I Drink Your Blood, (a.k.a. Utter Insanity on Film)

     Well, at long last, I have finally returned! And, I've returned with a very special review:

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (1970): Starring- Bhaskar Roy Chowdhury, Iris Brooks, Riley Mills, Tyde Kierney, Richard Bowler, John Damon, George Patterson, Rhonda Fultz, Jadine Wong, and Lynn Lowry.

                            Directed by- David E. Durston

     Well, what a movie to come back to. I DRINK YOUR BLOOD. Movies like this are why I love the 1970's. They'll never make movies like this again. Just look at that poster up there: "Rabid, Drug-Infested Hippies On A Blood-Crazed Killing Rampage". That is just awesome. And, unlike so many movie posters' slogans, that one actually describes the entire plot of the movie. Well, there's a little more.

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD was originally titled PHOBIA, before it was put on a double-bill with the awful late-sixties zombie flick, I EAT YOUR SKIN (Hmm... maybe I'll get to that one later.) It was apparently an attempt to combine NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) with the recent real-life horrors of the Manson Family murders. Doesn't that just sound classy? However, the final result is more like THE CRAZIES (1973), if that movie had been written and directed by Charlie Manson while he was on a particularly nasty acid trip. Although, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It certainly makes for an interesting, unique horror film.

     The film follows the exploits of a group of Satanist hippies. Let the gravity of that sink in. Satanist hippies. Simply amazing. Anyway, the hippies beat and rape a young girl who tries to run away during one of their rites. Classy, ain't it?!

     After she is raped and beaten, Slyvia (Brooks) returns to her home town, which is now only populated by a few people and a crew of dam-builders. Sylvia's Grandfather (Bowler) is shocked at the state she is in.

     The hippies and their leader, Horace Bones (yeah, subtle....) just happen to be in town, and Grandpa decides to deal with them.

                                                                 Horace and his "family" 

     So, even though Grandpa has a fucking shotgun, he still manages to get beaten up by the unarmed hippies, who then slip him acid, sending him on a bad trip. After witnessing all of this, Sylvia's little brother, Petey (Mills) decides to get revenge.

     Petey happens to work at the local bakery, and decides to infect a few pies with rabies. He then serves the pies to the hippies. Damn...

                                                                           HARSH!

     So, the hippies, now infected with rabies, go on a killing spree throughout the town, and infect the entire building crew.

     Wow. I really don't know what to say. I mean just listen to that plot. How could anyone hate this movie? It's about Satanist hippies who get rabies and go on a rampage! Where else are you going to find that plot?

     Of course, the movie is not without its faults. Most of the acting is pretty bad, and there are a few shoddy special effects, but those just add to the movie's charm. I mean, you don't go to a movie called I DRINK YOUR BLOOD looking for perfection. You just go to have fun.

     However, the movie is incredibly gruesome, and certainly isn't for those who are easily offended. It's filled with gore, including hands chopped off, decapitations, people being impaled, and a pregnant woman being stabbed directly in the stomach. Tasteful, movie tasteful....

     Also, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure rabies doesn't make people do this:

     It's pretty clear that this movie is really trying to be a zombie movie. So much so, that I half-expected to see this happen:

     But, once again, I simply can't hate this movie. I just can't. I certainly wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but, If you're not bothered by extreme violence and gore, and you want to see something a little different, check it out.

     My rating- * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

The Beast Must Die

     THE BEAST MUST DIE (1974): Starring- Calvin Lockhart, Peter Cushing, Marlene Clark, Ciaran Madden, Tom Chadbon, Micheal Gambon, Charles Gray, and Anton Diffring.

                                                               Directed by- Paul Annet

     Well, welcome to the Crypt once again. Boy do I have a weird one for you today. It's a werewolf movie, a murder mystery, a blaxploitation movie, and a gimmick movie, all rolled into one. Yes, THE BEAST MUST DIE is one of a kind, and maybe that's a good thing.

     The movie centers around near-psychotic millionaire and game-hunter, Tom Newcliffe. Tom prides himself on having killed one of every animal on the face of the earth, and has now invited several guests to his private island.

     Dr. Christopher Lungdren (Cushing), Davina Gilmore (Madden), Paul Foote (Chadbon), Jan Jarmokowski (Gambon), and Arthur Bennington (Gray), all arrive at Newcliffe's mansion, hoping to spend a peaceful weekend with him and his wife, Caroline (Clark). But there's something that Caroline and the guests don't know. Tom has installed a massive security system all over the island and in the mansion. This is all overseen by Tom's security technician, Pavel (Diffring).  

     And before you can say "Most Dangerous Game", the guests find themselves trapped on the island as Tom reveals his true intentions. Each of the guests was a suspect in a murder where the victim was partially eaten. This leads Tom to believe one of them is the one type of animal that he's never hunted before: a werewolf.

     .... Wait. What? How did he come to that conclusion? I would've just assumed they were murderers or cannibals. Plus, even if that assumption made sense, isn't it possible that all of them are werewolves? In which case he's effectively committed suicide. 

     Okay, so this plot point isn't exactly well thought out, but anyway, the guests and Caroline believe Tom is merely joking at first. But, as night falls, a beast is on the prowl. Tom tries to hunt the creature down, but by the end of the night, Pavel and Bennington are both dead.

     In the morning, Tom is intent on finding and killing the beast, even if that means murder.....

     So, THE BEAST MUST DIE, is certainly unique, but there's one part that's even stranger about it. The movie actually includes- and I'm not kidding here- a "Werewolf Break", where the audience is invited to guess who the werewolf is. Words fail me.

     Also interesting is the cast. We all know Peter Cushing as one of the gods of classic horror movies, but he has one of his more atypical roles here, as a German, complete with over-the-top accent. You also might recognize Calvin Lockhart as King Willie from PREDATOR 2.... or you might not. Also included are former Bond villain and future ROCKY HORROR cast member Charles Gray, and British character actor, Anton Diffring, whose presence is somewhat wasted, though he does make his virtual cameo fairly memorable. The movie probably wouldn't be nearly as entertaining without them.

     So, there you have it. A fairly entertaining, fairly different werewolf movie with a somewhat weak plot, supported by a great cast. Also, the werewolf break is a pretty entertaining idea.

     And that's all I have to say on this one.

     My rating- * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

The Hunchback of the Morgue

     THE HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE (1973): Starring- Paul Naschy, Rosanna Yanni, Alberto Dalbes, Victor Alcazar, Sofia Casares, and Maria Elena Arpon.

                                 Directed by- Javier Aguirre

     Well, hello once again, my little minions! I've got a strange movie to introduce you to today. But before I get to that, I have to explain a few things.

     It's impossible to talk about this movie without first explaining who and what Paul Naschy is. Some of you might know who he is already. If so, good for you. Others might not, so I decided to tell you who he is, because, he's kind of a big deal in the horror world.

    Born under the name of Jacinto Molina, Naschy changed his name and began acting in the late 1960's. He landed his first starring role in 1968 in the film LA MARCA DEL HOMBRE LOBO, released in the U.S. as FRANKENSTEIN'S BLOODY TERROR, which is strange, considering that it was a werewolf movie.

     The film was a huge success, establishing Naschy' reputation as Spain's greatest horror star. It was also the first time he would play Count Waldemar Daninsky, the tortured werewolf. Naschy would play the character in twelve more movies, throughout the late 1960's into the early 2000's, perhaps the longest running horror series of all time. Poor old Daninsky fought mad scientists, destroyed vampires, encountered mummies, Yetis(!), became Mr. Hyde(!), vanquished evil Samurai(!), and even went to space!

     Naschy truly was one of the hardest working men in the horror field. He wrote most of the movies he starred in, and made more than 90 movies, spanning four decades.

     Now, it's true that Naschy's movies were cheap, silly, and cheesy, but they're fun, entertaining cheese, and you can tell that the man behind them loved what he was doing, and truly loved to entertain.

     Today, however, I'm not reviewing one of the Daninsky movies. Instead, I'm going to review one of Nashcy's lesser-known films, THE HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. It's also one of his weirdest movies, and that is really saying something.

     Naschy stars as Gotho, a mentally ill, hunchbacked morgue attendant, who works in the hospital in a small Swiss village. Gotho's life is essentially a living hell. He is insulted by his coworkers, seen as a monster by all of the villagers, and beaten by the children of the village.

     To make matters worse, Ilse (Arpon), the girl Gotho secretly loves, is dying of tuberculosis. Gotho visits her every day, and remains confident that Ilse will survive, but the girl knows better.

     Eventually, Ilse does die, and Gotho snaps. He kills two hospital attendants, steals Ilse's corpse, and hides it in a dank, underground cavern. When rats chew up part of Ilse's face, Gotho moves her to another room.

     Knowing that the police are looking for him, Gotho goes to Dr. Orla (Dalbes), the chief of medicine at the hospital, for help. Dr. Orla decides to use the naive hunchback to his own advantage.

     You see, Dr. Orla has a problem: The hospital has cut off funding for his experiments. And just what is the purpose of these experiments, you ask? Why, to create life, of course! So, Dr. Orla promises to bring Ilse back to life if Gotho will help him. The poor hunchback believes him, and before you know it, Dr. Orla and his assistant, Dr. Tauchner (Alcazar), have moved their laboratory, including an acid pit, into the cave. 

     Unfortunately, three incompetent movers take it upon themselves to dispose of Ilse's rotting corpse, and toss it into the acid. When Gotho discovers what they've done, he murders all three of them. Gotho is completely disheartened by the loss of Ilse, but Dr. Orla promises to create a new Ilse as long as Gotho continues helping him.

     The result of Dr. Orla's and Dr. Tauchner's experiment is apparently an enormous living cell, which devours human flesh. This means that Gotho has to kidnap people to feed to the creature. Gotho begins to prey on the inmates of a nearby women's reformatory, run by Eva (Casares), who happens to be Dr. Tauchner's girlfriend. While trying to kidnap girls, Gotho meets Elke (Yanni), who is kind to him. The two of them fall in love and begin a relationship. And yes, there is a very short sex scene (shudder....).

     Meanwhile, Dr. Tauchner realizes that what they are doing is wrong, and decides to inform the police. Dr. Orla won't allow this, however, and imprisons Tauchner and Eva within the cave. 

     One night, Elke follows Gotho into the cavern. Gotho catches her, and Dr. Orla tells him to feed her to the monster. Gotho refuses, and a fight ensues between him and the doctor. Gotho knocks out Dr. Orla, and frees Eva and Tauchner. The two of them leave with Elke, while Gotho stays behind to finish off Dr. Orla.

      The fight continues, and, after being shot by Dr. Orla, Gotho frees the cell-monster from the closet they keep it in. The monster melts off half of Dr. Orla's face, killing him. It then attacks Gotho, and the two of them go tumbling into the acid pit.

     So, like I said, this is quite a weird movie. I suppose you could tell that just from reading the above plot synopsis. All I can really say is, well, it's original. A bit loopy, perhaps, but original.

     As for the acting, well, the version I saw was dubbed into English, so it's a little hard to judge the performances, but they weren't terrible. 

    Naschy is what really drives the film, however. This can be said of most of his films. The man was a very talented actor, and he brings great sympathy and tragedy to the role of Gotho, which was no small feat.

     So that's HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. Is it silly? Yes. Is it trashy? Yes. Is it terrible? Not at all. It's certainly not for every taste, though....

     My rating: * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

     Unfortunately, I have to end this review on a very sad note. Paul Naschy died on November 30, 2009, at the age of 74. I say this with a great deal of sadness and embarrassment. Sadness because the world has lost a great talent, and one of it's last great horror personalities. Embarrassment, because I didn't even know about it until just a few weeks ago.

     Still, this is no time to talk about my own shortcomings as a horror fan, but instead a time to mourn a great loss, and to look back on the magnificent career of a truly great man.

     So, to you, Mr. Naschy, I say rest in peace. You will be remembered, and you truly deserve that. You may be gone, sir, but you have left behind you a great legacy, and thousands of fans, who I'm sure will miss you. Goodbye.

                                              R.I.P.

                                          1934-2009

Lisa and the Devil/ The House of Exorcism (Different titles, almost the same movie)

Oh, this is gonna be hell for me.... Why, you ask? Well, it's because one of these movies is a horror classic, a cinematic masterpiece, and an eternal testament to the talents of a truly great director. And the other is a rip-off of another horror classic, a hacked-up ruination of that cinematic masterpiece, and a great insult to that truly great director. But, here's the thing: these are both the same fucking movie!! Well, kind of... You see, the difference between them is.... oh forget it! There's only one solution to this: a double review!

LISA AND THE DEVIL (1973): Starring- Elke Sommer, Telly Savalas, Alessio Orano, Sylvia Koscina, Eduardo Fajardo, Gabrielle Tinti, Espartaco Santini, and Alida Valli.

Directed by- Mario Bava

Well, here I go. After the enormous success of his film, BARON BLOOD (1972), director Mario Bava was given carte blanche to direct what he would consider his masterpiece, and this is what he came up with: a hauntingly beautiful masterpiece that transcends both the horror genre and the art of film. Everything in this film is beautiful, even the death scenes.

The "plot" is as follows: Young Lisa (Sommer) is visiting Spain and follows a tour to view a beautiful fresco of the Devil carrying away the dead to Hell. When she hears a strange, whimsical music playing, she follows the sound into a small antique shop. The music is coming from a music box owned by the sinister Leandro (brilliantly played by Savalas), who bears a remarkable resemblance to the image of the Devil (hint, hint....). She wanders out of the shop and finds that her tour is gone, and that all the streets seem to be deserted.

Lisa proceeds to wander the streets, and is assaulted by Carlo (Santini), who believes her to be his long-lost wife, Elena. After accidentally knocking Carlo down a stone stairway, Lisa hitches a ride with a wealthy couple (Koscina and Fajardo) and their driver (Tinti).

The group move on until the car breaks down in front of a small villa owned by a mad, blind Countess (Valli) and her seemingly innocent son, Maximilian (Orano). These two live here all alone except for their butler- guess who- devilish Leandro. Lisa and the others decide to stay there for the night. Once inside, their night becomes a nonsensical, lyrical, dream-like, moody, nightmare of murder, betrayal, necrophilia, seduction, incest, ghosts, and a melding of past, present, and future, all overseen by Leandro, or the Devil, if you prefer....

I could go on for pages and pages attempting to describe the many things that happen within the confines of this film, but that would only ruin the experience for you. Let me just say that when you see this, don't try to make sense of the plot, this isn't a film that revolves around it's story. And there's definitely nothing else like it.

My rating: * * * * out of * * * *

Unfortunately, this version of the movie was too different for Bava's producers, who expected a simple, straightforward horror movie and got something much different. Bava could find no one to distribute the film. In fact, technically, this version of the movie was never released theatrically. Sadly, after the film had languished in the vaults for several years, it was re-edited by producer Alfredo Leone and released as....

THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM (1974): Starring- Elke Sommer, Telly Savalas, Robert Alda, Sylvia Koscina, Alessio Orano, Eduardo Fajardo, Gabrielle Tinti, Espartico Santini, and Alida Valli.

Directed by- "Mickey Lion" (Mario Bava and Alfredo Leone)

..... this monstrosity. After finding no one to distribute LISA AND THE DEVIL, producer Alfredo Leone decided to cut more than 20 minutes out of the film (including its ending) and to insert newly-shot scenes that would cash in on the most popular horror film of the day.

What movie was it, you ask? Well, just think about it. Can't figure it out? Alright, I'll give you a hint- A young woman is tied to a bed, possessed, and is being exorcised by a priest who is rapidly losing his faith. Still can't think of it? OK, here's another hint- it starts with THE and ends with EXORCIST. Yes, that's right. They took a beautiful, atmospheric masterpiece, and turned it into an EXORCIST clone. And it isn't even one of the better EXORCIST clones!

Father Michael (Alda) is watching over a young tourist (Sommer), who mysteriously began screaming profanity and spitting up green vomit (Gee, where have I heard that before?). Eventually, the priest decides it's time for an exorcism. He begins speaking with the demon and learns the story of how it came to be inhabiting the body of this poor young girl. (The "story" is really just the mangled remaining footage from LISA AND THE DEVIL.) After hearing this story, Father Michael realizes that the only way he can save the girl is to exorcise spirits from an empty, ancient villa. And he does. THE END.

Why? Why would they do this to such a beautiful, complex movie is beyond me. I mean this is just crap. In case you're wondering, the added-on exorcism scenes are godawful. Not even classic actor Robert Alda can save them with his lazy, half-hearted, phoned-in performance. And these scenes are a great insult to Mario Bava, who refused to be present during their shooting, and had his name removed from the final product (Note the "Mickey Lion" pseudonym).

Also, just look at that stupid title! "THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM"? What the hell does that mean?!

It's trash.

My rating: * out of * * * *

So, to summarize, definitely see LISA AND THE DEVIL, destroy any print you can find of THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM.