Blood Cult

     BLOOD CULT (1985): Starring- Charles Ellis, Juli Andleman, James Vance, Bennie Lee McGowan, and Josef Hardt.

                                              Directed by- Christopher Lewis.

     Folks, let me tell you something about your pal The Unknown Movie Fan. I'm not a drinker. And I don't usually drink. But, there's a bottle of black absinthe that I've been saving for a special, awful occasion. Right now, I'm ready to break it out, because I've got to be drunk off my ass for this. Why, you ask? Because this is the most irritating, shrill, annoying, poorly-made, ear-splitting, skull-shattering, eye-gouging, excuse for a movie that I've ever had the extreme displeasure of seeing.

     The movie I'm reviewing today is BLOOD CULT. But, before I get to the review, I have to give a little backstory on this "movie".

     You see, in the early 1980's, VHS was slowly becoming a profitable form of home entertainment. After a film was done with it's run in theaters, it would be released on VHS and the distributor would make a killing on the profits. 

     Eventually, some studios decided to eliminate the middle-man and remove theaters from the equation. This meant they could hire amateur directors to shoot cheap movies on video, and these "movies" would be released directly to the VHS market. I put quotes around movies because most of these things were really just amateur porn without the sex, or the talent.

    Anyway, the first studio to employ this technique was United Home Video. And what was the first movie that they released this way? Why, BLOOD CULT, of course!. That's right, BLOOD CULT is the first direct-to-video movie. 

     Doesn't that just sound like the backstory of an absolute classic movie?! Well, it's not. In fact, BLOOD CULT just might be in the running for the worst movie of all time.

     Okay, let's be honest. The horror genre is filled with bad movies, and we've all seen at least one bad movie in our lives:

     But those movies at least have something remotely entertaining about them. With this movie, I was actually in pain while watching it. I mean it really hurt. I think it shaved years off my life. Seriously, I walked into this with absolutely zero expectations, and I was still disappointed. No, not just disappointed, I was insulted by this piece of garbage.  

     So, let's go ahead and get started on the atrocity that is BLOOD CULT. Oh, and if you happen to see a horrible, bloody pulp lying around, don't worry. That's not a murder victim, it's just the shredded remains of the art of film-making.

     BLOOD CULT begins when a college girl (who shows all the enthusiasm and concern of a head of lettuce) is chopped to death in her shower. The murderer steals the girl's hand and leaves behind a small gold coin. 

    The town sheriff (Ellis, who can be clearly seen reading his lines from the script several times) is called in to investigate. But, seeing as he's an incompetent dumbass, he finds no leads, and several more poorly-shot murders are committed.

     With the help of his daughter (Andleman) and her boyfriend (Vance), the sheriff eventually discovers that the coins can be traced back to an ancient cult of dog-worshipers (yes, the movie goes there). The cult's practices include human sacrifice and bodily mutilation. After an unbearable 89 minutes, the sheriff discovers that this cult might be closer to him than he expected, and it's members include the kindly old town doctor (Hardt) and- GASP!- the sheriff's own daughter!

    God, what an awful movie this is. I honestly don't know what to say. In fact, it would be easier to go point-by-point and name all the areas where the filmmakers screwed up:

1.     FILMING: Now, I'll admit that it's almost impossible to make something look good if it was shot on video, but this movie looks atrocious even by those standards. The shots in the film are flat and uninteresting, and there's nothing that catches the eye. Everything either looks like a bad 80's music video, or it looks like a bad 80's infomercial. In fact, half the time I expected the actors were going to start trying to sell me car insurance. Also, there are several scenes in the movie where it seems like the sound technician turned his equipment off. I seriously can't hear a damn thing the actors are saying. This looks like something that a fourth-grader would shoot in his back yard.
2. WRITING: To start with, the entire premise of this movie is really unoriginal. That could've been overcome if it was written halfway decently. But it wasn't. It just wasn't. The story is poorly written, the dialog is atrocious, and the characters are unconvincing and unrealistic.
3. ACTING: And, when I say "acting" I'm not really sure what I mean. I can't really call these people actors and keep a straight face. They should really be called "Cue-card-readers", or "Friends-of-the-director-who-never-acted-again". Honestly, these people are just so awful. Every delivery, every syllable spoken in this movie is either unbelievably wooden, or unbelievably hammy, or some godawful mixture of the two. Even the women being murdered are terrible. How fucking hard is it to scream?! I honestly started to feel disgust for the human race while I was watching these monstrosities.

    There. That should be all that I have to say. Do I need to make it any clearer than that? Okay. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!

    I implore you, from the bottom of my heart, don't see this movie! I'm serious. Just don't. This isn't even a movie! It's 89 minutes of torture. That's what this thing is!

    The tagline for this movie was: "The first direct-to-video movie might just scare you to death!" Well, while I may not have been scared, I will give the movie some credit for almost killing me, because about halfway through it, I was ready to shoot myself. But I didn't. I survived this tragedy. And, now, I have to go find some way to erase my memory of it.

     My rating-  *  out of  * * * *

Gremlins

     GREMLINS (1984): Starring- Zach Galligan, Phoebe Kates, Hoyt Axton, Francis Lee McCain, Polly Holliday, Judge Reinhold, Dick Miller, Jackie Joseph, Corey Feldman, Glynn Turman, John Louie, and Key Luke.

                       Directed by- Joe Dante

     Well, it's Christmas Day, and I decided to review my favorite Christmas movie of all time. Yes, that's right. GREMLINS is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. And why not? This movie is filled with Christmas-y things. Snow, Christmas Trees, lights, people giving presents, mean old rich people, happy families, cute little pets, and horrible, green-skinned demons. Why I can't even think about Christmas without being reminded of the Gremlins. I'm a messed-up person.

     This movie begins when teenager Billy Peltzer (Galligan) is given a strange new pet by his father (Axton). A mogwai named Gizmo (Voiced, oddly enough, by Howie Mandel). What's a Mogwai, you ask? Well, that's kind of hard to explain. Lets just say they're little balls of fur with huge ears and weird, little snout-things. 

     Anyway, there are three rules that little Gizmo comes with. Number one: He can't get in sunlight. That'll kill him. Number two: He can't get wet. And, most importantly, Number three: He can't be fed after midnight. Seriously, don't do it. I'm begging you. Don't feed him after midnight. GOD HELP YOU IF YOU FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT!

     ..... Oh, sorry. But you'll find out why I'm so freaked out. So Billy has been given these three specific rules, and what's the first thing he does with his cute new pet? He breaks the second rule and gets Gizmo wet. The water causes the poor creature to shriek in pain and sprout tiny lumps of fur that eventually turn into other mogwais. But, where Gizmo is cute, these new mogwais are assholes. They sabotage things, try to kill the family dog, and eventually trick Billy into feeding them after midnight. This turns them into horrible reptile-creatures that then run amok through the city, leaving destruction and death in their path on Christmas Eve. Isn't that just charming?

     I love this movie. That's all I have to say. I love everything about it. The acting is great, the story is original, the characters are interesting, and the special effects are awesome. This movie is true proof that you can do great things without the aid of CGI.

     But, apart from all of that, there is one other reason that I love this movie: Dick Miller. Who is Dick Miller? Why, just one of the best actors of the last fifty years! For those of you who are unaware, Dick plays drunken old Mr. Futterman in this movie. Dick has been acting since the late 1950's and continues to act in movies to this day. If you don't remember him in this, he also played Joe, the truck driver, in SMALL SOLDIERS, The gun shop owner in the TERMINATOR, The creepy bookstore owner in THE HOWLING, The older security guard in LOONY TOONS: BACK IN ACTION, Walter Paisley in A BUCKET OF BLOOD, and the park owner in PIRANHA. I could go on and on.

     To make a long story short, Dick Miller is awesome, and so is this movie.

     So if you want one last chance to feel the Christmas spirit this evening, watch GREMLINS, and see a bunch of horrible monsters destroy the holiday for hundreds of people.

     My rating: * * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

     Thus ends my series of Christmas reviews for this year. Once again, have a very Merry Christmas from The Crypt of Terror. And remember, if things in your house start to act up or malfunction, be careful. It might just be the Gremlins. 

Silent Night, Deadly Night

     SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984): Starring- Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero, Britt Leach, Nancy Borgenicht, H.E.D. Redford, Danny Wagner, Linnea Quigley, Leo Geter, Randy Stumpf, and Will Hare.

     Directed by- Charles E. Sellier, Jr.

     Well, it's Christmas Eve, and with Old Saint Nick on his way, I thought I'd review one of the great Christmas classics of all time: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT!

     Because, when you think Christmas, it's obvious that this image comes to mind:

     .... And what a cheerful thought it is! So full of the Christmas spirit! Just look at that skinny, non-jolly sociopath, with his obvious fake beard and his joyous, gleaming, axe. Ah, fills me up with that warm, cheerful feeling. What, you aren't reminded of Christmas when you see a murderer dressed as Santa Claus? Well, good, because he's not really Santa Claus....

     Okay, I'll stop joking. I mean, we are talking about a Christmas movie that features the line: "Time to get shit-faced!"  In fact, just go on back to the top of this post and look at that poster.  What were you expecting, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? Well, that's not what we're getting. And, painful as it may be, I'm here to review this. I may only get coal tomorrow morning, but I will review this! I might wake up in Hell the day I die, but I will review this movie!

     .... Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but this is a bad movie! Well, let's dig in to the poisoned Christmas cookie that is.... SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

     Oh, and before we get started- Those of you expecting me to make the joke, I'm not doing it. That joke is overused already. Besides, that line wasn't even in this movie. It was in the sequel.

     

     So, the movie begins with young Billy (Wilson) on a long car ride with his parents and his infant brother, Ricky.

     This happy little family is off to visit Billy's crazy Grandpa (Hare). Why they decided to do this on Christmas Eve, I'll never know, as they seem to have stashed the poor old guy in another state. I mean, if you're trying to get rid of your elderly relatives, don't go visiting them after you've succeeded.

     Then, we see the reason that Grandpa is kept so far away from them. After pretending to be catatonic, Grandpa wakes up to warn Billy to be careful. You see, according to Grandpa, Santa Claus punishes naughty children horribly, and Billy had better run for his life if he sees Santa this night.

     After this, the family start their long journey back to wherever-the-hell-they-live, and wouldn't you know it, they're flagged down and held at gunpoint by a criminal dressed as- you guessed it- Santa! Billy, taking Grandpa's advice runs for his life, while the criminal guns down his father, then rapes his mother and stabs her to death. Billy sees all of this and it leaves him with serious mental scars. While all this is happening, little Ricky is crying and there are cheery Christmas carols playing on the car's radio. Stay classy, movie, stay classy....

     .... And, that's it for this point in the plot. We're not told how Billy and Ricky survive this ordeal, or what happens to the evil Saint Nick, or even whether crazy old Grandpa survived the night. Nope. None of that. Just, cut to five years later, where Billy and Ricky are living in an orphanage run by nuns. Right now, I'm just hoping the movie doesn't turn into nunsploitation. It doesn't. 

    Billy is having serious issues with the Christmas season, such as drawing  pictures of a bloody, murdering Santa Claus, and beating up a Santa that comes to visit the orphanage. Weird, you'd think that Catholic nuns would want to focus on the whole Christian aspect of Christmas, instead of focusing on Santa. Guess not.

    Anyway, Sister Margaret (McCormick) believes that Billy needs professional help to cure him of his Santa phobia. But Mother Superior (Chauvin) decides that all he needs is a good beating, because, as we all know, Catholics don't believe in science or psychology. No, those are all lies. Just punish, punish, punish! God, how stereotypical can you get? 

     So Billy is taught by Mother Superior that "Punishment is good!" Gee, I bet this won't have any affect on him in his later years. 

     Cut to eight years later, and Billy is now grown and trying to get a job. He eventually lands a position in the stockroom of a department store run by sleazy Mr. Sims (Leach). There he works hard and gains the respect of Sims and falls in love with coworker Pamela (Nero). Unfortunately, even-sleazier Andy (Stumpf) already has his eyes set on her. At least this is what I think happened. It was hard to tell, since most of this is told through a cheezy '80's montage. I'm not kidding. There's actually a fricking ten-minute-long montage in this movie!

     It so happens that the man scheduled to play Santa for the store is sick, or dead, or something. This leads Mr. Sims to make Billy play Santa for the little children. This, of course, brings back horrible memories for Billy, but he manages to hold himself together well. Except for the fact that he threatens the children. 

    Then comes Christmas Eve. After closing, Mr. Sims breaks out the vodka a throw a Christmas party where it's "Time to get shit-faced!" While everyone is doing so, Andy takes Pamela back to the storeroom and tries to rape her. Billy accidentally sees this, and it sends him over the edge. But, instead of helping poor Pamela, he simply strangles Andy with a string of Christmas lights, and then stabs her in the chest with a boxcutter. 

     Bill then dispatches drunken Mr. Sims, and sets off on an old-fashioned holiday killing spree, including sled decapitations, shootings, and, I kid you not, impalement on a set of antlers. Yeah.

     

    So, let's be honest, this movie is nothing special. It's poorly made, for the most part poorly acted, and just bad. Even the gore effects look silly. Even the whole Killer Santa idea has been done long before this. Yet, there's something about it that I just can't resist. It has a certain tacky charm. If you'll pardon the expression, this movie has balls. It truly pulls no punches whatsoever. Really, I can't think of anything that would make this movie more tasteless. Well, maybe if it were directed by John Waters.

    And, you have to admit that the movie does have some memorable dialog- No. That train of thought can only lead back to that stupid joke, and I won't do it!

     I suppose I should also talk about the controversy. This film got into a large amount of trouble when worried parents saw a TV spot the featured an image of Billy in the Santa suit and carrying the axe. Apparently, they thought that the film was going to somehow hurt their children. Okay.... and in what screwed-up world are you letting your young child see this movie in the first place? I mean, come on! That has to be the stupidest claim I've heard since Billy Graham said that THE EXORCIST had the power of Satan behind it. It's just a movie, folks! But, if anything, this ridiculous incident proved that you do not fuck with the PTA. Theaters showing the film were boycotted and picketed, so much so that Tri Star eventually pulled the film from distribution. Wow.

     So, if you want to watch something a little different this Christmas, or if you just want to throw dirt in the face of censorship, go ahead and watch SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. You'll probably regret it, but hey, it's Christmas.

     My rating: * *  out of  * * * *

     There, I reviewed a SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movie without making that stupid joke. Oh, alright, I'll do it. But only because it's Christmas Eve:

     From everyone here at The Crypt of Terror, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, and GARBAGE DAY!  

Black Christmas

     BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974): Starring- Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, Keir Dullea, Marian Waldman, Andrea Martin, James Edmond, and John Saxon.

                                                          Directed by- Bob Clark

     Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. Yes, I know it's been a while since my last post, but I have some vacation time coming up, and I thought I'd get myself in the good old Christmas spirit by watching the ultimate Christmas themed horror movie: BLACK CHRISTMAS.

     You may remember that in my review of HALLOWEEN, I called this movie the original slasher film. I stand by that comment. While this may not be the first movie to feature a psychotic maniac killing off the cast one-by-one, this is the first movie to employ all the classic elements of a slasher film. It's all here: The point-of-view shots, the slutty teenage girls, the isolated setting, the nasty death scenes, the creepy phone calls, the clueless police officers, even the holiday-themed title.

     The film was directed by Bob Clark, whose name you might recognize from another Christmas classic:

       Can't you just imagine little Ralphie turning into a serial killer?

     That's right. The guy who directed A CHRISTMAS STORY also directed this. In fact, this wasn't his first horror movie, either...

                     Oh, Dear God, why did I have to bring this up?   

     ....Right. Well, I promise you that BLACK CHRISTMAS is much, much better. So, with all that said, break out the fruitcake and the butcher knife, and let's dig into this charming little holiday classic. 

     The film opens in a college dormitory. The girls are all prepared to leave for Christmas, when the get a strange phone call from an unknown source. The caller says a number of grotesque, profane remarks, grunts, and screams before hanging up. This can't be a good sign. But, before the terror begins, we get a window into these girls' lives. Jess (Hussey) is having relationship problems with her unstable boyfriend, Peter (Dullea, who is way too old for the part he's playing here).  Clare (Lynne Griffin) is leaving to visit her family. Phyllis (Martin) is just the nerd who doesn't have much of a backstory.  Mrs. MacHenry is intent to drink every form of alcohol in sight, and Barbara (Kidder) does pretty much the exact same thing....

     All of these story threads could make for an interesting drama film, but then I wouldn't be reviewing it, would I? Yes, before you know it, Clare has been suffocated with a plastic bag and propped up in the attic. Somehow, no one notices this.

     The next day, Clare's father (Edmond) shows up looking for his daughter. He's fairly stiff, and has some fun scenes with Mrs. MacHenry before she gets a hook driven into her throat. 

     Meanwhile, Jess discovers that she is pregnant with Peter's child. This doesn't go over well with Peter, who seems less sane every time he's onscreen. More phone calls are made, and Jess and Phyllis finally decide to call the police. Lt. Fuller (Saxon) arrives and begins the process of tracing the calls, while also mounting the search for Clare.

     More people are eventually killed and Jess begins to suspect that Peter may be behind all of this after it is discovered that the calls are coming from inside the house (yeah, big surprise....).

     I'll also add that this film has one of the most unnerving endings of all time, but I'll never tell you what is. You'll have to watch the movie yourself.

     Anyway, this movie may not have the most original premise (though it was the first movie that I know of to use the "Calls-from-inside-the-house" twist), where it really shines is its direction and acting. The film is just oozing with atmosphere and is beautifully shot. I don't care what people say, John Carpenter definitely ripped off the opening POV shot in HALLOWEEN.

    And then there's the cast. This movie has one of the most unique casts I've ever seen in a slasher movie. First we've got Olivia Hussey, who would go on to great fame, and Margot Kidder, who later played Lois Lane in the SUPERMAN films, giving a hilarious performance. I often wonder if she was actually drunk on the set and they just let her wander into scenes. Her character also has one of the weirdest death scenes I've ever seen. Then we have Kier Dullea. I still maintain that he's too old for this part. I mean, he was in 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, for god's sake! What, was he in his forties when he made this? And he's playing a college student. Yeah, sure.... Finally we have John Saxon, fresh from his role in ENTER THE DRAGON, as the police lieutenant. He's essentially just playing the exact same character he played in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, so, if you've seen that, you can almost pretend that it's the same character before he got married and had a daughter. It's a small role, but his presence is still felt.

     So this Christmas Eve, if you're tired of watching IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, or A CHRISTMAS STORY, do yourself a favor and watch this instead. I guarantee that you'll still be awake on Christmas morning....

     My rating: * * *  out of  * * * *