Demons

DEMONS (1985): Starring- Urbano Barberini, Natasha Hovey, Karl Zinny, Fiore Argento, Paola Cozzo, Fabiola Toledo, Nicoletta Elmi, Bobby Rhodes, Stelio Candeli, Nicole Tessier, Guido Baldi, Bettina Ciampolino, Guiseppe Mauro Cruciano, Sally Day, and Geretta Geretta.

Directed by Lamberto Bava

Welcome back to the crypt! Have I got a real treat for you today... Like the subject of my (long ago) last review, THE BEYOND, DEMONS is an import from Italy. Also like the BEYOND, it's weird as hell. 

Imagine if you took everything that was great about 80's horror movies and mixed it with everything that was terrible about 80's horror movies. Well, the end result would probably be a lot like this movie. It's got all the trappings: gore, wooden acting, stereotypical characters, a pulsing punk rock soundtrack, random slow motion, and a totally nonsensical plot. And I love every second of it!

The film begins as young Cheryl (Hovey) is walking through the Berlin subway with the strange sensation that she's being followed. It turns out she's right, as a strange man wearing a silver half-mask that seems to be growing out of his face is actively pursuing her. Fortunately, it turns out the man is merely handing out tickets to a free showing at The Metropol, an upscale movie theater. Cheryl requests a second ticket so that she and her friend Kathy (Cozzo) can attend the showing, despite the fact that they have no clue about what the movie is.

Also attending the movie are George (Barberini) and Ken (Zinny), who soon have their eyes set on Cheryl and Kathy. Others in the audience include an arguing husband and wife, a blind man named Werner (One wonders why a blind man would go to the movies...), and Tony the pimp (Rhodes), who looks like he just stepped out of the late 70's.

The movie they are attending is about a group of archeologists searching for an ancient mask in a decrepit tomb. As it turns out, the mask is razor sharp, and if it scratches you, you become a vicious, demon-possessed murderer. Not-so-coincidentally, one of Tony's "friends," Rosemary (Geretta) has made the same mistake with a prop version of the mask which was displayed in the theater's lobby. Of course, the movie turns out to be prophetic, as Rosemary is soon very possessed and murderous, attacking other theater-goers and spreading the possession to them. The survivors soon find themselves trapped in the theater, and must contend with the vicious, slimy minions of hell that are fast approaching them. Meanwhile, a group of Berlin punks manage to break into the theater and soon become fodder for the demon army.

Well, I've got my work cut out for me in describing this one any further. It's... insane. It's one of those movies that doesn't seem to occupy our reality at all. The plot is totally nonsensical, yet seems to have its own weird, internal logic. The dialog ranges from dull to unintentionally (I think) hilarious, and the acting (read: the dubbing) is just out there. And I love every fucking second of it!

On a technical note, the cinematography is fantastic. The movie's colors just jump off the film and spew right into your face. It's probably no coincidence, as Dario Argento was the executive producer, and the director, Lamberto Bava, is the son of the great Mario Bava (BLACK SUNDAY, LISA AND THE DEVIL, BARON BLOOD, etc.) He clearly inherited a fantastic sense of visual style from his father. Plus, the scenery helps out a great deal. The neon-lit streets of Berlin lend a very kinetic, dangerous feel to the exteriors. And I just have to talk about The Metropol. This place looks like the coolest movie theater ever! I mean, it's just awesome. I wish I had a theater like this near where I live. 

The soundtrack, as previously stated, is an excellent mix of great '80's punk and metal, including tracks by Billy Idol, Mötley Crüe, Rick Springfield, Go West, and Claudio Simonetti of famed Italian prog rock band Goblin (another connection to Argento.) Although, to be perfectly honest, the placing of some of the tracks is a little inappropriate and distracting, but I don't care. Just look at that roster of artists. Just look at it. Need I say more...?

And there's one more thing I love about this movie: Tony the Pimp. This guy is great. He's got the John Travolta SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER suit, a gold medallion, and he talks like a mixture of Fred Williamson and Rudy Ray Moore. The second this guy walked into frame, I was rooting for him. Sadly, He doesn't last very long after the demons appear... But, he does reappear in the sequel, DEMONS 2. Maybe I'll cover that one later on...

So, that wraps this one up. It's hilarious, grusome cheese. If you can turn off your brain for the duration, it's a hell of a fun way to spend 90 minutes. Also, I happen to know from personal experience that it makes for a great party movie. So, if you get enough people together who are willing to watch it, pop it in and have a great time.

My Rating- *  *  *    out of    *  *  *  *

Plan 9 from Outer Space

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959): Starring- Gregory Walcott, Mona McKinnon, Duke Moore, Tom Keene, Tor Johnson, Paul Marco, Dudley Manlove (no, I'm not making that name up), Johanna Lee, John Breckinridge, Lyle Talbot, Conrad Brooks, Vampira (I'm not making that name up, either), Criswell, Tom Mason, and Bela Lugosi.

Directed by- Ed Wood.

Ah, Ed Wood, you magnificent, brilliant, insane bastard. Who else could have given us the movies you gave us?


For those of you who don't know him, Ed Wood is almost universally hailed and beloved as the worst director of all time. He brought us some of the worst, cheesiest, most insane and hilariously awful films of their time. And many movie fans, myself included, happen to love his movies for this very reason. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE happens to be a Halloween tradition for me.


So, without further ado, let's get on with the review!





The movie begins with a brief prologue, entitled "Criswell Predicts", in which popular "psychic" Criswell gives us a prediction for the future. FYI, this is Criswell:

Criswell has some wonderful advice to give us, such as: "My friends, you are interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives!" or "Future events, such as these, will affect you in the future!" Anyway, he attempts to make the claim that this movie was based on a true story (it wasn't) and we get on with the plot.

The film begins with the funeral of a young woman (played by former late-night TV hostess, Vampira). At the exact same moment, flying saucers are spotted in the sky, hovering over the graveyard. The young woman then rises from the grave and kills two gravediggers by raising her arms.

The next morning, the woman's husband (played by stock footage of Bela Lugosi) is distracted by his grief over her death, and is killed offscreen in a car accident. The man is also resurrected (now played by an obvious double).

Soon after, the gravediggers' bodies are discovered, and the police are called in, led by Inspector Clay (Tor Johnson, whose dialog is completely incomprehensible.) The old man and his wife make short work of Clay, and he is later resurrected as well.

The zombies (all three of them) and the flying saucers continue to terrorize the small town, and Earth is left with pilot Jeff Trent (Walcott) as it's only hero. We're doomed.

It so happens that a race of aliens is responsible for bringning back the dead as zombies in the hopes that this will stop humanity from creating a grand weapon that would destroy all life on Earth. So, their solution to the destruction of humanity is to destroy humanity? Makes sense, I guess...

I could write an essay on all the mistakes in this movie. There are numerous gravestones that are knocked over accidentally by the actors, the special effects are bad (and I don't mean 1950's bad, I mean hilariously bad), the dialog is stilted and silly, and most of the acting is downright awful.

Take, for instance, the flying saucers. I could describe them, but instead I've included a picture of them:

I think that photo speaks for itself.

How about the zombies? These are supposed to be terrifying, frightening creatures that will make humanity change its ways. And what do they look like, you may ask? Well, this:

Or, they look like this:

Not too intimidating, are they?

But, by far my favorite part of this of this movie has got to be the Lugosi character. You see, Ed Wood was a good friend of Lugosi towards the end of his life, and Lugosi starred in two of Wood's previous films. Unfortunately, the actor died shortly before filming of PLAN 9 began. However, Wood had leftover footage of Lugosi, and decided to splice it into the movie and market it as being Lugosi's last film. But Lugosi's character is rather central to the plot. So, half the time, we see stock footage of Lugosi, and half the time we see a double who looks nothing like Lugosi. Allow me to illustrate.

This is what the real Lugosi looked like at the time:

And this is what the double looks like:

Having trouble seeing the double's face? Well, too bad, because he does that "cape over the face" move every time he's on screen.

You know, I really should give this a negative review. I really should. There's absolutely nothing good about it, but it's just so damned entertaining. I can't bring myself to hate it. This movie is the very definition of the phrase "So bad it's good." It's really a lot of fun.

Does that mean that I'm recommending PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE? Well, let's put it this way: As a movie, it's terrible. But as a bad movie, it's a grade-A masterpiece! Besides, there are many worse ways to spend 70 minutes.

My rating: Rating this film is a somewhat difficult task, so I've decided to give it two ratings.

Regular movie scale: * out of * * * *

Trash movie scale: * * * * out of * * * *

Blood of Dracula's Castle

     BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE (1969): Starring- John Carradine, Paula Raymond, Alxeander D'arcy, Robert Dix, Gene O'Shane, Babara Bishop, Vicki Volante, and Ray Young.

     Directed by- Al Adamson

     Well, I'm not too eager about the movie I'm reviewing today.  Not because I'm scared by it, but because it's one of the silliest, corniest, most cliched horror movies of all time. 

     Really, almost every part of this movie, every scene, every plot point, has been done before. And they've probably been done better. But, let's forget about the plot for a moment, because honestly there are plenty of horror movies with plots lifted from other, better horror movies. But the characters- even the characters are corny and cliched.

     For instance, our main character- Count Dracula, the lord of the dead, the greatest vampire of all time.

     No, not that one.

     Oh, I wish it was that one.

     Okay, I'm exaggerating this a little. After all, It's easy for Dracula to become a cliche, he's one of the most famous literary characters of all time. His story has been adapted hundreds of times.

     So, let's move on to the next character, the Count's evil, twisted, sadistic servant.

     No, not that one.

     No, not that one.

     No, not even that one. Instead, this is what we're stuck with:

     That's right. It's John Carradine (who, I'm assuming fired his agent after this). He's an odd choice to play the servant, considering he actually had played Dracula before. Why not just have him play the part he has experience with?

     Well anyway, let's move on to our next character/cardboard cut-out, the giant, slow-witted, lumbering beast that also works for the Count.

     No, not that one.

     No, not that one. This is the lumbering beast featured in this movie:

     Yikes. Well, there are a few more examples, but I'm beginning to waste space, so I'll get on with the review now.

     The movie begins when young photographer Glen (O'Shane) and his girlfriend, Liz (Bishop) learn that they've inherited a mysterious old castle. (Sounding familiar yet?) They also learn that the castle is still being rented by it's previous tenants.

     The tenants in question are the Count and Countess Dracula (D'arcy and Raymond), who now go by the name Townsend. (I will give the movie credit for at least not using "Alucard") They live in the castle with their elderly, devoted servant, George (Carradine). He is very devoted to the Count and Countess, so much so that he actually tells them "Good night" as the slip into the coffins. Also inhabiting the castle is the lumbering, slow-witted beast, Mango (Young).

     This is the first thing in this movie that had me laughing- Mango?! The monster is named Mango? Really? You couldn't have gone with Mongo? Yeah, I know that's an incredible cliche, but that would fit in perfectly with the rest of the movie. But I suppose Mango can work too. After all, when you think "terrifying and intimidating", it's obvious that the word "Mango" pops into your head immediately.

     Anyway, the two vampires seem to have moved on from their old habits. These days, they have Mango catch their victims, after which George takes blood from them in syringes, serving it to the Count and Countess. Well, that seems kind of lazy! Have these vampires just given up the natural impulses that make them vampires? Well, I suppose they're still a notch above Edward Cullen.

     So, with all this going on, Glen and Liz soon find themselves prisoners of the Count and Countess. For some reason, there's also a young serial killer (Dix) involved in this. I'm not sure why. Maybe the director just decide he needed one more gimmick in this movie.

     So this movie is certainly no classic. The plot is silly and cliched. The characters are silly and cliched. It's all very corny. But, strangely, it almost works. This movie knows itself exactly. It's completely aware of just how silly it's premise is, and it runs with it. Also on hand are some fairly decent performances. While the young leads are pretty terrible, Carradine, D'arcy and Raymond all give good performances. They also seem to get the joke, and they play it off with a sense of humour.

     The movie was directed by shlock king Al Adamson. This man was like the second Ed Wood. He also seemed to be very interested in Dracula, having directed this, DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1971), and DOCTOR DRACULA (1978). I'm just going to say that again: This man made a movie called DOCTOR DRACULA. Wow.

     I'd also like to talk about how this movie looks. The version I saw had terrible picture quality, covered in grain and bright lines running across the screen. Normally, this would be a problem, but I actually like it in this case. It gives the movie a certain sleazy charm. I feel like I'm watching an old Super 8. After it was chewed up by a dog. And stepped on several times. And dragged behind a car for thirty-six miles. And- well, you get the point.

    So, all in all, this movie is an enjoyable, if incredibly campy, viewing experience. After all, there's always room for campy movies. You just have to be in the right mood.

     My rating- * *  out of  * * * *

I Drink Your Blood, (a.k.a. Utter Insanity on Film)

     Well, at long last, I have finally returned! And, I've returned with a very special review:

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (1970): Starring- Bhaskar Roy Chowdhury, Iris Brooks, Riley Mills, Tyde Kierney, Richard Bowler, John Damon, George Patterson, Rhonda Fultz, Jadine Wong, and Lynn Lowry.

                            Directed by- David E. Durston

     Well, what a movie to come back to. I DRINK YOUR BLOOD. Movies like this are why I love the 1970's. They'll never make movies like this again. Just look at that poster up there: "Rabid, Drug-Infested Hippies On A Blood-Crazed Killing Rampage". That is just awesome. And, unlike so many movie posters' slogans, that one actually describes the entire plot of the movie. Well, there's a little more.

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD was originally titled PHOBIA, before it was put on a double-bill with the awful late-sixties zombie flick, I EAT YOUR SKIN (Hmm... maybe I'll get to that one later.) It was apparently an attempt to combine NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) with the recent real-life horrors of the Manson Family murders. Doesn't that just sound classy? However, the final result is more like THE CRAZIES (1973), if that movie had been written and directed by Charlie Manson while he was on a particularly nasty acid trip. Although, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It certainly makes for an interesting, unique horror film.

     The film follows the exploits of a group of Satanist hippies. Let the gravity of that sink in. Satanist hippies. Simply amazing. Anyway, the hippies beat and rape a young girl who tries to run away during one of their rites. Classy, ain't it?!

     After she is raped and beaten, Slyvia (Brooks) returns to her home town, which is now only populated by a few people and a crew of dam-builders. Sylvia's Grandfather (Bowler) is shocked at the state she is in.

     The hippies and their leader, Horace Bones (yeah, subtle....) just happen to be in town, and Grandpa decides to deal with them.

                                                                 Horace and his "family" 

     So, even though Grandpa has a fucking shotgun, he still manages to get beaten up by the unarmed hippies, who then slip him acid, sending him on a bad trip. After witnessing all of this, Sylvia's little brother, Petey (Mills) decides to get revenge.

     Petey happens to work at the local bakery, and decides to infect a few pies with rabies. He then serves the pies to the hippies. Damn...

                                                                           HARSH!

     So, the hippies, now infected with rabies, go on a killing spree throughout the town, and infect the entire building crew.

     Wow. I really don't know what to say. I mean just listen to that plot. How could anyone hate this movie? It's about Satanist hippies who get rabies and go on a rampage! Where else are you going to find that plot?

     Of course, the movie is not without its faults. Most of the acting is pretty bad, and there are a few shoddy special effects, but those just add to the movie's charm. I mean, you don't go to a movie called I DRINK YOUR BLOOD looking for perfection. You just go to have fun.

     However, the movie is incredibly gruesome, and certainly isn't for those who are easily offended. It's filled with gore, including hands chopped off, decapitations, people being impaled, and a pregnant woman being stabbed directly in the stomach. Tasteful, movie tasteful....

     Also, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure rabies doesn't make people do this:

     It's pretty clear that this movie is really trying to be a zombie movie. So much so, that I half-expected to see this happen:

     But, once again, I simply can't hate this movie. I just can't. I certainly wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but, If you're not bothered by extreme violence and gore, and you want to see something a little different, check it out.

     My rating- * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

The Giant Claw (A turkey about a giant turkey)

     THE GIANT CLAW (1957)- Starring: Jeff Morrow, Mara Corday, Morris Ankrum, Louis Merrill, and Edgar Barrier.

                                                       Directed by: Fred F. Sears 

     Well, welcome to The Crypt, once again! You know, I hope you people appreciate what I do for you! You can't believe the movies I've seen. I can hardly believe them.

     Like today's offering, for instance. Would you believe me if I told you that there's a movie about a giant, prehistoric vulture from outer space that swoops down and munches on planes? Well, there is. Oh yes, this movie exists, and I really don't know what to make of it except, well, just that. This movie exists.

     Really, just let the gravity of the plot sink in for a moment. A giant, prehistoric vulture from outer space that swoops down and eats aircrafts. No, I'm not high. This is actually what this movie is about.

     Well, I suppose I'd better get started. Come with me, if you wish, and see the ridiculous terrors of THE GIANT CLAW!

     So the movie starts with military test pilot Mitch MacAffee (Morrow). MacAffee is running a test flight for Gen. Considine (Ankrum), when he sees a strange shape fly by him. On the ground, however, nothing shows up on the radar. Jeff returns to the ground and claims that he saw a U.F.O. that looked like "a huge battleship". Mitch is amazed when he is told that nothing was found. 

     Considine is ready to court martial Mitch, when it is reported that a commercial plane has disappeared. The last transmission from the pilot claimed that they were attacked by "a huge battleship". It immediately  becomes clear that something must be done. 

     Mitch and his girlfriend, Sally (Corday), go up in a plane to see if they can find this mysterious "battleship". They do. The U.F.O. attacks the plane and sends it down, severely injuring the pilot. Mitch and Sally seek help at the farm of kindly French farmer, Pierre (Merrill). Later Pierre hears a strange noise outside and decides to inspect it. He attacked by the strange creature, and begins to scream about and ancient French legend.

     The military finally decides to send someone to kill this strange creature, and we finally get a glimpse of this great threat to America.

     I'll be honest. Up to this point, this was a fairly decent old-fashioned B-monster-movie. The performances were good, the action was convincing, and the monster was wisely kept offscreen. But then we get to see it. I can't really describe this creature, so I decided to include a picture of it. I warn you, take a deep breath before you scroll down and look at this thing. The first time I saw it, I had to pause the movie because I was on the floor laughing. It truly is the greatest "WTF" moment in movie history. So, proceed with caution:

     .... Dear god. What. The. Hell. Was that?! I mean, how could the producers of this movie think that anybody could take that thing seriously? Well, no one did. Supposedly, at the film's premiere, the movie was laughed off the screen. What's worse is that none of the actors knew what it looked like beforehand, so they all took the movie very seriously. It's been rumored that star Jeff Morrow left the premiere embarrassed and spent the rest of the night getting drunk..... I don't blame him.

     Anyway, back to the plot. So after the military manages to take pictures of "the battleship" (Hahaha!) they try to attack it, but bullets seem to have no effect on the beast. Dr. Noymann (Barrier) discovers that the bird is from another planet, and that it is surrounded by a field of antimatter, meaning nothing made of solid matter can have an effect on it. And it's laying eggs.....

     Wow. That's really all I have to say on this one, just.... wow! I mean, what were the makers of this movie thinking?! They took what could have been a B-movie classic, and gave it a monster so ridiculous, that it became a so-bad-it's-good classic.

     Alright, I'll admit that special effects weren't very advanced back in the 1950's, but this thing is just unforgivably ridiculous. I mean.... WOW!

     Also, just a side note, here: How in the hell does that thing look like a battleship?! It looks like the bastard child of a vulture and a rubber chicken! You would have to be high or blind to think that thing looks like a battleship.

     Plus, the bird is supposed to be extraterrestrial. Can you just imagine that thing flying through space?!

     On the positive side, the performances are pretty good, and the film is well shot. I suppose if you look at it as a comedy, it might actually work. It is pretty hilarious. I guess I really can't hate this movie entirely, but, wow- that damn chicken ruins it.

      So that's THE GIANT CLAW, a movie that could've been fairly decent, but instead just ended up being utterly ridiculous. That's all I have to say, so, until next time:

     My rating- * *  out of  * * * *

The Hunchback of the Morgue

     THE HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE (1973): Starring- Paul Naschy, Rosanna Yanni, Alberto Dalbes, Victor Alcazar, Sofia Casares, and Maria Elena Arpon.

                                 Directed by- Javier Aguirre

     Well, hello once again, my little minions! I've got a strange movie to introduce you to today. But before I get to that, I have to explain a few things.

     It's impossible to talk about this movie without first explaining who and what Paul Naschy is. Some of you might know who he is already. If so, good for you. Others might not, so I decided to tell you who he is, because, he's kind of a big deal in the horror world.

    Born under the name of Jacinto Molina, Naschy changed his name and began acting in the late 1960's. He landed his first starring role in 1968 in the film LA MARCA DEL HOMBRE LOBO, released in the U.S. as FRANKENSTEIN'S BLOODY TERROR, which is strange, considering that it was a werewolf movie.

     The film was a huge success, establishing Naschy' reputation as Spain's greatest horror star. It was also the first time he would play Count Waldemar Daninsky, the tortured werewolf. Naschy would play the character in twelve more movies, throughout the late 1960's into the early 2000's, perhaps the longest running horror series of all time. Poor old Daninsky fought mad scientists, destroyed vampires, encountered mummies, Yetis(!), became Mr. Hyde(!), vanquished evil Samurai(!), and even went to space!

     Naschy truly was one of the hardest working men in the horror field. He wrote most of the movies he starred in, and made more than 90 movies, spanning four decades.

     Now, it's true that Naschy's movies were cheap, silly, and cheesy, but they're fun, entertaining cheese, and you can tell that the man behind them loved what he was doing, and truly loved to entertain.

     Today, however, I'm not reviewing one of the Daninsky movies. Instead, I'm going to review one of Nashcy's lesser-known films, THE HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. It's also one of his weirdest movies, and that is really saying something.

     Naschy stars as Gotho, a mentally ill, hunchbacked morgue attendant, who works in the hospital in a small Swiss village. Gotho's life is essentially a living hell. He is insulted by his coworkers, seen as a monster by all of the villagers, and beaten by the children of the village.

     To make matters worse, Ilse (Arpon), the girl Gotho secretly loves, is dying of tuberculosis. Gotho visits her every day, and remains confident that Ilse will survive, but the girl knows better.

     Eventually, Ilse does die, and Gotho snaps. He kills two hospital attendants, steals Ilse's corpse, and hides it in a dank, underground cavern. When rats chew up part of Ilse's face, Gotho moves her to another room.

     Knowing that the police are looking for him, Gotho goes to Dr. Orla (Dalbes), the chief of medicine at the hospital, for help. Dr. Orla decides to use the naive hunchback to his own advantage.

     You see, Dr. Orla has a problem: The hospital has cut off funding for his experiments. And just what is the purpose of these experiments, you ask? Why, to create life, of course! So, Dr. Orla promises to bring Ilse back to life if Gotho will help him. The poor hunchback believes him, and before you know it, Dr. Orla and his assistant, Dr. Tauchner (Alcazar), have moved their laboratory, including an acid pit, into the cave. 

     Unfortunately, three incompetent movers take it upon themselves to dispose of Ilse's rotting corpse, and toss it into the acid. When Gotho discovers what they've done, he murders all three of them. Gotho is completely disheartened by the loss of Ilse, but Dr. Orla promises to create a new Ilse as long as Gotho continues helping him.

     The result of Dr. Orla's and Dr. Tauchner's experiment is apparently an enormous living cell, which devours human flesh. This means that Gotho has to kidnap people to feed to the creature. Gotho begins to prey on the inmates of a nearby women's reformatory, run by Eva (Casares), who happens to be Dr. Tauchner's girlfriend. While trying to kidnap girls, Gotho meets Elke (Yanni), who is kind to him. The two of them fall in love and begin a relationship. And yes, there is a very short sex scene (shudder....).

     Meanwhile, Dr. Tauchner realizes that what they are doing is wrong, and decides to inform the police. Dr. Orla won't allow this, however, and imprisons Tauchner and Eva within the cave. 

     One night, Elke follows Gotho into the cavern. Gotho catches her, and Dr. Orla tells him to feed her to the monster. Gotho refuses, and a fight ensues between him and the doctor. Gotho knocks out Dr. Orla, and frees Eva and Tauchner. The two of them leave with Elke, while Gotho stays behind to finish off Dr. Orla.

      The fight continues, and, after being shot by Dr. Orla, Gotho frees the cell-monster from the closet they keep it in. The monster melts off half of Dr. Orla's face, killing him. It then attacks Gotho, and the two of them go tumbling into the acid pit.

     So, like I said, this is quite a weird movie. I suppose you could tell that just from reading the above plot synopsis. All I can really say is, well, it's original. A bit loopy, perhaps, but original.

     As for the acting, well, the version I saw was dubbed into English, so it's a little hard to judge the performances, but they weren't terrible. 

    Naschy is what really drives the film, however. This can be said of most of his films. The man was a very talented actor, and he brings great sympathy and tragedy to the role of Gotho, which was no small feat.

     So that's HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. Is it silly? Yes. Is it trashy? Yes. Is it terrible? Not at all. It's certainly not for every taste, though....

     My rating: * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

     Unfortunately, I have to end this review on a very sad note. Paul Naschy died on November 30, 2009, at the age of 74. I say this with a great deal of sadness and embarrassment. Sadness because the world has lost a great talent, and one of it's last great horror personalities. Embarrassment, because I didn't even know about it until just a few weeks ago.

     Still, this is no time to talk about my own shortcomings as a horror fan, but instead a time to mourn a great loss, and to look back on the magnificent career of a truly great man.

     So, to you, Mr. Naschy, I say rest in peace. You will be remembered, and you truly deserve that. You may be gone, sir, but you have left behind you a great legacy, and thousands of fans, who I'm sure will miss you. Goodbye.

                                              R.I.P.

                                          1934-2009

Gremlins

     GREMLINS (1984): Starring- Zach Galligan, Phoebe Kates, Hoyt Axton, Francis Lee McCain, Polly Holliday, Judge Reinhold, Dick Miller, Jackie Joseph, Corey Feldman, Glynn Turman, John Louie, and Key Luke.

                       Directed by- Joe Dante

     Well, it's Christmas Day, and I decided to review my favorite Christmas movie of all time. Yes, that's right. GREMLINS is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. And why not? This movie is filled with Christmas-y things. Snow, Christmas Trees, lights, people giving presents, mean old rich people, happy families, cute little pets, and horrible, green-skinned demons. Why I can't even think about Christmas without being reminded of the Gremlins. I'm a messed-up person.

     This movie begins when teenager Billy Peltzer (Galligan) is given a strange new pet by his father (Axton). A mogwai named Gizmo (Voiced, oddly enough, by Howie Mandel). What's a Mogwai, you ask? Well, that's kind of hard to explain. Lets just say they're little balls of fur with huge ears and weird, little snout-things. 

     Anyway, there are three rules that little Gizmo comes with. Number one: He can't get in sunlight. That'll kill him. Number two: He can't get wet. And, most importantly, Number three: He can't be fed after midnight. Seriously, don't do it. I'm begging you. Don't feed him after midnight. GOD HELP YOU IF YOU FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT!

     ..... Oh, sorry. But you'll find out why I'm so freaked out. So Billy has been given these three specific rules, and what's the first thing he does with his cute new pet? He breaks the second rule and gets Gizmo wet. The water causes the poor creature to shriek in pain and sprout tiny lumps of fur that eventually turn into other mogwais. But, where Gizmo is cute, these new mogwais are assholes. They sabotage things, try to kill the family dog, and eventually trick Billy into feeding them after midnight. This turns them into horrible reptile-creatures that then run amok through the city, leaving destruction and death in their path on Christmas Eve. Isn't that just charming?

     I love this movie. That's all I have to say. I love everything about it. The acting is great, the story is original, the characters are interesting, and the special effects are awesome. This movie is true proof that you can do great things without the aid of CGI.

     But, apart from all of that, there is one other reason that I love this movie: Dick Miller. Who is Dick Miller? Why, just one of the best actors of the last fifty years! For those of you who are unaware, Dick plays drunken old Mr. Futterman in this movie. Dick has been acting since the late 1950's and continues to act in movies to this day. If you don't remember him in this, he also played Joe, the truck driver, in SMALL SOLDIERS, The gun shop owner in the TERMINATOR, The creepy bookstore owner in THE HOWLING, The older security guard in LOONY TOONS: BACK IN ACTION, Walter Paisley in A BUCKET OF BLOOD, and the park owner in PIRANHA. I could go on and on.

     To make a long story short, Dick Miller is awesome, and so is this movie.

     So if you want one last chance to feel the Christmas spirit this evening, watch GREMLINS, and see a bunch of horrible monsters destroy the holiday for hundreds of people.

     My rating: * * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

     Thus ends my series of Christmas reviews for this year. Once again, have a very Merry Christmas from The Crypt of Terror. And remember, if things in your house start to act up or malfunction, be careful. It might just be the Gremlins. 

Silent Night, Deadly Night

     SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984): Starring- Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero, Britt Leach, Nancy Borgenicht, H.E.D. Redford, Danny Wagner, Linnea Quigley, Leo Geter, Randy Stumpf, and Will Hare.

     Directed by- Charles E. Sellier, Jr.

     Well, it's Christmas Eve, and with Old Saint Nick on his way, I thought I'd review one of the great Christmas classics of all time: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT!

     Because, when you think Christmas, it's obvious that this image comes to mind:

     .... And what a cheerful thought it is! So full of the Christmas spirit! Just look at that skinny, non-jolly sociopath, with his obvious fake beard and his joyous, gleaming, axe. Ah, fills me up with that warm, cheerful feeling. What, you aren't reminded of Christmas when you see a murderer dressed as Santa Claus? Well, good, because he's not really Santa Claus....

     Okay, I'll stop joking. I mean, we are talking about a Christmas movie that features the line: "Time to get shit-faced!"  In fact, just go on back to the top of this post and look at that poster.  What were you expecting, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? Well, that's not what we're getting. And, painful as it may be, I'm here to review this. I may only get coal tomorrow morning, but I will review this! I might wake up in Hell the day I die, but I will review this movie!

     .... Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but this is a bad movie! Well, let's dig in to the poisoned Christmas cookie that is.... SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

     Oh, and before we get started- Those of you expecting me to make the joke, I'm not doing it. That joke is overused already. Besides, that line wasn't even in this movie. It was in the sequel.

     

     So, the movie begins with young Billy (Wilson) on a long car ride with his parents and his infant brother, Ricky.

     This happy little family is off to visit Billy's crazy Grandpa (Hare). Why they decided to do this on Christmas Eve, I'll never know, as they seem to have stashed the poor old guy in another state. I mean, if you're trying to get rid of your elderly relatives, don't go visiting them after you've succeeded.

     Then, we see the reason that Grandpa is kept so far away from them. After pretending to be catatonic, Grandpa wakes up to warn Billy to be careful. You see, according to Grandpa, Santa Claus punishes naughty children horribly, and Billy had better run for his life if he sees Santa this night.

     After this, the family start their long journey back to wherever-the-hell-they-live, and wouldn't you know it, they're flagged down and held at gunpoint by a criminal dressed as- you guessed it- Santa! Billy, taking Grandpa's advice runs for his life, while the criminal guns down his father, then rapes his mother and stabs her to death. Billy sees all of this and it leaves him with serious mental scars. While all this is happening, little Ricky is crying and there are cheery Christmas carols playing on the car's radio. Stay classy, movie, stay classy....

     .... And, that's it for this point in the plot. We're not told how Billy and Ricky survive this ordeal, or what happens to the evil Saint Nick, or even whether crazy old Grandpa survived the night. Nope. None of that. Just, cut to five years later, where Billy and Ricky are living in an orphanage run by nuns. Right now, I'm just hoping the movie doesn't turn into nunsploitation. It doesn't. 

    Billy is having serious issues with the Christmas season, such as drawing  pictures of a bloody, murdering Santa Claus, and beating up a Santa that comes to visit the orphanage. Weird, you'd think that Catholic nuns would want to focus on the whole Christian aspect of Christmas, instead of focusing on Santa. Guess not.

    Anyway, Sister Margaret (McCormick) believes that Billy needs professional help to cure him of his Santa phobia. But Mother Superior (Chauvin) decides that all he needs is a good beating, because, as we all know, Catholics don't believe in science or psychology. No, those are all lies. Just punish, punish, punish! God, how stereotypical can you get? 

     So Billy is taught by Mother Superior that "Punishment is good!" Gee, I bet this won't have any affect on him in his later years. 

     Cut to eight years later, and Billy is now grown and trying to get a job. He eventually lands a position in the stockroom of a department store run by sleazy Mr. Sims (Leach). There he works hard and gains the respect of Sims and falls in love with coworker Pamela (Nero). Unfortunately, even-sleazier Andy (Stumpf) already has his eyes set on her. At least this is what I think happened. It was hard to tell, since most of this is told through a cheezy '80's montage. I'm not kidding. There's actually a fricking ten-minute-long montage in this movie!

     It so happens that the man scheduled to play Santa for the store is sick, or dead, or something. This leads Mr. Sims to make Billy play Santa for the little children. This, of course, brings back horrible memories for Billy, but he manages to hold himself together well. Except for the fact that he threatens the children. 

    Then comes Christmas Eve. After closing, Mr. Sims breaks out the vodka a throw a Christmas party where it's "Time to get shit-faced!" While everyone is doing so, Andy takes Pamela back to the storeroom and tries to rape her. Billy accidentally sees this, and it sends him over the edge. But, instead of helping poor Pamela, he simply strangles Andy with a string of Christmas lights, and then stabs her in the chest with a boxcutter. 

     Bill then dispatches drunken Mr. Sims, and sets off on an old-fashioned holiday killing spree, including sled decapitations, shootings, and, I kid you not, impalement on a set of antlers. Yeah.

     

    So, let's be honest, this movie is nothing special. It's poorly made, for the most part poorly acted, and just bad. Even the gore effects look silly. Even the whole Killer Santa idea has been done long before this. Yet, there's something about it that I just can't resist. It has a certain tacky charm. If you'll pardon the expression, this movie has balls. It truly pulls no punches whatsoever. Really, I can't think of anything that would make this movie more tasteless. Well, maybe if it were directed by John Waters.

    And, you have to admit that the movie does have some memorable dialog- No. That train of thought can only lead back to that stupid joke, and I won't do it!

     I suppose I should also talk about the controversy. This film got into a large amount of trouble when worried parents saw a TV spot the featured an image of Billy in the Santa suit and carrying the axe. Apparently, they thought that the film was going to somehow hurt their children. Okay.... and in what screwed-up world are you letting your young child see this movie in the first place? I mean, come on! That has to be the stupidest claim I've heard since Billy Graham said that THE EXORCIST had the power of Satan behind it. It's just a movie, folks! But, if anything, this ridiculous incident proved that you do not fuck with the PTA. Theaters showing the film were boycotted and picketed, so much so that Tri Star eventually pulled the film from distribution. Wow.

     So, if you want to watch something a little different this Christmas, or if you just want to throw dirt in the face of censorship, go ahead and watch SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. You'll probably regret it, but hey, it's Christmas.

     My rating: * *  out of  * * * *

     There, I reviewed a SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movie without making that stupid joke. Oh, alright, I'll do it. But only because it's Christmas Eve:

     From everyone here at The Crypt of Terror, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, and GARBAGE DAY!