Don't Open Till Christmas

DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984): Starring- Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne, Mark Jones, Gerry Sundquist, Kelly Baker, Kevin Lloyd, and Caroline Munro.

Directed by-Edmund Purdom

Well, hello once again, my little minions. Christmas is upon us. To be honest, I've nearly run out of Christmas-themed horror movies to review. There's really not that many of them. And, yes, I know that there were four sequels to SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, but screw that. I've had enough of that movie for a lifetime. Besides we all know what would eventually pop up if I review those movies:

... Yeah. Not gonna happen. Instead, I've decided that this year, I'll stay as far away from SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT as possible. And what better way to do so that by reviewing a movie that is nearly the exact opposite of that one?

What I mean is that DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS is about a man going round killing people dressed as Santa, as opposed to a man dressed as Santa going round killing regular people. It's also incredibly stupid.

The film begins when a man performing as Santa Claus in an English nightclub being stabbed through the back of the throat with a spear. (How the killer managed to get into a nightclub carrying a spear, we'll probably never know.)

It turns out that this is the most recent in a series of Santa slayings, and Inspector Harris (Purdom) of Scotland Yard is working hard on the case. He interviews the man's distraught daughter, Kate (Mayne) but he turns up no leads in the investigation, though he suspects her boyfriend, Cliff (Sundquist).

Meanwhile, sleazy reporter Giles (Lake) attempts to sell information to another police officer, Sergeant Powell (Jones). Of course, he does this in the most cryptic, mysterious way possible, and all the while, threatening music is playing on the soundtrack. Now, I'm not trying to give anything away, but let's just say that Giles might as well have "I'M TOTALLY NOT THE KILLER" tattooed on his forehead.

While all this is going on, Several more Santas are murdered in increasingly gruesome ways: Such as stabbing, strangling, shooting, and even castration in a public restroom. (I'm dead serious.) I have to ask: are there really this many people just wandering the streets in Santa Claus outfits? I mean, I understand that the movie is set at Christmas time, but that's no excuse. Okay, so there are a few people who dress up as Santa, but that's usually only on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Otherwise, the only place you'll see someone dressed as Santa is at a mall or next to a Salvation Army stand.

Anyway, Kate continues to wonder about her father's murder when she is approached by Giles, who again acts about as suspicious as possible. Mind you, this is only about twenty minutes in. I've already essentially guessed who the killer is probably going to be. Then again, most of the supporting cast seem to be potential murderers. Cliff appears to have a severe anger issue, Giles is sleazy and mysterious, Inspector Harris seems to know just a bit too much about the case, and Gerry (Lloyd) is a porn photographer and slimy as all hell. Plus, most of the Santas are either sexual deviants or drunks or small time crooks. Seriously, we actually see a guy dressed as Santa Claus try to pick up a hooker in this movie. Who knew England was so sleazy in the 80's?

Incidentally, when we do see the killer on screen, he wears a mask that looks quite a lot like Giles' face. So, yeah, fuck any mystery there could possibly be to this movie! I think I'll just end the synopsis here, as it's far too easy to spoil the movie.

Oh, there is one more thing I'd like to mention: Inspector Harris is killed by an exploding Christmas present. I just couldn't help mentioning that.

This is an odd, for lack of a better word, movie. It' something of a hard one to review. You see, halfway through the film's production, director/star Edmund Purdom walked off the set, leaving behind only a few finished scenes. Direction was then taken over for two days by the film's writer, Derek Ford. When he was fired from the production, direction was taken over by the editor, Ray Selfe. Purdom returned for two scenes and then left the set permanently. New footage was shot, including gory inserts in the murder sequences, and was then added to the Purdom footage.

This creates a problem with the film, as Purdom plays the movie's central character, yet he isn't around for half of the movie. What we get is the rest of the cast basically describing what's happening off screen. The end product is a jumbled mish-mash of a movie. Characters appear and disappear from the plot very rapidly, important plot points take place off screen, and sometimes the footage honestly doesn't fit together that well.

But, what it lacks in narrative coherence, it makes up for in nasty murders and nasty Santas. It really seems as if this movie hates Christmas. In fact, this movie was released the same year as SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. So, that movie is greeted with controversy and picket signs, yet this movie just slips under the radar? Apparently, it's okay if twelve different Santas are killed in increasingly violent ways, but Santa simply cannot do the killing.

I'm not really sure what to say about this one. It's not very good, but it's not awful, either. It just sort of sits there, dull and flat. There's really no motivation anyone could possibly have for seeing it. I mean, who am I supposed to recommend this to? I guess, people who hate Santa Claus...?

Yeah, that'll work. If you have a homicidal rage toward Santa Claus, then this is the Christmas movie for you!

My rating: * * out of * * * *

Until next time, goodbye, and have a very Merry Christmas!

Silent Night, Deadly Night

     SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984): Starring- Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero, Britt Leach, Nancy Borgenicht, H.E.D. Redford, Danny Wagner, Linnea Quigley, Leo Geter, Randy Stumpf, and Will Hare.

     Directed by- Charles E. Sellier, Jr.

     Well, it's Christmas Eve, and with Old Saint Nick on his way, I thought I'd review one of the great Christmas classics of all time: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT!

     Because, when you think Christmas, it's obvious that this image comes to mind:

     .... And what a cheerful thought it is! So full of the Christmas spirit! Just look at that skinny, non-jolly sociopath, with his obvious fake beard and his joyous, gleaming, axe. Ah, fills me up with that warm, cheerful feeling. What, you aren't reminded of Christmas when you see a murderer dressed as Santa Claus? Well, good, because he's not really Santa Claus....

     Okay, I'll stop joking. I mean, we are talking about a Christmas movie that features the line: "Time to get shit-faced!"  In fact, just go on back to the top of this post and look at that poster.  What were you expecting, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? Well, that's not what we're getting. And, painful as it may be, I'm here to review this. I may only get coal tomorrow morning, but I will review this! I might wake up in Hell the day I die, but I will review this movie!

     .... Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but this is a bad movie! Well, let's dig in to the poisoned Christmas cookie that is.... SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

     Oh, and before we get started- Those of you expecting me to make the joke, I'm not doing it. That joke is overused already. Besides, that line wasn't even in this movie. It was in the sequel.

     

     So, the movie begins with young Billy (Wilson) on a long car ride with his parents and his infant brother, Ricky.

     This happy little family is off to visit Billy's crazy Grandpa (Hare). Why they decided to do this on Christmas Eve, I'll never know, as they seem to have stashed the poor old guy in another state. I mean, if you're trying to get rid of your elderly relatives, don't go visiting them after you've succeeded.

     Then, we see the reason that Grandpa is kept so far away from them. After pretending to be catatonic, Grandpa wakes up to warn Billy to be careful. You see, according to Grandpa, Santa Claus punishes naughty children horribly, and Billy had better run for his life if he sees Santa this night.

     After this, the family start their long journey back to wherever-the-hell-they-live, and wouldn't you know it, they're flagged down and held at gunpoint by a criminal dressed as- you guessed it- Santa! Billy, taking Grandpa's advice runs for his life, while the criminal guns down his father, then rapes his mother and stabs her to death. Billy sees all of this and it leaves him with serious mental scars. While all this is happening, little Ricky is crying and there are cheery Christmas carols playing on the car's radio. Stay classy, movie, stay classy....

     .... And, that's it for this point in the plot. We're not told how Billy and Ricky survive this ordeal, or what happens to the evil Saint Nick, or even whether crazy old Grandpa survived the night. Nope. None of that. Just, cut to five years later, where Billy and Ricky are living in an orphanage run by nuns. Right now, I'm just hoping the movie doesn't turn into nunsploitation. It doesn't. 

    Billy is having serious issues with the Christmas season, such as drawing  pictures of a bloody, murdering Santa Claus, and beating up a Santa that comes to visit the orphanage. Weird, you'd think that Catholic nuns would want to focus on the whole Christian aspect of Christmas, instead of focusing on Santa. Guess not.

    Anyway, Sister Margaret (McCormick) believes that Billy needs professional help to cure him of his Santa phobia. But Mother Superior (Chauvin) decides that all he needs is a good beating, because, as we all know, Catholics don't believe in science or psychology. No, those are all lies. Just punish, punish, punish! God, how stereotypical can you get? 

     So Billy is taught by Mother Superior that "Punishment is good!" Gee, I bet this won't have any affect on him in his later years. 

     Cut to eight years later, and Billy is now grown and trying to get a job. He eventually lands a position in the stockroom of a department store run by sleazy Mr. Sims (Leach). There he works hard and gains the respect of Sims and falls in love with coworker Pamela (Nero). Unfortunately, even-sleazier Andy (Stumpf) already has his eyes set on her. At least this is what I think happened. It was hard to tell, since most of this is told through a cheezy '80's montage. I'm not kidding. There's actually a fricking ten-minute-long montage in this movie!

     It so happens that the man scheduled to play Santa for the store is sick, or dead, or something. This leads Mr. Sims to make Billy play Santa for the little children. This, of course, brings back horrible memories for Billy, but he manages to hold himself together well. Except for the fact that he threatens the children. 

    Then comes Christmas Eve. After closing, Mr. Sims breaks out the vodka a throw a Christmas party where it's "Time to get shit-faced!" While everyone is doing so, Andy takes Pamela back to the storeroom and tries to rape her. Billy accidentally sees this, and it sends him over the edge. But, instead of helping poor Pamela, he simply strangles Andy with a string of Christmas lights, and then stabs her in the chest with a boxcutter. 

     Bill then dispatches drunken Mr. Sims, and sets off on an old-fashioned holiday killing spree, including sled decapitations, shootings, and, I kid you not, impalement on a set of antlers. Yeah.

     

    So, let's be honest, this movie is nothing special. It's poorly made, for the most part poorly acted, and just bad. Even the gore effects look silly. Even the whole Killer Santa idea has been done long before this. Yet, there's something about it that I just can't resist. It has a certain tacky charm. If you'll pardon the expression, this movie has balls. It truly pulls no punches whatsoever. Really, I can't think of anything that would make this movie more tasteless. Well, maybe if it were directed by John Waters.

    And, you have to admit that the movie does have some memorable dialog- No. That train of thought can only lead back to that stupid joke, and I won't do it!

     I suppose I should also talk about the controversy. This film got into a large amount of trouble when worried parents saw a TV spot the featured an image of Billy in the Santa suit and carrying the axe. Apparently, they thought that the film was going to somehow hurt their children. Okay.... and in what screwed-up world are you letting your young child see this movie in the first place? I mean, come on! That has to be the stupidest claim I've heard since Billy Graham said that THE EXORCIST had the power of Satan behind it. It's just a movie, folks! But, if anything, this ridiculous incident proved that you do not fuck with the PTA. Theaters showing the film were boycotted and picketed, so much so that Tri Star eventually pulled the film from distribution. Wow.

     So, if you want to watch something a little different this Christmas, or if you just want to throw dirt in the face of censorship, go ahead and watch SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. You'll probably regret it, but hey, it's Christmas.

     My rating: * *  out of  * * * *

     There, I reviewed a SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movie without making that stupid joke. Oh, alright, I'll do it. But only because it's Christmas Eve:

     From everyone here at The Crypt of Terror, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, and GARBAGE DAY!  

Black Christmas

     BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974): Starring- Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, Keir Dullea, Marian Waldman, Andrea Martin, James Edmond, and John Saxon.

                                                          Directed by- Bob Clark

     Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. Yes, I know it's been a while since my last post, but I have some vacation time coming up, and I thought I'd get myself in the good old Christmas spirit by watching the ultimate Christmas themed horror movie: BLACK CHRISTMAS.

     You may remember that in my review of HALLOWEEN, I called this movie the original slasher film. I stand by that comment. While this may not be the first movie to feature a psychotic maniac killing off the cast one-by-one, this is the first movie to employ all the classic elements of a slasher film. It's all here: The point-of-view shots, the slutty teenage girls, the isolated setting, the nasty death scenes, the creepy phone calls, the clueless police officers, even the holiday-themed title.

     The film was directed by Bob Clark, whose name you might recognize from another Christmas classic:

       Can't you just imagine little Ralphie turning into a serial killer?

     That's right. The guy who directed A CHRISTMAS STORY also directed this. In fact, this wasn't his first horror movie, either...

                     Oh, Dear God, why did I have to bring this up?   

     ....Right. Well, I promise you that BLACK CHRISTMAS is much, much better. So, with all that said, break out the fruitcake and the butcher knife, and let's dig into this charming little holiday classic. 

     The film opens in a college dormitory. The girls are all prepared to leave for Christmas, when the get a strange phone call from an unknown source. The caller says a number of grotesque, profane remarks, grunts, and screams before hanging up. This can't be a good sign. But, before the terror begins, we get a window into these girls' lives. Jess (Hussey) is having relationship problems with her unstable boyfriend, Peter (Dullea, who is way too old for the part he's playing here).  Clare (Lynne Griffin) is leaving to visit her family. Phyllis (Martin) is just the nerd who doesn't have much of a backstory.  Mrs. MacHenry is intent to drink every form of alcohol in sight, and Barbara (Kidder) does pretty much the exact same thing....

     All of these story threads could make for an interesting drama film, but then I wouldn't be reviewing it, would I? Yes, before you know it, Clare has been suffocated with a plastic bag and propped up in the attic. Somehow, no one notices this.

     The next day, Clare's father (Edmond) shows up looking for his daughter. He's fairly stiff, and has some fun scenes with Mrs. MacHenry before she gets a hook driven into her throat. 

     Meanwhile, Jess discovers that she is pregnant with Peter's child. This doesn't go over well with Peter, who seems less sane every time he's onscreen. More phone calls are made, and Jess and Phyllis finally decide to call the police. Lt. Fuller (Saxon) arrives and begins the process of tracing the calls, while also mounting the search for Clare.

     More people are eventually killed and Jess begins to suspect that Peter may be behind all of this after it is discovered that the calls are coming from inside the house (yeah, big surprise....).

     I'll also add that this film has one of the most unnerving endings of all time, but I'll never tell you what is. You'll have to watch the movie yourself.

     Anyway, this movie may not have the most original premise (though it was the first movie that I know of to use the "Calls-from-inside-the-house" twist), where it really shines is its direction and acting. The film is just oozing with atmosphere and is beautifully shot. I don't care what people say, John Carpenter definitely ripped off the opening POV shot in HALLOWEEN.

    And then there's the cast. This movie has one of the most unique casts I've ever seen in a slasher movie. First we've got Olivia Hussey, who would go on to great fame, and Margot Kidder, who later played Lois Lane in the SUPERMAN films, giving a hilarious performance. I often wonder if she was actually drunk on the set and they just let her wander into scenes. Her character also has one of the weirdest death scenes I've ever seen. Then we have Kier Dullea. I still maintain that he's too old for this part. I mean, he was in 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, for god's sake! What, was he in his forties when he made this? And he's playing a college student. Yeah, sure.... Finally we have John Saxon, fresh from his role in ENTER THE DRAGON, as the police lieutenant. He's essentially just playing the exact same character he played in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, so, if you've seen that, you can almost pretend that it's the same character before he got married and had a daughter. It's a small role, but his presence is still felt.

     So this Christmas Eve, if you're tired of watching IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, or A CHRISTMAS STORY, do yourself a favor and watch this instead. I guarantee that you'll still be awake on Christmas morning....

     My rating: * * *  out of  * * * *

Halloween

HALLOWEEN (1978): Starring- Donald Pleasance, Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Loomis, P.J. Soles, and Charles Cyphers.

Directed by- John Carpenter

First off, Happy Halloween to all! I hope everyone enjoyed my favorite holiday! I know I did...

Secondly, it has been several weeks since my last posts. Sorry about that, but I have just been so busy that I didn't get a chance to watch or review anything.

But now, I'm back, and it is Halloween after all... So I decided to review.... um, "Halloween"!

Boy, do I love this movie. I really don't know what I have to say. It's a classic. It's a Halloween tradition here in the crypt. Everybody knows who Michael Myers is. If you don't, get off of my blog and don't come back until you see this movie! (And, no, the Rob Zombie remake doesn't count!)

All I can think to say is that this movie isn't the high-body-count, gory, nasty slasher film that the remake and all the sequels and rip-offs make it look like. Rather, this movie is a suspenseful, plot-driven thriller. In fact, in this one, Michael only kills four people. Of course, I'm not going to tell you who they are.

Also, this movie is not the original slasher film. Sorry, but it just isn't. "Black Christmas" and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" both pre-date this movie by several years. And they'd been making movies like this in Italy for years.... But I digress. None of that matters, anyway. This movie is still a classic.

The plot begins with one of the longest point-of-view shots in film history. Young Michael Myers kills his older sister on Halloween night, and then goes comatose. He taken and put in an institution where he is studied by Dr. Sam Loomis (Pleasance, who will never be topped by Malcolm McDowell, NEVER!!).

Years later, Michael escapes and drives away to Haddonfield, Illinois. Dr. Loomis sets off after him, hoping to stop another massacre.

Once in Haddonfield, Michael targets young babysitter, Laurie (Curtis) and her two friends (Loomis and Soles). On Halloween Night, he decides to make his move. For Laurie, her friends, and Dr. Loomis, Halloween will be a night of sheer terror, one that they won't soon forget (at least, not until after the eight sequels, the remake, and its sequel).

It's a deceptively simple plot that offers much more than I just wrote. It's also a plot that has been the inspiration for just about every slasher film made after it.

I guess i should talk about that oh so famous soundtrack, shouldn't I? Well, it deserves every praise that it gets. This movie's soundtrack (composed by John Carpenter) is absolutetly perfect. It's bone-chilling and completely sets the tone for the film.

All of the performances are great. Donald Pleasance is perfect for the role of Dr. Loomis, and he gives one of his best, most memorable performances. Jamie Lee Curtis is the queen of the slasher film scream queens. I love her scream, for one thing. P.J. Soles and Nancy Loomis are both very entertaining in their roles, if a little forgettable. The cast is rounded out by Charles Cyphers ad Sheriff Brackett, giving a good performance, although he's not that central to the film's plot.

But I don't need to say all of that, do I? Everybody knows this movie, whether they know it through the any of the sequels (Maybe I'll get to those next year...) or the new remakes. But let me say this: If you only know this movie through the sequels or remakes, then please go see it now. Buy it, rent it, see it online, look for it on T.V., just give it a chance. You won't be sorry, and you might even get scared by it.

My rating: * * * 1/2 out of * * * *