IN MEMORIAM

Corey Haim

1971-2010

R.I.P.

Twilight (Oh, god, why?!)

     TWILIGHT (2008): Starring- Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli.

     Directed by- Catherine Harwicke

     (Sigh....)

     .... I really don't want to do this. I really don't want to do this. I REALLY don't want to do this!

     Chances are, if you're a fan of horror movies, then you didn't see this movie. Chances are, if you did see this movie, and liked it, then you don't like horror movies, consequently, you wouldn't be on this blog.

     All you need to know is that I'm doing this review for a friend. You know who you are, and  you owe me BIGTIME!

     Before I get to the review, I'd like to share a little experience I had with this movie. You see, the year this came out, I had a friend who was constantly raving about it to me, telling me how much I would love it. I asked this person why, and they told me: Because, after all these years, they had finally made a real vampire movie. That very second, I was no longer friends with this person.

     Now, why could that be? Why would I end a friendship over such a small issue? Oh, maybe because TWILIGHT isn't even fucking remotely close to being a real vampire movie!

     No, this is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     Hell, even this is a real vampire movie:

     .... But not TWILIGHT. No, not by a long shot. You see, it's missing several things that are crucial to a vampire movie: A plot, interesting characters, a frightening horror element/moving romance element, and vampires!!

     Yeah, I know the movie calls them vampires, but they're not. They're fucking not! Vampires do not walk around in daylight. Vampires do not go to high school. Vampires do not invite girls home to meet their families. Vampires do not play baseball. But, most importantly, vampires DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE!!! Oh, yes, I'm so intimidated by the pale, emo-looking guy with body glitter! Screw this movie.

     I'm sure you all know the plot by now, but here's a brief description: Boring, dumbass girl meets mysterious guy. Girl falls in love with Mysterious Guy. Mysterious guy turns out to be a vampire. Girl still claims to be in love with him, apparently just instantly believing him. Mysterious Guy warns her that he wants to murder her. Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy doesn't return her feelings in even the slightest, though he doesn't show any emotions, really. Increasingly Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy nearly gets her ripped apart by "evil" vampires (who actually do act like vampires. Why can't the movie be about them? Yeah it would still suck, but to a lesser extent). Increasingly, Painfully, Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. THE END. In other, stronger words: Pure, unadulterated bullshit!

     Really, the biggest problem with this movie is the writing behind it. Stephanie Meyer doesn't really seem to understand how human beings behave. Men are not mindless, passionless sex objects, as she seems to think. Women are not mindless, clingy, pathetic leeches, as she seems to think. I know I used the word "mindless" twice, but that one word could really describe the whole TWILIGHT franchise. It's mindless! And, as for the story, well what story?

     But, as bad as all of that is, this could've been saved if it were at least competently made. It's not. The movie is just poorly made. Most of the shots in this film look like a bad music video. No, I'm sorry, I misspoke. Saying that is an insult to bad music videos. The movie just looks like its makers knew that they would have a huge success, no matter what they made, so they just didn't even try.

     And as for the acting, well it sucks. I know for a fact that Robert Pattinson can do so much better than this. I mean, what is he doing here?! Kristin Stewart should just find a different profession altogether. The closest thing to a good performance this movie has is the evil, blond-haired vampire, whose name escapes me right now. He actually almost had me interested in the movie. But then he's dead after about five minutes. Way to go, movie! You just go ahead and waste the closest you've gotten to actually having a plot.

     But, I suppose this isn't the worst movie I've reviewed on this site, but it's pretty close.

     In closing, I'd like to note that one critic called this "The most epic romance since TITANIC." I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that statement....

     My rating: * 1/2  out of  * * * *

The Beast Must Die

     THE BEAST MUST DIE (1974): Starring- Calvin Lockhart, Peter Cushing, Marlene Clark, Ciaran Madden, Tom Chadbon, Micheal Gambon, Charles Gray, and Anton Diffring.

                                                               Directed by- Paul Annet

     Well, welcome to the Crypt once again. Boy do I have a weird one for you today. It's a werewolf movie, a murder mystery, a blaxploitation movie, and a gimmick movie, all rolled into one. Yes, THE BEAST MUST DIE is one of a kind, and maybe that's a good thing.

     The movie centers around near-psychotic millionaire and game-hunter, Tom Newcliffe. Tom prides himself on having killed one of every animal on the face of the earth, and has now invited several guests to his private island.

     Dr. Christopher Lungdren (Cushing), Davina Gilmore (Madden), Paul Foote (Chadbon), Jan Jarmokowski (Gambon), and Arthur Bennington (Gray), all arrive at Newcliffe's mansion, hoping to spend a peaceful weekend with him and his wife, Caroline (Clark). But there's something that Caroline and the guests don't know. Tom has installed a massive security system all over the island and in the mansion. This is all overseen by Tom's security technician, Pavel (Diffring).  

     And before you can say "Most Dangerous Game", the guests find themselves trapped on the island as Tom reveals his true intentions. Each of the guests was a suspect in a murder where the victim was partially eaten. This leads Tom to believe one of them is the one type of animal that he's never hunted before: a werewolf.

     .... Wait. What? How did he come to that conclusion? I would've just assumed they were murderers or cannibals. Plus, even if that assumption made sense, isn't it possible that all of them are werewolves? In which case he's effectively committed suicide. 

     Okay, so this plot point isn't exactly well thought out, but anyway, the guests and Caroline believe Tom is merely joking at first. But, as night falls, a beast is on the prowl. Tom tries to hunt the creature down, but by the end of the night, Pavel and Bennington are both dead.

     In the morning, Tom is intent on finding and killing the beast, even if that means murder.....

     So, THE BEAST MUST DIE, is certainly unique, but there's one part that's even stranger about it. The movie actually includes- and I'm not kidding here- a "Werewolf Break", where the audience is invited to guess who the werewolf is. Words fail me.

     Also interesting is the cast. We all know Peter Cushing as one of the gods of classic horror movies, but he has one of his more atypical roles here, as a German, complete with over-the-top accent. You also might recognize Calvin Lockhart as King Willie from PREDATOR 2.... or you might not. Also included are former Bond villain and future ROCKY HORROR cast member Charles Gray, and British character actor, Anton Diffring, whose presence is somewhat wasted, though he does make his virtual cameo fairly memorable. The movie probably wouldn't be nearly as entertaining without them.

     So, there you have it. A fairly entertaining, fairly different werewolf movie with a somewhat weak plot, supported by a great cast. Also, the werewolf break is a pretty entertaining idea.

     And that's all I have to say on this one.

     My rating- * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

The Giant Claw (A turkey about a giant turkey)

     THE GIANT CLAW (1957)- Starring: Jeff Morrow, Mara Corday, Morris Ankrum, Louis Merrill, and Edgar Barrier.

                                                       Directed by: Fred F. Sears 

     Well, welcome to The Crypt, once again! You know, I hope you people appreciate what I do for you! You can't believe the movies I've seen. I can hardly believe them.

     Like today's offering, for instance. Would you believe me if I told you that there's a movie about a giant, prehistoric vulture from outer space that swoops down and munches on planes? Well, there is. Oh yes, this movie exists, and I really don't know what to make of it except, well, just that. This movie exists.

     Really, just let the gravity of the plot sink in for a moment. A giant, prehistoric vulture from outer space that swoops down and eats aircrafts. No, I'm not high. This is actually what this movie is about.

     Well, I suppose I'd better get started. Come with me, if you wish, and see the ridiculous terrors of THE GIANT CLAW!

     So the movie starts with military test pilot Mitch MacAffee (Morrow). MacAffee is running a test flight for Gen. Considine (Ankrum), when he sees a strange shape fly by him. On the ground, however, nothing shows up on the radar. Jeff returns to the ground and claims that he saw a U.F.O. that looked like "a huge battleship". Mitch is amazed when he is told that nothing was found. 

     Considine is ready to court martial Mitch, when it is reported that a commercial plane has disappeared. The last transmission from the pilot claimed that they were attacked by "a huge battleship". It immediately  becomes clear that something must be done. 

     Mitch and his girlfriend, Sally (Corday), go up in a plane to see if they can find this mysterious "battleship". They do. The U.F.O. attacks the plane and sends it down, severely injuring the pilot. Mitch and Sally seek help at the farm of kindly French farmer, Pierre (Merrill). Later Pierre hears a strange noise outside and decides to inspect it. He attacked by the strange creature, and begins to scream about and ancient French legend.

     The military finally decides to send someone to kill this strange creature, and we finally get a glimpse of this great threat to America.

     I'll be honest. Up to this point, this was a fairly decent old-fashioned B-monster-movie. The performances were good, the action was convincing, and the monster was wisely kept offscreen. But then we get to see it. I can't really describe this creature, so I decided to include a picture of it. I warn you, take a deep breath before you scroll down and look at this thing. The first time I saw it, I had to pause the movie because I was on the floor laughing. It truly is the greatest "WTF" moment in movie history. So, proceed with caution:

     .... Dear god. What. The. Hell. Was that?! I mean, how could the producers of this movie think that anybody could take that thing seriously? Well, no one did. Supposedly, at the film's premiere, the movie was laughed off the screen. What's worse is that none of the actors knew what it looked like beforehand, so they all took the movie very seriously. It's been rumored that star Jeff Morrow left the premiere embarrassed and spent the rest of the night getting drunk..... I don't blame him.

     Anyway, back to the plot. So after the military manages to take pictures of "the battleship" (Hahaha!) they try to attack it, but bullets seem to have no effect on the beast. Dr. Noymann (Barrier) discovers that the bird is from another planet, and that it is surrounded by a field of antimatter, meaning nothing made of solid matter can have an effect on it. And it's laying eggs.....

     Wow. That's really all I have to say on this one, just.... wow! I mean, what were the makers of this movie thinking?! They took what could have been a B-movie classic, and gave it a monster so ridiculous, that it became a so-bad-it's-good classic.

     Alright, I'll admit that special effects weren't very advanced back in the 1950's, but this thing is just unforgivably ridiculous. I mean.... WOW!

     Also, just a side note, here: How in the hell does that thing look like a battleship?! It looks like the bastard child of a vulture and a rubber chicken! You would have to be high or blind to think that thing looks like a battleship.

     Plus, the bird is supposed to be extraterrestrial. Can you just imagine that thing flying through space?!

     On the positive side, the performances are pretty good, and the film is well shot. I suppose if you look at it as a comedy, it might actually work. It is pretty hilarious. I guess I really can't hate this movie entirely, but, wow- that damn chicken ruins it.

      So that's THE GIANT CLAW, a movie that could've been fairly decent, but instead just ended up being utterly ridiculous. That's all I have to say, so, until next time:

     My rating- * *  out of  * * * *

The Hunchback of the Morgue

     THE HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE (1973): Starring- Paul Naschy, Rosanna Yanni, Alberto Dalbes, Victor Alcazar, Sofia Casares, and Maria Elena Arpon.

                                 Directed by- Javier Aguirre

     Well, hello once again, my little minions! I've got a strange movie to introduce you to today. But before I get to that, I have to explain a few things.

     It's impossible to talk about this movie without first explaining who and what Paul Naschy is. Some of you might know who he is already. If so, good for you. Others might not, so I decided to tell you who he is, because, he's kind of a big deal in the horror world.

    Born under the name of Jacinto Molina, Naschy changed his name and began acting in the late 1960's. He landed his first starring role in 1968 in the film LA MARCA DEL HOMBRE LOBO, released in the U.S. as FRANKENSTEIN'S BLOODY TERROR, which is strange, considering that it was a werewolf movie.

     The film was a huge success, establishing Naschy' reputation as Spain's greatest horror star. It was also the first time he would play Count Waldemar Daninsky, the tortured werewolf. Naschy would play the character in twelve more movies, throughout the late 1960's into the early 2000's, perhaps the longest running horror series of all time. Poor old Daninsky fought mad scientists, destroyed vampires, encountered mummies, Yetis(!), became Mr. Hyde(!), vanquished evil Samurai(!), and even went to space!

     Naschy truly was one of the hardest working men in the horror field. He wrote most of the movies he starred in, and made more than 90 movies, spanning four decades.

     Now, it's true that Naschy's movies were cheap, silly, and cheesy, but they're fun, entertaining cheese, and you can tell that the man behind them loved what he was doing, and truly loved to entertain.

     Today, however, I'm not reviewing one of the Daninsky movies. Instead, I'm going to review one of Nashcy's lesser-known films, THE HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. It's also one of his weirdest movies, and that is really saying something.

     Naschy stars as Gotho, a mentally ill, hunchbacked morgue attendant, who works in the hospital in a small Swiss village. Gotho's life is essentially a living hell. He is insulted by his coworkers, seen as a monster by all of the villagers, and beaten by the children of the village.

     To make matters worse, Ilse (Arpon), the girl Gotho secretly loves, is dying of tuberculosis. Gotho visits her every day, and remains confident that Ilse will survive, but the girl knows better.

     Eventually, Ilse does die, and Gotho snaps. He kills two hospital attendants, steals Ilse's corpse, and hides it in a dank, underground cavern. When rats chew up part of Ilse's face, Gotho moves her to another room.

     Knowing that the police are looking for him, Gotho goes to Dr. Orla (Dalbes), the chief of medicine at the hospital, for help. Dr. Orla decides to use the naive hunchback to his own advantage.

     You see, Dr. Orla has a problem: The hospital has cut off funding for his experiments. And just what is the purpose of these experiments, you ask? Why, to create life, of course! So, Dr. Orla promises to bring Ilse back to life if Gotho will help him. The poor hunchback believes him, and before you know it, Dr. Orla and his assistant, Dr. Tauchner (Alcazar), have moved their laboratory, including an acid pit, into the cave. 

     Unfortunately, three incompetent movers take it upon themselves to dispose of Ilse's rotting corpse, and toss it into the acid. When Gotho discovers what they've done, he murders all three of them. Gotho is completely disheartened by the loss of Ilse, but Dr. Orla promises to create a new Ilse as long as Gotho continues helping him.

     The result of Dr. Orla's and Dr. Tauchner's experiment is apparently an enormous living cell, which devours human flesh. This means that Gotho has to kidnap people to feed to the creature. Gotho begins to prey on the inmates of a nearby women's reformatory, run by Eva (Casares), who happens to be Dr. Tauchner's girlfriend. While trying to kidnap girls, Gotho meets Elke (Yanni), who is kind to him. The two of them fall in love and begin a relationship. And yes, there is a very short sex scene (shudder....).

     Meanwhile, Dr. Tauchner realizes that what they are doing is wrong, and decides to inform the police. Dr. Orla won't allow this, however, and imprisons Tauchner and Eva within the cave. 

     One night, Elke follows Gotho into the cavern. Gotho catches her, and Dr. Orla tells him to feed her to the monster. Gotho refuses, and a fight ensues between him and the doctor. Gotho knocks out Dr. Orla, and frees Eva and Tauchner. The two of them leave with Elke, while Gotho stays behind to finish off Dr. Orla.

      The fight continues, and, after being shot by Dr. Orla, Gotho frees the cell-monster from the closet they keep it in. The monster melts off half of Dr. Orla's face, killing him. It then attacks Gotho, and the two of them go tumbling into the acid pit.

     So, like I said, this is quite a weird movie. I suppose you could tell that just from reading the above plot synopsis. All I can really say is, well, it's original. A bit loopy, perhaps, but original.

     As for the acting, well, the version I saw was dubbed into English, so it's a little hard to judge the performances, but they weren't terrible. 

    Naschy is what really drives the film, however. This can be said of most of his films. The man was a very talented actor, and he brings great sympathy and tragedy to the role of Gotho, which was no small feat.

     So that's HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. Is it silly? Yes. Is it trashy? Yes. Is it terrible? Not at all. It's certainly not for every taste, though....

     My rating: * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

     Unfortunately, I have to end this review on a very sad note. Paul Naschy died on November 30, 2009, at the age of 74. I say this with a great deal of sadness and embarrassment. Sadness because the world has lost a great talent, and one of it's last great horror personalities. Embarrassment, because I didn't even know about it until just a few weeks ago.

     Still, this is no time to talk about my own shortcomings as a horror fan, but instead a time to mourn a great loss, and to look back on the magnificent career of a truly great man.

     So, to you, Mr. Naschy, I say rest in peace. You will be remembered, and you truly deserve that. You may be gone, sir, but you have left behind you a great legacy, and thousands of fans, who I'm sure will miss you. Goodbye.

                                              R.I.P.

                                          1934-2009

The Wolf Man

     THE WOLF MAN (1941): Starring- Lon Chaney, Jr., Claude Rains, Evelyn Ankers, Ralph Bellamy, Maria Ouspenskaya, Patrick Knowles, and Bela Lugosi.

                                                    Directed by- George Waggner

     Well, here we are, once again. Let me tell you something, folks. I'm not a fan of remakes at all. That's probably the understatement of the year. I fucking HATE remakes. It doesn't even matter what remake it is.

     It can be a really good remake.....

     ..... Or a really bad remake.

     I'm sorry to all you remake fans out there, but I just don't approve of remakes. I think we need some more originality in Hollywood these days. And I don't think that every movie ever made needs a remake, but that's what studio executives seem to think.

     Seriously, since 1999, everything from WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY to GODZILLA to PROM NIGHT has been given a remake. I suppose I get the attraction to most of these remakes, but fucking PROM NIGHT?! There isn't much of an audience for a bloodless, PG-13 rated remake of a third-rate 8O's slasher movie. 

     Hey, while they're at it, why don't they give us a remake of BLOOD CULT? I bet everybody wants to be reminded of that cinematic suppository.

     But what really pisses me off is when a remake overshadows the original, and people forget that the movie was even a remake in the first place. That is a great insult to everyone that worked on the original!

     So, you can imagine how far and fast my heart sank when I saw this travesty hanging in my local movie theater:

     No. You know what, no! I won't stand for this! They can remake anything else they want, but not this. They can remake CASABLANCA, but not this. I grew up with the original THE WOLF MAN, and I won't let those remaking Hollywood hacks mess around with one of my most cherished childhood memories!

     Well, it seems like I don't have much say in the matter, as the movie will be coming out. So, instead of protesting theaters, I decided to remind everyone that the original still exists with my review of it.

     The film starts out when Lawrence Talbot (Chaney) returns to his ancient family mansion in England to live with his father, Sir John (Raines). Lawrence spends some time getting reacquainted with his home town, and meets Gwen Conliffe (Ankers), whom he instantly falls for. He also purchases a silver-tipped cane from her and is told the legend of the werewolf: "Even a man who is pure in heart, and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, and the Autumn moon is bright." 

     After several attempts, Larry manages to land a date with Gwen, who brings along her friend, Jenny. The three of them go to a visiting gypsy carnival, where Jenny decides to get her palm read by creepy fortune-teller, Bela (Lugosi). And, yes, that really is the character's name. They got Bela Lugosi to play a character named Bela.

     Anyway, Bela looks into Jenny's palm and sees the image of the pentagram. Bela freaks out and warns Jenny to run for her life. While looking for Larry and Gwen, Jenny is attacked and killed by a large wolf.

     Larry hears her screams and attacks the beast. He is bitten on the chest, but manages to beat the wolf to death with his cane. He is brought home by Gwen and Bela's mother, Maleva(Ouspenskaya). Just as soon as they arrive, Maleva has disappeared.

     The police do not find the carcass of a wolf at the scene, but instead find the body of Bela. And, the next morning, the wound on Larry's chest has disappeared, leaving only a scar in the shape of the pentagram.

     This is the point where Larry's life will become nothing short of a living hell. Everyone in the town now sees him as a murderer, and he can go nowhere without someone looking at him suspiciously. 

     Larry visits the carnival again and meets Maleva. He is told by the old woman that Bela was a werewolf, and that he is now a werewolf, having been bitten. Larry rushes home as the full moon rises, and he transforms into a beast that will haunt the citizens of this small village....

     Like I said before, I grew up loving this movie, and I still love it with all my heart. But, seeing it more recently, I picked up on so many things that went straight over my head when I was a kid. I never noticed how great the musical score was, or how haunting the photography looked, or how tragic the character of Lawrence Talbot is.

     Really, he might be my favorite of the universal monsters, beating out Frankenstein, Dracula, Kharis the Mummy, and the Invisible Man, among others. This character really isn't a monster at all, just a sad man who was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. I always end up feeling so sorry for him every time I watch this movie.

     Also, the movie is much more psychological than you would expect. It's never directly stated that Larry is a werewolf until about halfway through the movie.

      Also, all of the performances are fantastic. Larry Talbot is the greatest character that Lon Chaney, Jr., ever played. That's not really saying much, honestly, but it's still a great performance. And the relationship between Chaney and Claude Rains is amazing. I actually believe that they're father and son, which only goes to show what great actors both of them are. Evelyn Ankers is also good as the love interest. I honestly feel sorry for her character at times, as well. Finally, we have the great Maria Ouspenskaya as Maleva, the single greatest old gypsy woman in any movie ever.

     And the movie is shot beautifully. The fog shrouded forests, the bright, sunny, village streets, they all look so wonderful. This isn't just a classic horror movie, this is a classic movie.

     So, next month, when the inevitable remake comes out, go see it if you want to. It actually doesn't look all that bad. But I won't be seeing it. Ever. 

     Just promise me that you won't forget the original.

     My Rating: * * * *  out of  * * * *

     A Message from the Unknown Movie Fan:

     Hello, folks out there on the net. I'd like to tell you about a very close friend of mine: Psychotic Oreo. She is a very talented writer/producer who I know personally. If you'd like to read some of her work, you can check out  Baaka Productions over at www.baakapro.webs.com. I hope you check it out, but don't think that this means you're off the hook with me. I still expect you to read every review that I put up!