SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984): Starring- Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero, Britt Leach, Nancy Borgenicht, H.E.D. Redford, Danny Wagner, Linnea Quigley, Leo Geter, Randy Stumpf, and Will Hare.
Directed by- Charles E. Sellier, Jr.
Well, it's Christmas Eve, and with Old Saint Nick on his way, I thought I'd review one of the great Christmas classics of all time: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT!
Because, when you think Christmas, it's obvious that this image comes to mind:
.... And what a cheerful thought it is! So full of the Christmas spirit! Just look at that skinny, non-jolly sociopath, with his obvious fake beard and his joyous, gleaming, axe. Ah, fills me up with that warm, cheerful feeling. What, you aren't reminded of Christmas when you see a murderer dressed as Santa Claus? Well, good, because he's not really Santa Claus....
Okay, I'll stop joking. I mean, we are talking about a Christmas movie that features the line: "Time to get shit-faced!" In fact, just go on back to the top of this post and look at that poster. What were you expecting, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? Well, that's not what we're getting. And, painful as it may be, I'm here to review this. I may only get coal tomorrow morning, but I will review this! I might wake up in Hell the day I die, but I will review this movie!
.... Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but this is a bad movie! Well, let's dig in to the poisoned Christmas cookie that is.... SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.
Oh, and before we get started- Those of you expecting me to make the joke, I'm not doing it. That joke is overused already. Besides, that line wasn't even in this movie. It was in the sequel.
So, the movie begins with young Billy (Wilson) on a long car ride with his parents and his infant brother, Ricky.
This happy little family is off to visit Billy's crazy Grandpa (Hare). Why they decided to do this on Christmas Eve, I'll never know, as they seem to have stashed the poor old guy in another state. I mean, if you're trying to get rid of your elderly relatives, don't go visiting them after you've succeeded.
Then, we see the reason that Grandpa is kept so far away from them. After pretending to be catatonic, Grandpa wakes up to warn Billy to be careful. You see, according to Grandpa, Santa Claus punishes naughty children horribly, and Billy had better run for his life if he sees Santa this night.
After this, the family start their long journey back to wherever-the-hell-they-live, and wouldn't you know it, they're flagged down and held at gunpoint by a criminal dressed as- you guessed it- Santa! Billy, taking Grandpa's advice runs for his life, while the criminal guns down his father, then rapes his mother and stabs her to death. Billy sees all of this and it leaves him with serious mental scars. While all this is happening, little Ricky is crying and there are cheery Christmas carols playing on the car's radio. Stay classy, movie, stay classy....
.... And, that's it for this point in the plot. We're not told how Billy and Ricky survive this ordeal, or what happens to the evil Saint Nick, or even whether crazy old Grandpa survived the night. Nope. None of that. Just, cut to five years later, where Billy and Ricky are living in an orphanage run by nuns. Right now, I'm just hoping the movie doesn't turn into nunsploitation. It doesn't.
Billy is having serious issues with the Christmas season, such as drawing pictures of a bloody, murdering Santa Claus, and beating up a Santa that comes to visit the orphanage. Weird, you'd think that Catholic nuns would want to focus on the whole Christian aspect of Christmas, instead of focusing on Santa. Guess not.
Anyway, Sister Margaret (McCormick) believes that Billy needs professional help to cure him of his Santa phobia. But Mother Superior (Chauvin) decides that all he needs is a good beating, because, as we all know, Catholics don't believe in science or psychology. No, those are all lies. Just punish, punish, punish! God, how stereotypical can you get?
So Billy is taught by Mother Superior that "Punishment is good!" Gee, I bet this won't have any affect on him in his later years.
Cut to eight years later, and Billy is now grown and trying to get a job. He eventually lands a position in the stockroom of a department store run by sleazy Mr. Sims (Leach). There he works hard and gains the respect of Sims and falls in love with coworker Pamela (Nero). Unfortunately, even-sleazier Andy (Stumpf) already has his eyes set on her. At least this is what I think happened. It was hard to tell, since most of this is told through a cheezy '80's montage. I'm not kidding. There's actually a fricking ten-minute-long montage in this movie!
It so happens that the man scheduled to play Santa for the store is sick, or dead, or something. This leads Mr. Sims to make Billy play Santa for the little children. This, of course, brings back horrible memories for Billy, but he manages to hold himself together well. Except for the fact that he threatens the children.
Then comes Christmas Eve. After closing, Mr. Sims breaks out the vodka a throw a Christmas party where it's "Time to get shit-faced!" While everyone is doing so, Andy takes Pamela back to the storeroom and tries to rape her. Billy accidentally sees this, and it sends him over the edge. But, instead of helping poor Pamela, he simply strangles Andy with a string of Christmas lights, and then stabs her in the chest with a boxcutter.
Bill then dispatches drunken Mr. Sims, and sets off on an old-fashioned holiday killing spree, including sled decapitations, shootings, and, I kid you not, impalement on a set of antlers. Yeah.
So, let's be honest, this movie is nothing special. It's poorly made, for the most part poorly acted, and just bad. Even the gore effects look silly. Even the whole Killer Santa idea has been done long before this. Yet, there's something about it that I just can't resist. It has a certain tacky charm. If you'll pardon the expression, this movie has balls. It truly pulls no punches whatsoever. Really, I can't think of anything that would make this movie more tasteless. Well, maybe if it were directed by John Waters.
And, you have to admit that the movie does have some memorable dialog- No. That train of thought can only lead back to that stupid joke, and I won't do it!
I suppose I should also talk about the controversy. This film got into a large amount of trouble when worried parents saw a TV spot the featured an image of Billy in the Santa suit and carrying the axe. Apparently, they thought that the film was going to somehow hurt their children. Okay.... and in what screwed-up world are you letting your young child see this movie in the first place? I mean, come on! That has to be the stupidest claim I've heard since Billy Graham said that THE EXORCIST had the power of Satan behind it. It's just a movie, folks! But, if anything, this ridiculous incident proved that you do not fuck with the PTA. Theaters showing the film were boycotted and picketed, so much so that Tri Star eventually pulled the film from distribution. Wow.
So, if you want to watch something a little different this Christmas, or if you just want to throw dirt in the face of censorship, go ahead and watch SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. You'll probably regret it, but hey, it's Christmas.
My rating: * * out of * * * *
There, I reviewed a SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movie without making that stupid joke. Oh, alright, I'll do it. But only because it's Christmas Eve:
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