DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984): Starring- Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne, Mark Jones, Gerry Sundquist, Kelly Baker, Kevin Lloyd, and Caroline Munro.
Well, hello once again, my little minions. Christmas is upon us. To be honest, I've nearly run out of Christmas-themed horror movies to review. There's really not that many of them. And, yes, I know that there were four sequels to SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, but screw that. I've had enough of that movie for a lifetime. Besides we all know what would eventually pop up if I review those movies:
... Yeah. Not gonna happen. Instead, I've decided that this year, I'll stay as far away from SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT as possible. And what better way to do so that by reviewing a movie that is nearly the exact opposite of that one?
What I mean is that DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS is about a man going round killing people dressed as Santa, as opposed to a man dressed as Santa going round killing regular people. It's also incredibly stupid.
The film begins when a man performing as Santa Claus in an English nightclub being stabbed through the back of the throat with a spear. (How the killer managed to get into a nightclub carrying a spear, we'll probably never know.)
It turns out that this is the most recent in a series of Santa slayings, and Inspector Harris (Purdom) of Scotland Yard is working hard on the case. He interviews the man's distraught daughter, Kate (Mayne) but he turns up no leads in the investigation, though he suspects her boyfriend, Cliff (Sundquist).
Meanwhile, sleazy reporter Giles (Lake) attempts to sell information to another police officer, Sergeant Powell (Jones). Of course, he does this in the most cryptic, mysterious way possible, and all the while, threatening music is playing on the soundtrack. Now, I'm not trying to give anything away, but let's just say that Giles might as well have "I'M TOTALLY NOT THE KILLER" tattooed on his forehead.
While all this is going on, Several more Santas are murdered in increasingly gruesome ways: Such as stabbing, strangling, shooting, and even castration in a public restroom. (I'm dead serious.) I have to ask: are there really this many people just wandering the streets in Santa Claus outfits? I mean, I understand that the movie is set at Christmas time, but that's no excuse. Okay, so there are a few people who dress up as Santa, but that's usually only on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Otherwise, the only place you'll see someone dressed as Santa is at a mall or next to a Salvation Army stand.
Anyway, Kate continues to wonder about her father's murder when she is approached by Giles, who again acts about as suspicious as possible. Mind you, this is only about twenty minutes in. I've already essentially guessed who the killer is probably going to be. Then again, most of the supporting cast seem to be potential murderers. Cliff appears to have a severe anger issue, Giles is sleazy and mysterious, Inspector Harris seems to know just a bit too much about the case, and Gerry (Lloyd) is a porn photographer and slimy as all hell. Plus, most of the Santas are either sexual deviants or drunks or small time crooks. Seriously, we actually see a guy dressed as Santa Claus try to pick up a hooker in this movie. Who knew England was so sleazy in the 80's?
Incidentally, when we do see the killer on screen, he wears a mask that looks quite a lot like Giles' face. So, yeah, fuck any mystery there could possibly be to this movie! I think I'll just end the synopsis here, as it's far too easy to spoil the movie.
Oh, there is one more thing I'd like to mention: Inspector Harris is killed by an exploding Christmas present. I just couldn't help mentioning that.
This is an odd, for lack of a better word, movie. It' something of a hard one to review. You see, halfway through the film's production, director/star Edmund Purdom walked off the set, leaving behind only a few finished scenes. Direction was then taken over for two days by the film's writer, Derek Ford. When he was fired from the production, direction was taken over by the editor, Ray Selfe. Purdom returned for two scenes and then left the set permanently. New footage was shot, including gory inserts in the murder sequences, and was then added to the Purdom footage.
This creates a problem with the film, as Purdom plays the movie's central character, yet he isn't around for half of the movie. What we get is the rest of the cast basically describing what's happening off screen. The end product is a jumbled mish-mash of a movie. Characters appear and disappear from the plot very rapidly, important plot points take place off screen, and sometimes the footage honestly doesn't fit together that well.
But, what it lacks in narrative coherence, it makes up for in nasty murders and nasty Santas. It really seems as if this movie hates Christmas. In fact, this movie was released the same year as SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. So, that movie is greeted with controversy and picket signs, yet this movie just slips under the radar? Apparently, it's okay if twelve different Santas are killed in increasingly violent ways, but Santa simply cannot do the killing.
I'm not really sure what to say about this one. It's not very good, but it's not awful, either. It just sort of sits there, dull and flat. There's really no motivation anyone could possibly have for seeing it. I mean, who am I supposed to recommend this to? I guess, people who hate Santa Claus...?
Yeah, that'll work. If you have a homicidal rage toward Santa Claus, then this is the Christmas movie for you!
My rating: * * out of * * * *
Until next time, goodbye, and have a very Merry Christmas!
