult to that truly great director. But, here's the thing: these are both the same fucking movie!! Well, kind of... You see, the difference between them is.... oh forget it! There's only one solution to this: a double review!

LISA AND THE DEVIL (1973): Starring- Elke Sommer, Telly Savalas, Alessio Orano, Sylvia Koscina, Eduardo Fajardo, Gabrielle Tinti, Espartaco Santini, and Alida Valli.

Directed by- Mario Bava

Well, here I go. After the enormous success of his film, BARON BLOOD (1972), director Mario Bava was given carte blanche to direct what he would consider his masterpiece, and this is what he came up with: a hauntingly beautiful masterpiece that transcends both the horror genre and the art of film. Everything in this film is beautiful, even the death scenes.

The "plot" is as follows: Young Lisa (Sommer) is visiting Spain and follows a tour to view a beautiful fresco of the Devil carrying away the dead to Hell. When she hears a strange, whimsical music playing, she follows the sound into a small antique shop. The music is coming from a music box owned by the sinister Leandro (brilliantly played by Savalas), who bears a remarkable resemblance to the image of the Devil (hint, hint....). She wanders out of the shop and finds that her tour is gone, and that all the streets seem to be deserted.

Lisa proceeds to wander the streets, and is assaulted by Carlo (Santini), who believes her to be his long-lost wife, Elena. After accidentally knocking Carlo down a stone stairway, Lisa hitches a ride with a wealthy couple (Koscina and Fajardo) and their driver (Tinti).

The group move on until the car breaks down in front of a small villa owned by a mad, blind Countess (Valli) and her seemingly innocent son, Maximilian (Orano). These two live here all alone except for their butler- guess who- devilish Leandro. Lisa and the others decide to stay there for the night. Once inside, their night becomes a nonsensical, lyrical, dream-like, moody, nightmare of murder, betrayal, necrophilia, seduction, incest, ghosts, and a melding of past, present, and future, all overseen by Leandro, or the Devil, if you prefer....

I could go on for pages and pages attempting to describe the many things that happen within the confines of this film, but that would only ruin the experience for you. Let me just say that when you see this, don't try to make sense of the plot, this isn't a film that revolves around it's story. And there's definitely nothing else like it.

My rating: * * * * out of * * * *

Unfortunately, this version of the movie was too different for Bava's producers, who expected a simple, straightforward horror movie and got something much different. Bava could find no one to distribute the film. In fact, technically, this version of the movie was never released theatrically. Sadly, after the film had languished in the vaults for several years, it was re-edited by producer Alfredo Leone and released as....

THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM (1974): Starring- Elke Sommer, Telly Savalas, Robert Alda, Sylvia Koscina, Alessio Orano, Eduardo Fajardo, Gabrielle Tinti, Espartico Santini, and Alida Valli.

Directed by- "Mickey Lion" (Mario Bava and Alfredo Leone)

..... this monstrosity. After finding no one to distribute LISA AND THE DEVIL, producer Alfredo Leone decided to cut more than 20 minutes out of the film (including its ending) and to insert newly-shot scenes that would cash in on the most popular horror film of the day.

What movie was it, you ask? Well, just think about it. Can't figure it out? Alright, I'll give you a hint- A young woman is tied to a bed, possessed, and is being exorcised by a priest who is rapidly losing his faith. Still can't think of it? OK, here's another hint- it starts with THE and ends with EXORCIST. Yes, that's right. They took a beautiful, atmospheric masterpiece, and turned it into an EXORCIST clone. And it isn't even one of the better EXORCIST clones!

Father Michael (Alda) is watching over a young tourist (Sommer), who mysteriously began screaming profanity and spitting up green vomit (Gee, where have I heard that before?). Eventually, the priest decides it's time for an exorcism. He begins speaking with the demon and learns the story of how it came to be inhabiting the body of this poor young girl. (The "story" is really just the mangled remaining footage from LISA AND THE DEVIL.) After hearing this story, Father Michael realizes that the only way he can save the girl is to exorcise spirits from an empty, ancient villa. And he does. THE END.

Why? Why would they do this to such a beautiful, complex movie is beyond me. I mean this is just crap. In case you're wondering, the added-on exorcism scenes are godawful. Not even classic actor Robert Alda can save them with his lazy, half-hearted, phoned-in performance. And these scenes are a great insult to Mario Bava, who refused to be present during their shooting, and had his name removed from the final product (Note the "Mickey Lion" pseudonym).

Also, just look at that stupid title! "THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM"? What the hell does that mean?!

It's trash.

My rating: * out of * * * *

So, to summarize, definitely see LISA AND THE DEVIL, destroy any print you can find of THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM.

Fear No Evil

FEAR NO EVIL (1981): Starring- Stefan Arngrim, Elizabeth Hoffman,

Kathleen Rowe McAllen

Directed by- Frank LaLoggia

FEAR NO EVIL. You might not recognize that title. And do you know why you probably don't recognize that title? Because the thing is a fucking piece of garbage that has rightfully fallen into obscurity, that's why!

You may be wondering why, then, did I choose this for my second review? Because I have such a deep, deep hatred for this movie and I just have to get this review out of the way.

I really don't know where to begin with this one, with its nonsensical plot, its incoherent and unsatisfying ending, the awful acting, the idiotic, random death scenes, the pointless zombies who pop up towards the end..... I could go on and on.

In fact, I could really just describe this movie's plot and it would sound bad. You know, I think I will.....

Fade In- We learn, through the most annoying narration I've heard since PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, that the Antichrist is destined to arrive on Earth as a normal human being and be killed by one of the three Archangels before he will arrive on Earth again and bring on the Second Coming of Jesus. We find out that the narration is coming from an elderly priest who is really one of the three archangels.

The priest is on his way to kill the Antichrist, and eventually meets the demon, who does little more than just running around and screaming like he's in immense pain. The priest impales the Antichrist with a giant crucifix, and that does the trick. (Huh, you'd think the human embodiment of all evil would be harder to kill... Oh, well, at least he finally stopped screaming!)

After the main titles, we see the baptism of young Andrew Williams (Arngrim). When the holy water touches his skin, Andrew begins to bleed. This causes everyone to freak out and run away. (Geez... I know that's a weird thing to see, but you would think that at least one person would try to take the bleeding baby to a hospital...)

In what amounts to little more than a five minute montage of voice-overs, we learn that Andrew's parents have been terrified of him ever since the baptism. Fast-forward to the day of Andrew's 18th birthday. Andrew is the quiet outcast at his high school. When he's not denying an offer from the school drug pusher, he's making out with that same guy in the school shower! (Yeah, that happens in this movie....).

Andrew begins to realize that he is the Antichrist, and starts to exercise his powers. He possesses the gym coach and makes him kill a student with a dodgeball (Yes, I'm serious...).

Meanwhile, the girlfriend of the dodgeball-murdered student realizes that she is really the Archangel Gabriel (McAllen). She teams up with the sister (Hoffman) of the elderly priest, who is also an Archangel, and they set off to bring an end to Andrew's evil.

On the night of a church play and the school dance, Andrew decides it's the perfect time to bring about the end of the world. He raises zombies from a local graveyard on a small island (for some reason). Meanwhile, the drug pusher and his friends are throwing a party on the same small island. The zombies make short work of the friends, but the drug pusher and his girlfriend manage to escape. Andrew appears out of nowhere, dressed in nothing but a cape (for some reason...), makes the drug pusher grow breasts (for some reason), makes out with him again (for some reason), and then the kid stabs himself (for some reason)!

Meanwhile, Andrew's dad randomly shoots his wife in the head. And I mean randomly....

The two Archangels arrive on the island and attack Andrew, who does that same damn annoying screaming! They quote Bible verses and then impale him with the same giant crucifix. Andrew then explodes into what looks like a laser light show. THE END.

Really, do I need to say any more? How about the fact that it looks like a bad TV movie? I don't even want to start talking about the Stigmata scene.... Plus, I know this'll probably sound kind of mean, but the lead actress is incredibly unattractive. It honestly looks like she has skin cancer or something. But at least they didn't hire an actress just for her looks, not that she can act very well, either....

Well, I guess I can say at least one nice thing about it. The actor playing Andrew isn't too bad until his screaming fit at the end. And the soundtrack is awesome!

My Rating: * out of * * * *