Demons

DEMONS (1985): Starring- Urbano Barberini, Natasha Hovey, Karl Zinny, Fiore Argento, Paola Cozzo, Fabiola Toledo, Nicoletta Elmi, Bobby Rhodes, Stelio Candeli, Nicole Tessier, Guido Baldi, Bettina Ciampolino, Guiseppe Mauro Cruciano, Sally Day, and Geretta Geretta.

Directed by Lamberto Bava

Welcome back to the crypt! Have I got a real treat for you today... Like the subject of my (long ago) last review, THE BEYOND, DEMONS is an import from Italy. Also like the BEYOND, it's weird as hell. 

Imagine if you took everything that was great about 80's horror movies and mixed it with everything that was terrible about 80's horror movies. Well, the end result would probably be a lot like this movie. It's got all the trappings: gore, wooden acting, stereotypical characters, a pulsing punk rock soundtrack, random slow motion, and a totally nonsensical plot. And I love every second of it!

The film begins as young Cheryl (Hovey) is walking through the Berlin subway with the strange sensation that she's being followed. It turns out she's right, as a strange man wearing a silver half-mask that seems to be growing out of his face is actively pursuing her. Fortunately, it turns out the man is merely handing out tickets to a free showing at The Metropol, an upscale movie theater. Cheryl requests a second ticket so that she and her friend Kathy (Cozzo) can attend the showing, despite the fact that they have no clue about what the movie is.

Also attending the movie are George (Barberini) and Ken (Zinny), who soon have their eyes set on Cheryl and Kathy. Others in the audience include an arguing husband and wife, a blind man named Werner (One wonders why a blind man would go to the movies...), and Tony the pimp (Rhodes), who looks like he just stepped out of the late 70's.

The movie they are attending is about a group of archeologists searching for an ancient mask in a decrepit tomb. As it turns out, the mask is razor sharp, and if it scratches you, you become a vicious, demon-possessed murderer. Not-so-coincidentally, one of Tony's "friends," Rosemary (Geretta) has made the same mistake with a prop version of the mask which was displayed in the theater's lobby. Of course, the movie turns out to be prophetic, as Rosemary is soon very possessed and murderous, attacking other theater-goers and spreading the possession to them. The survivors soon find themselves trapped in the theater, and must contend with the vicious, slimy minions of hell that are fast approaching them. Meanwhile, a group of Berlin punks manage to break into the theater and soon become fodder for the demon army.

Well, I've got my work cut out for me in describing this one any further. It's... insane. It's one of those movies that doesn't seem to occupy our reality at all. The plot is totally nonsensical, yet seems to have its own weird, internal logic. The dialog ranges from dull to unintentionally (I think) hilarious, and the acting (read: the dubbing) is just out there. And I love every fucking second of it!

On a technical note, the cinematography is fantastic. The movie's colors just jump off the film and spew right into your face. It's probably no coincidence, as Dario Argento was the executive producer, and the director, Lamberto Bava, is the son of the great Mario Bava (BLACK SUNDAY, LISA AND THE DEVIL, BARON BLOOD, etc.) He clearly inherited a fantastic sense of visual style from his father. Plus, the scenery helps out a great deal. The neon-lit streets of Berlin lend a very kinetic, dangerous feel to the exteriors. And I just have to talk about The Metropol. This place looks like the coolest movie theater ever! I mean, it's just awesome. I wish I had a theater like this near where I live. 

The soundtrack, as previously stated, is an excellent mix of great '80's punk and metal, including tracks by Billy Idol, Mötley Crüe, Rick Springfield, Go West, and Claudio Simonetti of famed Italian prog rock band Goblin (another connection to Argento.) Although, to be perfectly honest, the placing of some of the tracks is a little inappropriate and distracting, but I don't care. Just look at that roster of artists. Just look at it. Need I say more...?

And there's one more thing I love about this movie: Tony the Pimp. This guy is great. He's got the John Travolta SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER suit, a gold medallion, and he talks like a mixture of Fred Williamson and Rudy Ray Moore. The second this guy walked into frame, I was rooting for him. Sadly, He doesn't last very long after the demons appear... But, he does reappear in the sequel, DEMONS 2. Maybe I'll cover that one later on...

So, that wraps this one up. It's hilarious, grusome cheese. If you can turn off your brain for the duration, it's a hell of a fun way to spend 90 minutes. Also, I happen to know from personal experience that it makes for a great party movie. So, if you get enough people together who are willing to watch it, pop it in and have a great time.

My Rating- *  *  *    out of    *  *  *  *

The Beyond (I'm back...)

THE BEYOND (1981): Starring- Catriona MacColl, David Warbeck, Sarah Keller, Antoine Saint-John, Veronica Lazar, Giovanni De Nava, Al Cliver, Michele Mirabella, Gianpaolo Saccarola, and Maria Pia Marsala.

Directed by- Lucio Fulci

Well, after a long and unfair hiatus, I've finally returned to you, my little droogies! And I've returned with one of the strangest, goriest, nastiest, most batshit-insane films ever to come out of Italy. (Which is really saying something, by the way...)

THE BEYOND begins in Louisiana in 1927, when a painter named Schweik (Saint-John) is attacked and crucified in the basement of The Seven Doors Hotel. You see, Schweik is also a warlock, and it turns out that the hotel was built over one of the seven gateways to hell, which Schweik has opened using the ancient Book of Eibon. Schweik does his best to explain that he is the only one who can save the hotel, but the angry mob attacking him doesn't listen, continuing with the crucifixion, after which, lye is thrown onto Schweik's corpse.

Flash-forward to 1981. Young Liza (MacColl) is the new owner of the now-defunct Seven Doors Hotel, which she is attempting to fix up. Unfortunately, during the repairs, a terrible "accident" occurs, causing one of her workers to fall from the top of the hotel. Dr. McCabe (Warbeck) is quickly called to the scene, simply stating "This man need to get to a hospital!" (Yeah, no shit...). Later on, Joe the plumber (De Nava) is called to help de-flood the basement. He discovers a crubmling wall, which he proceeds to break down. Unfortunately, this frees Schweik's severely decayed corpse. Schweik crushes Joe's skull and then returns to playing dead, leaving both of them to be taken to the hospital morgue.

Soon after this, Liza encouters a strange young blind woman named Emily (Keller), who warns her to stay away from the hotel, preventing a horrible process from starting over again. Of course, this being a horror movie, Liza doesn't listen. Because of this, things begin to progress very rapidly into a nightmarish torrent of insanity, with bodies piling up, murerous dogs, flesh-eating spiders, ghosts, possessions, acid-washing, and an army of living corpses led by Schweik.

This is a weird movie, to say the least. There are so many questions that this film raises that I could base the rest of this review around them. There's just so much here that's wrong. The english dubbing is terrible, the plot is scattered, the ending is abrupt, and it's very evident that this was made by people who didn't speak English (note the sign that reads "DO NOT ENTRY"). Also, like many zombie films, there are scenes that are just plain infuriating to watch. Despite knowing full well that shots to the head seem to kill these zombies, Dr. McCabe continues to fire all over the place. Just hit them in the head, dammit!

However, the film is highly enjoyable despite these problems. The film looks good, with Fulci's usual eye for visual detail. The special effects, though exceedingly gory, are very well-executed, except for some fake spiders. They look terrible. Also, the film's soundtrack by Italian composer Fabio Frizzi, a frequent Fulci collaborater, is highly catchy and wonderfully atmospheric.

All in all, this is a pretty good movie. If you can manage to turn your brain off, it's a great way to spend 87 minutes. I'd recommend it.

My rating- * * * out of * * * *

Blood of Dracula's Castle

     BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE (1969): Starring- John Carradine, Paula Raymond, Alxeander D'arcy, Robert Dix, Gene O'Shane, Babara Bishop, Vicki Volante, and Ray Young.

     Directed by- Al Adamson

     Well, I'm not too eager about the movie I'm reviewing today.  Not because I'm scared by it, but because it's one of the silliest, corniest, most cliched horror movies of all time. 

     Really, almost every part of this movie, every scene, every plot point, has been done before. And they've probably been done better. But, let's forget about the plot for a moment, because honestly there are plenty of horror movies with plots lifted from other, better horror movies. But the characters- even the characters are corny and cliched.

     For instance, our main character- Count Dracula, the lord of the dead, the greatest vampire of all time.

     No, not that one.

     Oh, I wish it was that one.

     Okay, I'm exaggerating this a little. After all, It's easy for Dracula to become a cliche, he's one of the most famous literary characters of all time. His story has been adapted hundreds of times.

     So, let's move on to the next character, the Count's evil, twisted, sadistic servant.

     No, not that one.

     No, not that one.

     No, not even that one. Instead, this is what we're stuck with:

     That's right. It's John Carradine (who, I'm assuming fired his agent after this). He's an odd choice to play the servant, considering he actually had played Dracula before. Why not just have him play the part he has experience with?

     Well anyway, let's move on to our next character/cardboard cut-out, the giant, slow-witted, lumbering beast that also works for the Count.

     No, not that one.

     No, not that one. This is the lumbering beast featured in this movie:

     Yikes. Well, there are a few more examples, but I'm beginning to waste space, so I'll get on with the review now.

     The movie begins when young photographer Glen (O'Shane) and his girlfriend, Liz (Bishop) learn that they've inherited a mysterious old castle. (Sounding familiar yet?) They also learn that the castle is still being rented by it's previous tenants.

     The tenants in question are the Count and Countess Dracula (D'arcy and Raymond), who now go by the name Townsend. (I will give the movie credit for at least not using "Alucard") They live in the castle with their elderly, devoted servant, George (Carradine). He is very devoted to the Count and Countess, so much so that he actually tells them "Good night" as the slip into the coffins. Also inhabiting the castle is the lumbering, slow-witted beast, Mango (Young).

     This is the first thing in this movie that had me laughing- Mango?! The monster is named Mango? Really? You couldn't have gone with Mongo? Yeah, I know that's an incredible cliche, but that would fit in perfectly with the rest of the movie. But I suppose Mango can work too. After all, when you think "terrifying and intimidating", it's obvious that the word "Mango" pops into your head immediately.

     Anyway, the two vampires seem to have moved on from their old habits. These days, they have Mango catch their victims, after which George takes blood from them in syringes, serving it to the Count and Countess. Well, that seems kind of lazy! Have these vampires just given up the natural impulses that make them vampires? Well, I suppose they're still a notch above Edward Cullen.

     So, with all this going on, Glen and Liz soon find themselves prisoners of the Count and Countess. For some reason, there's also a young serial killer (Dix) involved in this. I'm not sure why. Maybe the director just decide he needed one more gimmick in this movie.

     So this movie is certainly no classic. The plot is silly and cliched. The characters are silly and cliched. It's all very corny. But, strangely, it almost works. This movie knows itself exactly. It's completely aware of just how silly it's premise is, and it runs with it. Also on hand are some fairly decent performances. While the young leads are pretty terrible, Carradine, D'arcy and Raymond all give good performances. They also seem to get the joke, and they play it off with a sense of humour.

     The movie was directed by shlock king Al Adamson. This man was like the second Ed Wood. He also seemed to be very interested in Dracula, having directed this, DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1971), and DOCTOR DRACULA (1978). I'm just going to say that again: This man made a movie called DOCTOR DRACULA. Wow.

     I'd also like to talk about how this movie looks. The version I saw had terrible picture quality, covered in grain and bright lines running across the screen. Normally, this would be a problem, but I actually like it in this case. It gives the movie a certain sleazy charm. I feel like I'm watching an old Super 8. After it was chewed up by a dog. And stepped on several times. And dragged behind a car for thirty-six miles. And- well, you get the point.

    So, all in all, this movie is an enjoyable, if incredibly campy, viewing experience. After all, there's always room for campy movies. You just have to be in the right mood.

     My rating- * *  out of  * * * *

I Drink Your Blood, (a.k.a. Utter Insanity on Film)

     Well, at long last, I have finally returned! And, I've returned with a very special review:

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (1970): Starring- Bhaskar Roy Chowdhury, Iris Brooks, Riley Mills, Tyde Kierney, Richard Bowler, John Damon, George Patterson, Rhonda Fultz, Jadine Wong, and Lynn Lowry.

                            Directed by- David E. Durston

     Well, what a movie to come back to. I DRINK YOUR BLOOD. Movies like this are why I love the 1970's. They'll never make movies like this again. Just look at that poster up there: "Rabid, Drug-Infested Hippies On A Blood-Crazed Killing Rampage". That is just awesome. And, unlike so many movie posters' slogans, that one actually describes the entire plot of the movie. Well, there's a little more.

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD was originally titled PHOBIA, before it was put on a double-bill with the awful late-sixties zombie flick, I EAT YOUR SKIN (Hmm... maybe I'll get to that one later.) It was apparently an attempt to combine NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) with the recent real-life horrors of the Manson Family murders. Doesn't that just sound classy? However, the final result is more like THE CRAZIES (1973), if that movie had been written and directed by Charlie Manson while he was on a particularly nasty acid trip. Although, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It certainly makes for an interesting, unique horror film.

     The film follows the exploits of a group of Satanist hippies. Let the gravity of that sink in. Satanist hippies. Simply amazing. Anyway, the hippies beat and rape a young girl who tries to run away during one of their rites. Classy, ain't it?!

     After she is raped and beaten, Slyvia (Brooks) returns to her home town, which is now only populated by a few people and a crew of dam-builders. Sylvia's Grandfather (Bowler) is shocked at the state she is in.

     The hippies and their leader, Horace Bones (yeah, subtle....) just happen to be in town, and Grandpa decides to deal with them.

                                                                 Horace and his "family" 

     So, even though Grandpa has a fucking shotgun, he still manages to get beaten up by the unarmed hippies, who then slip him acid, sending him on a bad trip. After witnessing all of this, Sylvia's little brother, Petey (Mills) decides to get revenge.

     Petey happens to work at the local bakery, and decides to infect a few pies with rabies. He then serves the pies to the hippies. Damn...

                                                                           HARSH!

     So, the hippies, now infected with rabies, go on a killing spree throughout the town, and infect the entire building crew.

     Wow. I really don't know what to say. I mean just listen to that plot. How could anyone hate this movie? It's about Satanist hippies who get rabies and go on a rampage! Where else are you going to find that plot?

     Of course, the movie is not without its faults. Most of the acting is pretty bad, and there are a few shoddy special effects, but those just add to the movie's charm. I mean, you don't go to a movie called I DRINK YOUR BLOOD looking for perfection. You just go to have fun.

     However, the movie is incredibly gruesome, and certainly isn't for those who are easily offended. It's filled with gore, including hands chopped off, decapitations, people being impaled, and a pregnant woman being stabbed directly in the stomach. Tasteful, movie tasteful....

     Also, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure rabies doesn't make people do this:

     It's pretty clear that this movie is really trying to be a zombie movie. So much so, that I half-expected to see this happen:

     But, once again, I simply can't hate this movie. I just can't. I certainly wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but, If you're not bothered by extreme violence and gore, and you want to see something a little different, check it out.

     My rating- * * 1/2  out of  * * * *