Gremlins

     GREMLINS (1984): Starring- Zach Galligan, Phoebe Kates, Hoyt Axton, Francis Lee McCain, Polly Holliday, Judge Reinhold, Dick Miller, Jackie Joseph, Corey Feldman, Glynn Turman, John Louie, and Key Luke.

                       Directed by- Joe Dante

     Well, it's Christmas Day, and I decided to review my favorite Christmas movie of all time. Yes, that's right. GREMLINS is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. And why not? This movie is filled with Christmas-y things. Snow, Christmas Trees, lights, people giving presents, mean old rich people, happy families, cute little pets, and horrible, green-skinned demons. Why I can't even think about Christmas without being reminded of the Gremlins. I'm a messed-up person.

     This movie begins when teenager Billy Peltzer (Galligan) is given a strange new pet by his father (Axton). A mogwai named Gizmo (Voiced, oddly enough, by Howie Mandel). What's a Mogwai, you ask? Well, that's kind of hard to explain. Lets just say they're little balls of fur with huge ears and weird, little snout-things. 

     Anyway, there are three rules that little Gizmo comes with. Number one: He can't get in sunlight. That'll kill him. Number two: He can't get wet. And, most importantly, Number three: He can't be fed after midnight. Seriously, don't do it. I'm begging you. Don't feed him after midnight. GOD HELP YOU IF YOU FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT!

     ..... Oh, sorry. But you'll find out why I'm so freaked out. So Billy has been given these three specific rules, and what's the first thing he does with his cute new pet? He breaks the second rule and gets Gizmo wet. The water causes the poor creature to shriek in pain and sprout tiny lumps of fur that eventually turn into other mogwais. But, where Gizmo is cute, these new mogwais are assholes. They sabotage things, try to kill the family dog, and eventually trick Billy into feeding them after midnight. This turns them into horrible reptile-creatures that then run amok through the city, leaving destruction and death in their path on Christmas Eve. Isn't that just charming?

     I love this movie. That's all I have to say. I love everything about it. The acting is great, the story is original, the characters are interesting, and the special effects are awesome. This movie is true proof that you can do great things without the aid of CGI.

     But, apart from all of that, there is one other reason that I love this movie: Dick Miller. Who is Dick Miller? Why, just one of the best actors of the last fifty years! For those of you who are unaware, Dick plays drunken old Mr. Futterman in this movie. Dick has been acting since the late 1950's and continues to act in movies to this day. If you don't remember him in this, he also played Joe, the truck driver, in SMALL SOLDIERS, The gun shop owner in the TERMINATOR, The creepy bookstore owner in THE HOWLING, The older security guard in LOONY TOONS: BACK IN ACTION, Walter Paisley in A BUCKET OF BLOOD, and the park owner in PIRANHA. I could go on and on.

     To make a long story short, Dick Miller is awesome, and so is this movie.

     So if you want one last chance to feel the Christmas spirit this evening, watch GREMLINS, and see a bunch of horrible monsters destroy the holiday for hundreds of people.

     My rating: * * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

     Thus ends my series of Christmas reviews for this year. Once again, have a very Merry Christmas from The Crypt of Terror. And remember, if things in your house start to act up or malfunction, be careful. It might just be the Gremlins.