BLOOD CULT (1985): Starring- Charles Ellis, Juli Andleman, James Vance, Bennie Lee McGowan, and Josef Hardt.
Directed by- Christopher Lewis.
Folks, let me tell you something about your pal The Unknown Movie Fan. I'm not a drinker. And I don't usually drink. But, there's a bottle of black absinthe that I've been saving for a special, awful occasion. Right now, I'm ready to break it out, because I've got to be drunk off my ass for this. Why, you ask? Because this is the most irritating, shrill, annoying, poorly-made, ear-splitting, skull-shattering, eye-gouging, excuse for a movie that I've ever had the extreme displeasure of seeing.
The movie I'm reviewing today is BLOOD CULT. But, before I get to the review, I have to give a little backstory on this "movie".
You see, in the early 1980's, VHS was slowly becoming a profitable form of home entertainment. After a film was done with it's run in theaters, it would be released on VHS and the distributor would make a killing on the profits.
Eventually, some studios decided to eliminate the middle-man and remove theaters from the equation. This meant they could hire amateur directors to shoot cheap movies on video, and these "movies" would be released directly to the VHS market. I put quotes around movies because most of these things were really just amateur porn without the sex, or the talent.
Anyway, the first studio to employ this technique was United Home Video. And what was the first movie that they released this way? Why, BLOOD CULT, of course!. That's right, BLOOD CULT is the first direct-to-video movie.
Doesn't that just sound like the backstory of an absolute classic movie?! Well, it's not. In fact, BLOOD CULT just might be in the running for the worst movie of all time.
Okay, let's be honest. The horror genre is filled with bad movies, and we've all seen at least one bad movie in our lives:
But those movies at least have something remotely entertaining about them. With this movie, I was actually in pain while watching it. I mean it really hurt. I think it shaved years off my life. Seriously, I walked into this with absolutely zero expectations, and I was still disappointed. No, not just disappointed, I was insulted by this piece of garbage.
So, let's go ahead and get started on the atrocity that is BLOOD CULT. Oh, and if you happen to see a horrible, bloody pulp lying around, don't worry. That's not a murder victim, it's just the shredded remains of the art of film-making.
BLOOD CULT begins when a college girl (who shows all the enthusiasm and concern of a head of lettuce) is chopped to death in her shower. The murderer steals the girl's hand and leaves behind a small gold coin.
The town sheriff (Ellis, who can be clearly seen reading his lines from the script several times) is called in to investigate. But, seeing as he's an incompetent dumbass, he finds no leads, and several more poorly-shot murders are committed.
With the help of his daughter (Andleman) and her boyfriend (Vance), the sheriff eventually discovers that the coins can be traced back to an ancient cult of dog-worshipers (yes, the movie goes there). The cult's practices include human sacrifice and bodily mutilation. After an unbearable 89 minutes, the sheriff discovers that this cult might be closer to him than he expected, and it's members include the kindly old town doctor (Hardt) and- GASP!- the sheriff's own daughter!
God, what an awful movie this is. I honestly don't know what to say. In fact, it would be easier to go point-by-point and name all the areas where the filmmakers screwed up:
- FILMING: Now, I'll admit that it's almost impossible to make something look good if it was shot on video, but this movie looks atrocious even by those standards. The shots in the film are flat and uninteresting, and there's nothing that catches the eye. Everything either looks like a bad 80's music video, or it looks like a bad 80's infomercial. In fact, half the time I expected the actors were going to start trying to sell me car insurance. Also, there are several scenes in the movie where it seems like the sound technician turned his equipment off. I seriously can't hear a damn thing the actors are saying. This looks like something that a fourth-grader would shoot in his back yard.
- WRITING: To start with, the entire premise of this movie is really unoriginal. That could've been overcome if it was written halfway decently. But it wasn't. It just wasn't. The story is poorly written, the dialog is atrocious, and the characters are unconvincing and unrealistic.
- ACTING: And, when I say "acting" I'm not really sure what I mean. I can't really call these people actors and keep a straight face. They should really be called "Cue-card-readers", or "Friends-of-the-director-who-never-acted-again". Honestly, these people are just so awful. Every delivery, every syllable spoken in this movie is either unbelievably wooden, or unbelievably hammy, or some godawful mixture of the two. Even the women being murdered are terrible. How fucking hard is it to scream?! I honestly started to feel disgust for the human race while I was watching these monstrosities.
There. That should be all that I have to say. Do I need to make it any clearer than that? Okay. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!
I implore you, from the bottom of my heart, don't see this movie! I'm serious. Just don't. This isn't even a movie! It's 89 minutes of torture. That's what this thing is!
The tagline for this movie was: "The first direct-to-video movie might just scare you to death!" Well, while I may not have been scared, I will give the movie some credit for almost killing me, because about halfway through it, I was ready to shoot myself. But I didn't. I survived this tragedy. And, now, I have to go find some way to erase my memory of it.
My rating- * out of * * * *
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