Demons

DEMONS (1985): Starring- Urbano Barberini, Natasha Hovey, Karl Zinny, Fiore Argento, Paola Cozzo, Fabiola Toledo, Nicoletta Elmi, Bobby Rhodes, Stelio Candeli, Nicole Tessier, Guido Baldi, Bettina Ciampolino, Guiseppe Mauro Cruciano, Sally Day, and Geretta Geretta.

Directed by Lamberto Bava

Welcome back to the crypt! Have I got a real treat for you today... Like the subject of my (long ago) last review, THE BEYOND, DEMONS is an import from Italy. Also like the BEYOND, it's weird as hell. 

Imagine if you took everything that was great about 80's horror movies and mixed it with everything that was terrible about 80's horror movies. Well, the end result would probably be a lot like this movie. It's got all the trappings: gore, wooden acting, stereotypical characters, a pulsing punk rock soundtrack, random slow motion, and a totally nonsensical plot. And I love every second of it!

The film begins as young Cheryl (Hovey) is walking through the Berlin subway with the strange sensation that she's being followed. It turns out she's right, as a strange man wearing a silver half-mask that seems to be growing out of his face is actively pursuing her. Fortunately, it turns out the man is merely handing out tickets to a free showing at The Metropol, an upscale movie theater. Cheryl requests a second ticket so that she and her friend Kathy (Cozzo) can attend the showing, despite the fact that they have no clue about what the movie is.

Also attending the movie are George (Barberini) and Ken (Zinny), who soon have their eyes set on Cheryl and Kathy. Others in the audience include an arguing husband and wife, a blind man named Werner (One wonders why a blind man would go to the movies...), and Tony the pimp (Rhodes), who looks like he just stepped out of the late 70's.

The movie they are attending is about a group of archeologists searching for an ancient mask in a decrepit tomb. As it turns out, the mask is razor sharp, and if it scratches you, you become a vicious, demon-possessed murderer. Not-so-coincidentally, one of Tony's "friends," Rosemary (Geretta) has made the same mistake with a prop version of the mask which was displayed in the theater's lobby. Of course, the movie turns out to be prophetic, as Rosemary is soon very possessed and murderous, attacking other theater-goers and spreading the possession to them. The survivors soon find themselves trapped in the theater, and must contend with the vicious, slimy minions of hell that are fast approaching them. Meanwhile, a group of Berlin punks manage to break into the theater and soon become fodder for the demon army.

Well, I've got my work cut out for me in describing this one any further. It's... insane. It's one of those movies that doesn't seem to occupy our reality at all. The plot is totally nonsensical, yet seems to have its own weird, internal logic. The dialog ranges from dull to unintentionally (I think) hilarious, and the acting (read: the dubbing) is just out there. And I love every fucking second of it!

On a technical note, the cinematography is fantastic. The movie's colors just jump off the film and spew right into your face. It's probably no coincidence, as Dario Argento was the executive producer, and the director, Lamberto Bava, is the son of the great Mario Bava (BLACK SUNDAY, LISA AND THE DEVIL, BARON BLOOD, etc.) He clearly inherited a fantastic sense of visual style from his father. Plus, the scenery helps out a great deal. The neon-lit streets of Berlin lend a very kinetic, dangerous feel to the exteriors. And I just have to talk about The Metropol. This place looks like the coolest movie theater ever! I mean, it's just awesome. I wish I had a theater like this near where I live. 

The soundtrack, as previously stated, is an excellent mix of great '80's punk and metal, including tracks by Billy Idol, Mötley Crüe, Rick Springfield, Go West, and Claudio Simonetti of famed Italian prog rock band Goblin (another connection to Argento.) Although, to be perfectly honest, the placing of some of the tracks is a little inappropriate and distracting, but I don't care. Just look at that roster of artists. Just look at it. Need I say more...?

And there's one more thing I love about this movie: Tony the Pimp. This guy is great. He's got the John Travolta SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER suit, a gold medallion, and he talks like a mixture of Fred Williamson and Rudy Ray Moore. The second this guy walked into frame, I was rooting for him. Sadly, He doesn't last very long after the demons appear... But, he does reappear in the sequel, DEMONS 2. Maybe I'll cover that one later on...

So, that wraps this one up. It's hilarious, grusome cheese. If you can turn off your brain for the duration, it's a hell of a fun way to spend 90 minutes. Also, I happen to know from personal experience that it makes for a great party movie. So, if you get enough people together who are willing to watch it, pop it in and have a great time.

My Rating- *  *  *    out of    *  *  *  *

The Beyond (I'm back...)

THE BEYOND (1981): Starring- Catriona MacColl, David Warbeck, Sarah Keller, Antoine Saint-John, Veronica Lazar, Giovanni De Nava, Al Cliver, Michele Mirabella, Gianpaolo Saccarola, and Maria Pia Marsala.

Directed by- Lucio Fulci

Well, after a long and unfair hiatus, I've finally returned to you, my little droogies! And I've returned with one of the strangest, goriest, nastiest, most batshit-insane films ever to come out of Italy. (Which is really saying something, by the way...)

THE BEYOND begins in Louisiana in 1927, when a painter named Schweik (Saint-John) is attacked and crucified in the basement of The Seven Doors Hotel. You see, Schweik is also a warlock, and it turns out that the hotel was built over one of the seven gateways to hell, which Schweik has opened using the ancient Book of Eibon. Schweik does his best to explain that he is the only one who can save the hotel, but the angry mob attacking him doesn't listen, continuing with the crucifixion, after which, lye is thrown onto Schweik's corpse.

Flash-forward to 1981. Young Liza (MacColl) is the new owner of the now-defunct Seven Doors Hotel, which she is attempting to fix up. Unfortunately, during the repairs, a terrible "accident" occurs, causing one of her workers to fall from the top of the hotel. Dr. McCabe (Warbeck) is quickly called to the scene, simply stating "This man need to get to a hospital!" (Yeah, no shit...). Later on, Joe the plumber (De Nava) is called to help de-flood the basement. He discovers a crubmling wall, which he proceeds to break down. Unfortunately, this frees Schweik's severely decayed corpse. Schweik crushes Joe's skull and then returns to playing dead, leaving both of them to be taken to the hospital morgue.

Soon after this, Liza encouters a strange young blind woman named Emily (Keller), who warns her to stay away from the hotel, preventing a horrible process from starting over again. Of course, this being a horror movie, Liza doesn't listen. Because of this, things begin to progress very rapidly into a nightmarish torrent of insanity, with bodies piling up, murerous dogs, flesh-eating spiders, ghosts, possessions, acid-washing, and an army of living corpses led by Schweik.

This is a weird movie, to say the least. There are so many questions that this film raises that I could base the rest of this review around them. There's just so much here that's wrong. The english dubbing is terrible, the plot is scattered, the ending is abrupt, and it's very evident that this was made by people who didn't speak English (note the sign that reads "DO NOT ENTRY"). Also, like many zombie films, there are scenes that are just plain infuriating to watch. Despite knowing full well that shots to the head seem to kill these zombies, Dr. McCabe continues to fire all over the place. Just hit them in the head, dammit!

However, the film is highly enjoyable despite these problems. The film looks good, with Fulci's usual eye for visual detail. The special effects, though exceedingly gory, are very well-executed, except for some fake spiders. They look terrible. Also, the film's soundtrack by Italian composer Fabio Frizzi, a frequent Fulci collaborater, is highly catchy and wonderfully atmospheric.

All in all, this is a pretty good movie. If you can manage to turn your brain off, it's a great way to spend 87 minutes. I'd recommend it.

My rating- * * * out of * * * *

Lisa and the Devil/ The House of Exorcism (Different titles, almost the same movie)

Oh, this is gonna be hell for me.... Why, you ask? Well, it's because one of these movies is a horror classic, a cinematic masterpiece, and an eternal testament to the talents of a truly great director. And the other is a rip-off of another horror classic, a hacked-up ruination of that cinematic masterpiece, and a great insult to that truly great director. But, here's the thing: these are both the same fucking movie!! Well, kind of... You see, the difference between them is.... oh forget it! There's only one solution to this: a double review!

LISA AND THE DEVIL (1973): Starring- Elke Sommer, Telly Savalas, Alessio Orano, Sylvia Koscina, Eduardo Fajardo, Gabrielle Tinti, Espartaco Santini, and Alida Valli.

Directed by- Mario Bava

Well, here I go. After the enormous success of his film, BARON BLOOD (1972), director Mario Bava was given carte blanche to direct what he would consider his masterpiece, and this is what he came up with: a hauntingly beautiful masterpiece that transcends both the horror genre and the art of film. Everything in this film is beautiful, even the death scenes.

The "plot" is as follows: Young Lisa (Sommer) is visiting Spain and follows a tour to view a beautiful fresco of the Devil carrying away the dead to Hell. When she hears a strange, whimsical music playing, she follows the sound into a small antique shop. The music is coming from a music box owned by the sinister Leandro (brilliantly played by Savalas), who bears a remarkable resemblance to the image of the Devil (hint, hint....). She wanders out of the shop and finds that her tour is gone, and that all the streets seem to be deserted.

Lisa proceeds to wander the streets, and is assaulted by Carlo (Santini), who believes her to be his long-lost wife, Elena. After accidentally knocking Carlo down a stone stairway, Lisa hitches a ride with a wealthy couple (Koscina and Fajardo) and their driver (Tinti).

The group move on until the car breaks down in front of a small villa owned by a mad, blind Countess (Valli) and her seemingly innocent son, Maximilian (Orano). These two live here all alone except for their butler- guess who- devilish Leandro. Lisa and the others decide to stay there for the night. Once inside, their night becomes a nonsensical, lyrical, dream-like, moody, nightmare of murder, betrayal, necrophilia, seduction, incest, ghosts, and a melding of past, present, and future, all overseen by Leandro, or the Devil, if you prefer....

I could go on for pages and pages attempting to describe the many things that happen within the confines of this film, but that would only ruin the experience for you. Let me just say that when you see this, don't try to make sense of the plot, this isn't a film that revolves around it's story. And there's definitely nothing else like it.

My rating: * * * * out of * * * *

Unfortunately, this version of the movie was too different for Bava's producers, who expected a simple, straightforward horror movie and got something much different. Bava could find no one to distribute the film. In fact, technically, this version of the movie was never released theatrically. Sadly, after the film had languished in the vaults for several years, it was re-edited by producer Alfredo Leone and released as....

THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM (1974): Starring- Elke Sommer, Telly Savalas, Robert Alda, Sylvia Koscina, Alessio Orano, Eduardo Fajardo, Gabrielle Tinti, Espartico Santini, and Alida Valli.

Directed by- "Mickey Lion" (Mario Bava and Alfredo Leone)

..... this monstrosity. After finding no one to distribute LISA AND THE DEVIL, producer Alfredo Leone decided to cut more than 20 minutes out of the film (including its ending) and to insert newly-shot scenes that would cash in on the most popular horror film of the day.

What movie was it, you ask? Well, just think about it. Can't figure it out? Alright, I'll give you a hint- A young woman is tied to a bed, possessed, and is being exorcised by a priest who is rapidly losing his faith. Still can't think of it? OK, here's another hint- it starts with THE and ends with EXORCIST. Yes, that's right. They took a beautiful, atmospheric masterpiece, and turned it into an EXORCIST clone. And it isn't even one of the better EXORCIST clones!

Father Michael (Alda) is watching over a young tourist (Sommer), who mysteriously began screaming profanity and spitting up green vomit (Gee, where have I heard that before?). Eventually, the priest decides it's time for an exorcism. He begins speaking with the demon and learns the story of how it came to be inhabiting the body of this poor young girl. (The "story" is really just the mangled remaining footage from LISA AND THE DEVIL.) After hearing this story, Father Michael realizes that the only way he can save the girl is to exorcise spirits from an empty, ancient villa. And he does. THE END.

Why? Why would they do this to such a beautiful, complex movie is beyond me. I mean this is just crap. In case you're wondering, the added-on exorcism scenes are godawful. Not even classic actor Robert Alda can save them with his lazy, half-hearted, phoned-in performance. And these scenes are a great insult to Mario Bava, who refused to be present during their shooting, and had his name removed from the final product (Note the "Mickey Lion" pseudonym).

Also, just look at that stupid title! "THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM"? What the hell does that mean?!

It's trash.

My rating: * out of * * * *

So, to summarize, definitely see LISA AND THE DEVIL, destroy any print you can find of THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM.