TWILIGHT (2008): Starring- Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli.
Directed by- Catherine Harwicke
(Sigh....)
.... I really don't want to do this. I really don't want to do this. I REALLY don't want to do this!
Chances are, if you're a fan of horror movies, then you didn't see this movie. Chances are, if you did see this movie, and liked it, then you don't like horror movies, consequently, you wouldn't be on this blog.
All you need to know is that I'm doing this review for a friend. You know who you are, and you owe me BIGTIME!
Before I get to the review, I'd like to share a little experience I had with this movie. You see, the year this came out, I had a friend who was constantly raving about it to me, telling me how much I would love it. I asked this person why, and they told me: Because, after all these years, they had finally made a real vampire movie. That very second, I was no longer friends with this person.
Now, why could that be? Why would I end a friendship over such a small issue? Oh, maybe because TWILIGHT isn't even fucking remotely close to being a real vampire movie!
No, this is a real vampire movie:
This is a real vampire movie:
This is a real vampire movie:
This is a real vampire movie:
This is a real vampire movie:
This is a real vampire movie:
This is a real vampire movie:
This is a real vampire movie:
This is a real vampire movie:
Hell, even this is a real vampire movie:
.... But not TWILIGHT. No, not by a long shot. You see, it's missing several things that are crucial to a vampire movie: A plot, interesting characters, a frightening horror element/moving romance element, and vampires!!
Yeah, I know the movie calls them vampires, but they're not. They're fucking not! Vampires do not walk around in daylight. Vampires do not go to high school. Vampires do not invite girls home to meet their families. Vampires do not play baseball. But, most importantly, vampires DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE!!! Oh, yes, I'm so intimidated by the pale, emo-looking guy with body glitter! Screw this movie.
I'm sure you all know the plot by now, but here's a brief description: Boring, dumbass girl meets mysterious guy. Girl falls in love with Mysterious Guy. Mysterious guy turns out to be a vampire. Girl still claims to be in love with him, apparently just instantly believing him. Mysterious Guy warns her that he wants to murder her. Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy doesn't return her feelings in even the slightest, though he doesn't show any emotions, really. Increasingly Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy nearly gets her ripped apart by "evil" vampires (who actually do act like vampires. Why can't the movie be about them? Yeah it would still suck, but to a lesser extent). Increasingly, Painfully, Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. THE END. In other, stronger words: Pure, unadulterated bullshit!
Really, the biggest problem with this movie is the writing behind it. Stephanie Meyer doesn't really seem to understand how human beings behave. Men are not mindless, passionless sex objects, as she seems to think. Women are not mindless, clingy, pathetic leeches, as she seems to think. I know I used the word "mindless" twice, but that one word could really describe the whole TWILIGHT franchise. It's mindless! And, as for the story, well what story?
But, as bad as all of that is, this could've been saved if it were at least competently made. It's not. The movie is just poorly made. Most of the shots in this film look like a bad music video. No, I'm sorry, I misspoke. Saying that is an insult to bad music videos. The movie just looks like its makers knew that they would have a huge success, no matter what they made, so they just didn't even try.
And as for the acting, well it sucks. I know for a fact that Robert Pattinson can do so much better than this. I mean, what is he doing here?! Kristin Stewart should just find a different profession altogether. The closest thing to a good performance this movie has is the evil, blond-haired vampire, whose name escapes me right now. He actually almost had me interested in the movie. But then he's dead after about five minutes. Way to go, movie! You just go ahead and waste the closest you've gotten to actually having a plot.
But, I suppose this isn't the worst movie I've reviewed on this site, but it's pretty close.
In closing, I'd like to note that one critic called this "The most epic romance since TITANIC." I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that statement....
My rating: * 1/2 out of * * * *
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