IN MEMORIAM

Corey Haim

1971-2010

R.I.P.

Twilight (Oh, god, why?!)

     TWILIGHT (2008): Starring- Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli.

     Directed by- Catherine Harwicke

     (Sigh....)

     .... I really don't want to do this. I really don't want to do this. I REALLY don't want to do this!

     Chances are, if you're a fan of horror movies, then you didn't see this movie. Chances are, if you did see this movie, and liked it, then you don't like horror movies, consequently, you wouldn't be on this blog.

     All you need to know is that I'm doing this review for a friend. You know who you are, and  you owe me BIGTIME!

     Before I get to the review, I'd like to share a little experience I had with this movie. You see, the year this came out, I had a friend who was constantly raving about it to me, telling me how much I would love it. I asked this person why, and they told me: Because, after all these years, they had finally made a real vampire movie. That very second, I was no longer friends with this person.

     Now, why could that be? Why would I end a friendship over such a small issue? Oh, maybe because TWILIGHT isn't even fucking remotely close to being a real vampire movie!

     No, this is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     Hell, even this is a real vampire movie:

     .... But not TWILIGHT. No, not by a long shot. You see, it's missing several things that are crucial to a vampire movie: A plot, interesting characters, a frightening horror element/moving romance element, and vampires!!

     Yeah, I know the movie calls them vampires, but they're not. They're fucking not! Vampires do not walk around in daylight. Vampires do not go to high school. Vampires do not invite girls home to meet their families. Vampires do not play baseball. But, most importantly, vampires DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE!!! Oh, yes, I'm so intimidated by the pale, emo-looking guy with body glitter! Screw this movie.

     I'm sure you all know the plot by now, but here's a brief description: Boring, dumbass girl meets mysterious guy. Girl falls in love with Mysterious Guy. Mysterious guy turns out to be a vampire. Girl still claims to be in love with him, apparently just instantly believing him. Mysterious Guy warns her that he wants to murder her. Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy doesn't return her feelings in even the slightest, though he doesn't show any emotions, really. Increasingly Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy nearly gets her ripped apart by "evil" vampires (who actually do act like vampires. Why can't the movie be about them? Yeah it would still suck, but to a lesser extent). Increasingly, Painfully, Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. THE END. In other, stronger words: Pure, unadulterated bullshit!

     Really, the biggest problem with this movie is the writing behind it. Stephanie Meyer doesn't really seem to understand how human beings behave. Men are not mindless, passionless sex objects, as she seems to think. Women are not mindless, clingy, pathetic leeches, as she seems to think. I know I used the word "mindless" twice, but that one word could really describe the whole TWILIGHT franchise. It's mindless! And, as for the story, well what story?

     But, as bad as all of that is, this could've been saved if it were at least competently made. It's not. The movie is just poorly made. Most of the shots in this film look like a bad music video. No, I'm sorry, I misspoke. Saying that is an insult to bad music videos. The movie just looks like its makers knew that they would have a huge success, no matter what they made, so they just didn't even try.

     And as for the acting, well it sucks. I know for a fact that Robert Pattinson can do so much better than this. I mean, what is he doing here?! Kristin Stewart should just find a different profession altogether. The closest thing to a good performance this movie has is the evil, blond-haired vampire, whose name escapes me right now. He actually almost had me interested in the movie. But then he's dead after about five minutes. Way to go, movie! You just go ahead and waste the closest you've gotten to actually having a plot.

     But, I suppose this isn't the worst movie I've reviewed on this site, but it's pretty close.

     In closing, I'd like to note that one critic called this "The most epic romance since TITANIC." I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that statement....

     My rating: * 1/2  out of  * * * *

The Beast Must Die

     THE BEAST MUST DIE (1974): Starring- Calvin Lockhart, Peter Cushing, Marlene Clark, Ciaran Madden, Tom Chadbon, Micheal Gambon, Charles Gray, and Anton Diffring.

                                                               Directed by- Paul Annet

     Well, welcome to the Crypt once again. Boy do I have a weird one for you today. It's a werewolf movie, a murder mystery, a blaxploitation movie, and a gimmick movie, all rolled into one. Yes, THE BEAST MUST DIE is one of a kind, and maybe that's a good thing.

     The movie centers around near-psychotic millionaire and game-hunter, Tom Newcliffe. Tom prides himself on having killed one of every animal on the face of the earth, and has now invited several guests to his private island.

     Dr. Christopher Lungdren (Cushing), Davina Gilmore (Madden), Paul Foote (Chadbon), Jan Jarmokowski (Gambon), and Arthur Bennington (Gray), all arrive at Newcliffe's mansion, hoping to spend a peaceful weekend with him and his wife, Caroline (Clark). But there's something that Caroline and the guests don't know. Tom has installed a massive security system all over the island and in the mansion. This is all overseen by Tom's security technician, Pavel (Diffring).  

     And before you can say "Most Dangerous Game", the guests find themselves trapped on the island as Tom reveals his true intentions. Each of the guests was a suspect in a murder where the victim was partially eaten. This leads Tom to believe one of them is the one type of animal that he's never hunted before: a werewolf.

     .... Wait. What? How did he come to that conclusion? I would've just assumed they were murderers or cannibals. Plus, even if that assumption made sense, isn't it possible that all of them are werewolves? In which case he's effectively committed suicide. 

     Okay, so this plot point isn't exactly well thought out, but anyway, the guests and Caroline believe Tom is merely joking at first. But, as night falls, a beast is on the prowl. Tom tries to hunt the creature down, but by the end of the night, Pavel and Bennington are both dead.

     In the morning, Tom is intent on finding and killing the beast, even if that means murder.....

     So, THE BEAST MUST DIE, is certainly unique, but there's one part that's even stranger about it. The movie actually includes- and I'm not kidding here- a "Werewolf Break", where the audience is invited to guess who the werewolf is. Words fail me.

     Also interesting is the cast. We all know Peter Cushing as one of the gods of classic horror movies, but he has one of his more atypical roles here, as a German, complete with over-the-top accent. You also might recognize Calvin Lockhart as King Willie from PREDATOR 2.... or you might not. Also included are former Bond villain and future ROCKY HORROR cast member Charles Gray, and British character actor, Anton Diffring, whose presence is somewhat wasted, though he does make his virtual cameo fairly memorable. The movie probably wouldn't be nearly as entertaining without them.

     So, there you have it. A fairly entertaining, fairly different werewolf movie with a somewhat weak plot, supported by a great cast. Also, the werewolf break is a pretty entertaining idea.

     And that's all I have to say on this one.

     My rating- * * 1/2  out of  * * * *