Don't Open Till Christmas

DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984): Starring- Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne, Mark Jones, Gerry Sundquist, Kelly Baker, Kevin Lloyd, and Caroline Munro.

Directed by-Edmund Purdom

Well, hello once again, my little minions. Christmas is upon us. To be honest, I've nearly run out of Christmas-themed horror movies to review. There's really not that many of them. And, yes, I know that there were four sequels to SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, but screw that. I've had enough of that movie for a lifetime. Besides we all know what would eventually pop up if I review those movies:

... Yeah. Not gonna happen. Instead, I've decided that this year, I'll stay as far away from SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT as possible. And what better way to do so that by reviewing a movie that is nearly the exact opposite of that one?

What I mean is that DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS is about a man going round killing people dressed as Santa, as opposed to a man dressed as Santa going round killing regular people. It's also incredibly stupid.

The film begins when a man performing as Santa Claus in an English nightclub being stabbed through the back of the throat with a spear. (How the killer managed to get into a nightclub carrying a spear, we'll probably never know.)

It turns out that this is the most recent in a series of Santa slayings, and Inspector Harris (Purdom) of Scotland Yard is working hard on the case. He interviews the man's distraught daughter, Kate (Mayne) but he turns up no leads in the investigation, though he suspects her boyfriend, Cliff (Sundquist).

Meanwhile, sleazy reporter Giles (Lake) attempts to sell information to another police officer, Sergeant Powell (Jones). Of course, he does this in the most cryptic, mysterious way possible, and all the while, threatening music is playing on the soundtrack. Now, I'm not trying to give anything away, but let's just say that Giles might as well have "I'M TOTALLY NOT THE KILLER" tattooed on his forehead.

While all this is going on, Several more Santas are murdered in increasingly gruesome ways: Such as stabbing, strangling, shooting, and even castration in a public restroom. (I'm dead serious.) I have to ask: are there really this many people just wandering the streets in Santa Claus outfits? I mean, I understand that the movie is set at Christmas time, but that's no excuse. Okay, so there are a few people who dress up as Santa, but that's usually only on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Otherwise, the only place you'll see someone dressed as Santa is at a mall or next to a Salvation Army stand.

Anyway, Kate continues to wonder about her father's murder when she is approached by Giles, who again acts about as suspicious as possible. Mind you, this is only about twenty minutes in. I've already essentially guessed who the killer is probably going to be. Then again, most of the supporting cast seem to be potential murderers. Cliff appears to have a severe anger issue, Giles is sleazy and mysterious, Inspector Harris seems to know just a bit too much about the case, and Gerry (Lloyd) is a porn photographer and slimy as all hell. Plus, most of the Santas are either sexual deviants or drunks or small time crooks. Seriously, we actually see a guy dressed as Santa Claus try to pick up a hooker in this movie. Who knew England was so sleazy in the 80's?

Incidentally, when we do see the killer on screen, he wears a mask that looks quite a lot like Giles' face. So, yeah, fuck any mystery there could possibly be to this movie! I think I'll just end the synopsis here, as it's far too easy to spoil the movie.

Oh, there is one more thing I'd like to mention: Inspector Harris is killed by an exploding Christmas present. I just couldn't help mentioning that.

This is an odd, for lack of a better word, movie. It' something of a hard one to review. You see, halfway through the film's production, director/star Edmund Purdom walked off the set, leaving behind only a few finished scenes. Direction was then taken over for two days by the film's writer, Derek Ford. When he was fired from the production, direction was taken over by the editor, Ray Selfe. Purdom returned for two scenes and then left the set permanently. New footage was shot, including gory inserts in the murder sequences, and was then added to the Purdom footage.

This creates a problem with the film, as Purdom plays the movie's central character, yet he isn't around for half of the movie. What we get is the rest of the cast basically describing what's happening off screen. The end product is a jumbled mish-mash of a movie. Characters appear and disappear from the plot very rapidly, important plot points take place off screen, and sometimes the footage honestly doesn't fit together that well.

But, what it lacks in narrative coherence, it makes up for in nasty murders and nasty Santas. It really seems as if this movie hates Christmas. In fact, this movie was released the same year as SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. So, that movie is greeted with controversy and picket signs, yet this movie just slips under the radar? Apparently, it's okay if twelve different Santas are killed in increasingly violent ways, but Santa simply cannot do the killing.

I'm not really sure what to say about this one. It's not very good, but it's not awful, either. It just sort of sits there, dull and flat. There's really no motivation anyone could possibly have for seeing it. I mean, who am I supposed to recommend this to? I guess, people who hate Santa Claus...?

Yeah, that'll work. If you have a homicidal rage toward Santa Claus, then this is the Christmas movie for you!

My rating: * * out of * * * *

Until next time, goodbye, and have a very Merry Christmas!

Plan 9 from Outer Space

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959): Starring- Gregory Walcott, Mona McKinnon, Duke Moore, Tom Keene, Tor Johnson, Paul Marco, Dudley Manlove (no, I'm not making that name up), Johanna Lee, John Breckinridge, Lyle Talbot, Conrad Brooks, Vampira (I'm not making that name up, either), Criswell, Tom Mason, and Bela Lugosi.

Directed by- Ed Wood.

Ah, Ed Wood, you magnificent, brilliant, insane bastard. Who else could have given us the movies you gave us?


For those of you who don't know him, Ed Wood is almost universally hailed and beloved as the worst director of all time. He brought us some of the worst, cheesiest, most insane and hilariously awful films of their time. And many movie fans, myself included, happen to love his movies for this very reason. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE happens to be a Halloween tradition for me.


So, without further ado, let's get on with the review!





The movie begins with a brief prologue, entitled "Criswell Predicts", in which popular "psychic" Criswell gives us a prediction for the future. FYI, this is Criswell:

Criswell has some wonderful advice to give us, such as: "My friends, you are interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives!" or "Future events, such as these, will affect you in the future!" Anyway, he attempts to make the claim that this movie was based on a true story (it wasn't) and we get on with the plot.

The film begins with the funeral of a young woman (played by former late-night TV hostess, Vampira). At the exact same moment, flying saucers are spotted in the sky, hovering over the graveyard. The young woman then rises from the grave and kills two gravediggers by raising her arms.

The next morning, the woman's husband (played by stock footage of Bela Lugosi) is distracted by his grief over her death, and is killed offscreen in a car accident. The man is also resurrected (now played by an obvious double).

Soon after, the gravediggers' bodies are discovered, and the police are called in, led by Inspector Clay (Tor Johnson, whose dialog is completely incomprehensible.) The old man and his wife make short work of Clay, and he is later resurrected as well.

The zombies (all three of them) and the flying saucers continue to terrorize the small town, and Earth is left with pilot Jeff Trent (Walcott) as it's only hero. We're doomed.

It so happens that a race of aliens is responsible for bringning back the dead as zombies in the hopes that this will stop humanity from creating a grand weapon that would destroy all life on Earth. So, their solution to the destruction of humanity is to destroy humanity? Makes sense, I guess...

I could write an essay on all the mistakes in this movie. There are numerous gravestones that are knocked over accidentally by the actors, the special effects are bad (and I don't mean 1950's bad, I mean hilariously bad), the dialog is stilted and silly, and most of the acting is downright awful.

Take, for instance, the flying saucers. I could describe them, but instead I've included a picture of them:

I think that photo speaks for itself.

How about the zombies? These are supposed to be terrifying, frightening creatures that will make humanity change its ways. And what do they look like, you may ask? Well, this:

Or, they look like this:

Not too intimidating, are they?

But, by far my favorite part of this of this movie has got to be the Lugosi character. You see, Ed Wood was a good friend of Lugosi towards the end of his life, and Lugosi starred in two of Wood's previous films. Unfortunately, the actor died shortly before filming of PLAN 9 began. However, Wood had leftover footage of Lugosi, and decided to splice it into the movie and market it as being Lugosi's last film. But Lugosi's character is rather central to the plot. So, half the time, we see stock footage of Lugosi, and half the time we see a double who looks nothing like Lugosi. Allow me to illustrate.

This is what the real Lugosi looked like at the time:

And this is what the double looks like:

Having trouble seeing the double's face? Well, too bad, because he does that "cape over the face" move every time he's on screen.

You know, I really should give this a negative review. I really should. There's absolutely nothing good about it, but it's just so damned entertaining. I can't bring myself to hate it. This movie is the very definition of the phrase "So bad it's good." It's really a lot of fun.

Does that mean that I'm recommending PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE? Well, let's put it this way: As a movie, it's terrible. But as a bad movie, it's a grade-A masterpiece! Besides, there are many worse ways to spend 70 minutes.

My rating: Rating this film is a somewhat difficult task, so I've decided to give it two ratings.

Regular movie scale: * out of * * * *

Trash movie scale: * * * * out of * * * *

The Bride of Frankenstein

Dear sweet lord... Nearly two months. How in the hell did that happen?! Well, with October around again and horror on my mind, I've decided to find my way back to my little blog. After all, it's the one-year anniversary of this place. Well, technically, that was a few days ago, but I didn't notice that little oversight until it was too late. So now, it's time for some Halloween reviews!






With that said, let's begin. If you'll recall, my very first review back in last October was of James Whales' seminal classic, FRANKENSTEIN (1931). Taking the logical step from there, Tonight I'm reviewing his even-more-seminal (in my opinion at least) sequel, BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935).

THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935): Starring- Boris Karloff, Colin Clive, Valerie Hobson, Ernest Thesiger, Una O'Connor, E.E. Clive, Dwight Frye, O.P. Heggie, and Elsa Lanchester.

Directed by- James Whale.

My review of the original FRANKENSTEIN was little more than a short blurb calling the movie an absolute classic. I hope I can go a little more in-depth this time, especially since I believe that this movie is even better than the first.

While it is very rare to find a sequel that is better than the original, I think this one can certainly make that claim. While the original is a brilliant and innovative horror movie, it did have its faults. This film has barely any, and improves upon the original in almost every way.

The film begins where the first one left off. Well, sort of. There is a brief prologue featuring Mary Shelley (Lanchester) explaining that she did not tell the entire story in her famous novel. (A bit unnecessary, considering that FRANKENSTEIN barely resembled Shelley's novel.)

Anyway, after that the film picks up where the original left off. Dr. Frankenstein (Clive) is being taken home to recover from his injuries while The Monster (Karloff, giving yet another fantastic performance in this role) burns alive at the hands of the angry villagers. However, The Monster isn't as dead as he seems. After killing two villagers and terrifying a few others, he is on the prowl throughout the countryside again. But, unlike the first movie, this time around The Monster is angry and on the warpath.

Meanwhile, Frankenstein is visited by an old friend and teacher, Dr. Septimus Pretorious (Thesiger). Pretorious shows Frankenstein that he has had similar ideas and created life himself. Unfortunately, Pretorious' creations were grown naturally instead of sewn togehter. Therefore, these creatures are only a few inches tall. Pretorious decides to blackmail Frankenstein into building a life-sized mate for The Monster. Frankenstein, however is unwilling to continue his work.

After meeting an old blind man in the woods, The Monster is taught to speak, and begins to desire a companion. He runs into Pretorious, who begins to use the creature as a pawn in his devilish plot. Knowing what The Monster is capable of, Frankenstein reluctantly agrees and the two scientists begin work on The Bride (Lachester, again...).

As I said before, I think this film surpasses the original in almost every way. The performances, the direction, the set design, and the cinematography are all perfect with very few exceptions. This movie is the ultimate product of Universal's horror cycle in the '30's and '40's, and I think it may be the best horror movie of the 1930's.

The performances are fantastic, especially Boris Karloff as The Monster. He brings a quiet pathos and sadness to the role, as he did in the first film. This time around, The Monster is allowed to speak, and Karloff has some brilliant lines ("I love dead.... hate living!") which he delivers perfectly . Also returning is Colin Clive as Dr. Frankenstein, giving yet another panicked, jittery performance that suits the character so well. Valerie Hobson is somewhat stiff as Elizabeth Frankenstein, but I much prefer her to Mae Clark, who played the character in the original. Besides Karloff's, the best performance in the film is delivered by Ernest Thesiger as Dr. Pretorious. He does everything in the film with such a devilish delight. This character is clearly entertained by just about everything around him, joking and laughing to his heart's content, and Thesiger delivers the dialogue with deliciously evil mirth. He also gives the most memorable line in the entire movie: "To a new world, of Gods and Monsters!" That is a true mad scientist, my friends.

Whale's direction is wonderful, and it's clear that this man knew how to make a movie. It's honestly a shame he didn't get more recognition as a director, but at least he got a biopic:

Anyway, the film looks fantastic, and was clearly a huge influence on many later horror films. This movie is responsible for just about everything we assosciate with old-fashioned horror these days. It has it all: Manic mad scientists, hulking monsters, damsels in distress, demented assitants, angry villagers, exploding buildings, a tragic ending, and best of all: the gigantic, elaborate laboratory sets (The exact props from this film were used in the original FRANKENSTEIN, this film, FRANKENSTEIN 1970 (1958), and many others, even YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974). Those are some durable sets.)

So, there you have it. BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN is an absolute classic, and required viewing around Halloween.

My rating: * * * * out of * * * *

Angel Heart

     ANGEL HEART (1987): Starring- Mickey Rourke, Lisa Bonet, Charlotte Rampling, Stocker Fontelieu, Brownie McGhee, Michael Higgins, Elizabeth Whitcraft, Eliott Keener, Dann Florek, and Robert De Niro.

     Directed by- Alan Parker

     Well, have I got an intersting little offering for you today. Alan Parker's ANGEL HEART is an absolutely outstanding film, and one that you may not have heard of. That is an absolute tragedy. I sincerely believe that this is a masterpiece of horror cinema, and of cinema itself. It effectively combines the detective genre with the horror genre, and honestly, it's a damn scary movie! 

     The film begins in 1955, in the office of private detective Harry Angel (Rourke). Angel is contacted by a strange gentleman named Louis Cyphre. (De Niro) Cyphre wants Angel to help him find a former client of his named Johnny Favorite. Favorite was a popular singer who was drafted and injured during World War II, losing his memory. Favorite was checked into a hospital, an utter vegetable. 

     Since then, Cypher has had no contact with Favorite, and wants Angel to investigate to see whether he is still alive or not.

     Angel travles to the hospital and learns from elderly, morphine-addicted Dr. Fowler (Higgins) that Favorite was taken from his hospital bed years ago. Fowler was paid to keep it a secret and he continued to falsify the hospital's records. After speaking with Angel, the doctor is murdered.

     Angel pays a visit to Spider Simpson, a former guitar player in Johnny Favorite's band, and finds that Favorite had a very shady past. Favorite carried on a relationship with a young, southern debutante named Margaret Krusmark (Rampling), while also carrying on with a woman named Evangeline Proudfoot, with whom he had a daughter, Epiphany (Bonet).

     Following this trail, Angel is lead to New Orleans, where this case begins to take on strange undertones of voodoo and satanism. After interviewing Toots Sweet (McGhee), a gutiarist associated with Johnny Favorite, Angel meets with Epiphany, who claims to have no memory of her father, except that her mother claimed that he was purely, absolutely evil.

     After meeting with Margaret Krusmark, Angel begins to have doubts about the case, and these doubt grow when his witnesses begin turning up dead, murdered in exceedingly grusome ways.

     This, however, is where I must end my summary of the movie. If I went any further, I would risk giving away the film's twist ending, and that would be an absolute crime. I'll just say that the ending works perfectly, and unlike some other films with twist endings, this one still holds up during a second viewing.

    This movie is wonderful. Everything works about it. It's truly a tragedy that it isn't more well known.

     The cast is simply magificent, especially Mickey Rourke and Robert De Niro. Rourke's gives a performance in this that I think is better than his performance in THE WRESTLER (2008). De Niro is wonderful as Louis Cyphre. Though he has little screen time, he brings a subtle, sinister presence to the role.

     The cinematography by Michael Seresin is fantastic. Everything in the movie just has a sort of seedy, trashy quality to it. This is perfectly complimented by Trevor Jone's score. Both of these factors give the film an eerie, uneasy feel to it, which is exactly what works for it.

     If I had to guess why this movie isn't exactly popular, I suppose it's because the film isn't exactly for every taste, as it is quite grusome and unpleasant at times, and the story isn't uplifting in the slightest.

     Also, the film was quite controversial at the time of its release, due to an incident involving actress Lisa Bonet, who starred as Denise on The Cosby Show at the time. It's rumored that Bonet was forced to leave the show due to Bill Cosby disliking a certain scene in the movie. (Believe me, you'll know which scene I'm talking about when you see it.)

     So, there you have it. I highly recommend this movie if you're not easily disturbed or disgusted by films. Personally, I love it.

     My rating- * * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

Blood of Dracula's Castle

     BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE (1969): Starring- John Carradine, Paula Raymond, Alxeander D'arcy, Robert Dix, Gene O'Shane, Babara Bishop, Vicki Volante, and Ray Young.

     Directed by- Al Adamson

     Well, I'm not too eager about the movie I'm reviewing today.  Not because I'm scared by it, but because it's one of the silliest, corniest, most cliched horror movies of all time. 

     Really, almost every part of this movie, every scene, every plot point, has been done before. And they've probably been done better. But, let's forget about the plot for a moment, because honestly there are plenty of horror movies with plots lifted from other, better horror movies. But the characters- even the characters are corny and cliched.

     For instance, our main character- Count Dracula, the lord of the dead, the greatest vampire of all time.

     No, not that one.

     Oh, I wish it was that one.

     Okay, I'm exaggerating this a little. After all, It's easy for Dracula to become a cliche, he's one of the most famous literary characters of all time. His story has been adapted hundreds of times.

     So, let's move on to the next character, the Count's evil, twisted, sadistic servant.

     No, not that one.

     No, not that one.

     No, not even that one. Instead, this is what we're stuck with:

     That's right. It's John Carradine (who, I'm assuming fired his agent after this). He's an odd choice to play the servant, considering he actually had played Dracula before. Why not just have him play the part he has experience with?

     Well anyway, let's move on to our next character/cardboard cut-out, the giant, slow-witted, lumbering beast that also works for the Count.

     No, not that one.

     No, not that one. This is the lumbering beast featured in this movie:

     Yikes. Well, there are a few more examples, but I'm beginning to waste space, so I'll get on with the review now.

     The movie begins when young photographer Glen (O'Shane) and his girlfriend, Liz (Bishop) learn that they've inherited a mysterious old castle. (Sounding familiar yet?) They also learn that the castle is still being rented by it's previous tenants.

     The tenants in question are the Count and Countess Dracula (D'arcy and Raymond), who now go by the name Townsend. (I will give the movie credit for at least not using "Alucard") They live in the castle with their elderly, devoted servant, George (Carradine). He is very devoted to the Count and Countess, so much so that he actually tells them "Good night" as the slip into the coffins. Also inhabiting the castle is the lumbering, slow-witted beast, Mango (Young).

     This is the first thing in this movie that had me laughing- Mango?! The monster is named Mango? Really? You couldn't have gone with Mongo? Yeah, I know that's an incredible cliche, but that would fit in perfectly with the rest of the movie. But I suppose Mango can work too. After all, when you think "terrifying and intimidating", it's obvious that the word "Mango" pops into your head immediately.

     Anyway, the two vampires seem to have moved on from their old habits. These days, they have Mango catch their victims, after which George takes blood from them in syringes, serving it to the Count and Countess. Well, that seems kind of lazy! Have these vampires just given up the natural impulses that make them vampires? Well, I suppose they're still a notch above Edward Cullen.

     So, with all this going on, Glen and Liz soon find themselves prisoners of the Count and Countess. For some reason, there's also a young serial killer (Dix) involved in this. I'm not sure why. Maybe the director just decide he needed one more gimmick in this movie.

     So this movie is certainly no classic. The plot is silly and cliched. The characters are silly and cliched. It's all very corny. But, strangely, it almost works. This movie knows itself exactly. It's completely aware of just how silly it's premise is, and it runs with it. Also on hand are some fairly decent performances. While the young leads are pretty terrible, Carradine, D'arcy and Raymond all give good performances. They also seem to get the joke, and they play it off with a sense of humour.

     The movie was directed by shlock king Al Adamson. This man was like the second Ed Wood. He also seemed to be very interested in Dracula, having directed this, DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1971), and DOCTOR DRACULA (1978). I'm just going to say that again: This man made a movie called DOCTOR DRACULA. Wow.

     I'd also like to talk about how this movie looks. The version I saw had terrible picture quality, covered in grain and bright lines running across the screen. Normally, this would be a problem, but I actually like it in this case. It gives the movie a certain sleazy charm. I feel like I'm watching an old Super 8. After it was chewed up by a dog. And stepped on several times. And dragged behind a car for thirty-six miles. And- well, you get the point.

    So, all in all, this movie is an enjoyable, if incredibly campy, viewing experience. After all, there's always room for campy movies. You just have to be in the right mood.

     My rating- * *  out of  * * * *

The Raven

     THE RAVEN (1935): Starring- Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Irene Ware, Lester Matthews, Samuel S. Hinds, Spencer Charters, Inez Courtney, Ian Wolfe, and Maidel Turner.

     Directed by- Lew Landers

     I must apologize once again for my terrible behavior as a blogger. I promise to post reviews more frequently in the future. 

     With that said, let's talk about THE RAVEN. The first thing I should mention is that this movie is not to be confused with THE RAVEN (1963), a comedy about wizards featuring Vincent Price.

This does not happen in this movie.

     The movie I'm discussing today features Bela Lugosi as Dr. Vollin, a mad surgeon who is also obsessed with the works of Edgar Allen Poe. I mean really obsessed. I mean really obsessed. This man actually has a pendulum and a shrinking room in his home. (For the record, the film has absolutely nothing to do with Poe's poem, The Raven, except for the poem being quoted by Vollin and discussed by the characters at one point.)

     Anyway, as Vollin is a highly skilled surgeon, he ends up saving the life of Jean Thatcher, a young dancer. Vollin quickly falls in love with Jean, but learns he can't have her, especially since her father (Hinds) is against this. Vollin swears vengeance against Jean, her father, and her fiance, Jerry (Matthews).

     Around the same time Vollin encounters a wanted criminal name Edmond Bateman (Karloff). Bateman, wanting to evade the police, begs the doctor to change his face so he can begin his life anew. Instead, Vollin hideously disfigures the right side of Bateman's face, using this factor to blackmail Bateman into helping him achieve his nefarious scheme.

     Vollin's plan comes together when he invites Jean, her father, Jerry, and a few other wealthy socialites to stay in his home for a night. Having Bateman pose as his butler, he soon kidnaps Jean's father, subjecting him to numerous Poe-esque tortures. The doctor also has a few surprises in store for his other guests, but Bateman has a few surprises in store for Dr. Vollin.

     This movie has quite a lot going for it. It's yet another great teaming of Karloff and Lugosi, it has great atmosphere, wonderful set design, and a relatively good disfigurement make-up, which was designed for Karloff by Jack Pierce. It's a very good make-up design, although it's not quite as memorable as Pierce's other works, such as Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, or The Mummy.

     Unlike THE BLACK CAT (1934) and some of his other films with Karloff, this movie belongs to Lugosi. Though Karloff received top billing (as he always did), this is Lugosi's  movie all the way. He revels in the role of Doctor Vollin. He's just deliciously over the top, laughing maniacally, shouting and raising his arms to the sky. I think my favorite scene is that in which he says, of his torture device: "What a delicious torture, Bateman! Greater than Poe! Poe only conceived it! I have done it, Bateman! Poe, you are avenged!" This speech is, of course, followed by a bout of maniacal laughter. Simply wonderful, we just don't have horror villains like that, anymore...

     Karloff is also good as Bateman. He has a particularly sad monologue about his past life, and why he committed his crimes. Once again, Karloff manages to bring sympathy to character who could have simply been a cheap throw-away. Unfortunately, that stops after he is disfigured. After that, Bateman rarely talks, mostly creeping around Dr. Vollin's house. In fact, one of Boris Karloff's growls from FRANKENSTEIN (1931) is looped into the movie in one scene. The character actually becomes quite similar to the role he played in THE OLD DARK HOUSE (1932). Still, I do think the movie would lack something if someone else played Bateman.

     The rest of the cast leave less of an impression, but they perform their parts well. Though, I will say that Ian Wolfe has one very funny line.  When Vollin threatens the guests with death, he says, simply: "See here, Vollin, things like this can't be done!"

     Also wonderful is the film's set design. Vollin's home at once seems both inviting and terrifying. The film manages to perfectly capture some of the tortures described in The Pit and the Pendulum, specifically, the pendulum and the shrinking room. And, I must note: while they seem a bit tame today, the torture scenes in this film must have shocked audiences back in 1935. (Perhaps an attempt to top the skinning scene from THE BLACK CAT?)

     While, at first glance, this movie seems like an attempt to cash in on the success of THE BLACK CAT, it manages to stand on its own as very good movie. It may not be as good as some of Universal's other classics, but it's very well made, highly entertaining, and definitely worth a watch.

     My rating- *  *  *  out of  *  *  *  *

Dennis Hopper

1936-2010

R.I.P.

I Drink Your Blood, (a.k.a. Utter Insanity on Film)

     Well, at long last, I have finally returned! And, I've returned with a very special review:

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (1970): Starring- Bhaskar Roy Chowdhury, Iris Brooks, Riley Mills, Tyde Kierney, Richard Bowler, John Damon, George Patterson, Rhonda Fultz, Jadine Wong, and Lynn Lowry.

                            Directed by- David E. Durston

     Well, what a movie to come back to. I DRINK YOUR BLOOD. Movies like this are why I love the 1970's. They'll never make movies like this again. Just look at that poster up there: "Rabid, Drug-Infested Hippies On A Blood-Crazed Killing Rampage". That is just awesome. And, unlike so many movie posters' slogans, that one actually describes the entire plot of the movie. Well, there's a little more.

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD was originally titled PHOBIA, before it was put on a double-bill with the awful late-sixties zombie flick, I EAT YOUR SKIN (Hmm... maybe I'll get to that one later.) It was apparently an attempt to combine NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) with the recent real-life horrors of the Manson Family murders. Doesn't that just sound classy? However, the final result is more like THE CRAZIES (1973), if that movie had been written and directed by Charlie Manson while he was on a particularly nasty acid trip. Although, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It certainly makes for an interesting, unique horror film.

     The film follows the exploits of a group of Satanist hippies. Let the gravity of that sink in. Satanist hippies. Simply amazing. Anyway, the hippies beat and rape a young girl who tries to run away during one of their rites. Classy, ain't it?!

     After she is raped and beaten, Slyvia (Brooks) returns to her home town, which is now only populated by a few people and a crew of dam-builders. Sylvia's Grandfather (Bowler) is shocked at the state she is in.

     The hippies and their leader, Horace Bones (yeah, subtle....) just happen to be in town, and Grandpa decides to deal with them.

                                                                 Horace and his "family" 

     So, even though Grandpa has a fucking shotgun, he still manages to get beaten up by the unarmed hippies, who then slip him acid, sending him on a bad trip. After witnessing all of this, Sylvia's little brother, Petey (Mills) decides to get revenge.

     Petey happens to work at the local bakery, and decides to infect a few pies with rabies. He then serves the pies to the hippies. Damn...

                                                                           HARSH!

     So, the hippies, now infected with rabies, go on a killing spree throughout the town, and infect the entire building crew.

     Wow. I really don't know what to say. I mean just listen to that plot. How could anyone hate this movie? It's about Satanist hippies who get rabies and go on a rampage! Where else are you going to find that plot?

     Of course, the movie is not without its faults. Most of the acting is pretty bad, and there are a few shoddy special effects, but those just add to the movie's charm. I mean, you don't go to a movie called I DRINK YOUR BLOOD looking for perfection. You just go to have fun.

     However, the movie is incredibly gruesome, and certainly isn't for those who are easily offended. It's filled with gore, including hands chopped off, decapitations, people being impaled, and a pregnant woman being stabbed directly in the stomach. Tasteful, movie tasteful....

     Also, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure rabies doesn't make people do this:

     It's pretty clear that this movie is really trying to be a zombie movie. So much so, that I half-expected to see this happen:

     But, once again, I simply can't hate this movie. I just can't. I certainly wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but, If you're not bothered by extreme violence and gore, and you want to see something a little different, check it out.

     My rating- * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

      I must apologize for my rather lengthy absence. I've just been so busy lately. I promise to have a new post soon.

     -The Unknown Movie Fan

IN MEMORIAM

Corey Haim

1971-2010

R.I.P.

Twilight (Oh, god, why?!)

     TWILIGHT (2008): Starring- Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli.

     Directed by- Catherine Harwicke

     (Sigh....)

     .... I really don't want to do this. I really don't want to do this. I REALLY don't want to do this!

     Chances are, if you're a fan of horror movies, then you didn't see this movie. Chances are, if you did see this movie, and liked it, then you don't like horror movies, consequently, you wouldn't be on this blog.

     All you need to know is that I'm doing this review for a friend. You know who you are, and  you owe me BIGTIME!

     Before I get to the review, I'd like to share a little experience I had with this movie. You see, the year this came out, I had a friend who was constantly raving about it to me, telling me how much I would love it. I asked this person why, and they told me: Because, after all these years, they had finally made a real vampire movie. That very second, I was no longer friends with this person.

     Now, why could that be? Why would I end a friendship over such a small issue? Oh, maybe because TWILIGHT isn't even fucking remotely close to being a real vampire movie!

     No, this is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     This is a real vampire movie:

     Hell, even this is a real vampire movie:

     .... But not TWILIGHT. No, not by a long shot. You see, it's missing several things that are crucial to a vampire movie: A plot, interesting characters, a frightening horror element/moving romance element, and vampires!!

     Yeah, I know the movie calls them vampires, but they're not. They're fucking not! Vampires do not walk around in daylight. Vampires do not go to high school. Vampires do not invite girls home to meet their families. Vampires do not play baseball. But, most importantly, vampires DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE!!! Oh, yes, I'm so intimidated by the pale, emo-looking guy with body glitter! Screw this movie.

     I'm sure you all know the plot by now, but here's a brief description: Boring, dumbass girl meets mysterious guy. Girl falls in love with Mysterious Guy. Mysterious guy turns out to be a vampire. Girl still claims to be in love with him, apparently just instantly believing him. Mysterious Guy warns her that he wants to murder her. Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy doesn't return her feelings in even the slightest, though he doesn't show any emotions, really. Increasingly Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. Mysterious Guy nearly gets her ripped apart by "evil" vampires (who actually do act like vampires. Why can't the movie be about them? Yeah it would still suck, but to a lesser extent). Increasingly, Painfully, Stupid Girl still claims to be in love with him. THE END. In other, stronger words: Pure, unadulterated bullshit!

     Really, the biggest problem with this movie is the writing behind it. Stephanie Meyer doesn't really seem to understand how human beings behave. Men are not mindless, passionless sex objects, as she seems to think. Women are not mindless, clingy, pathetic leeches, as she seems to think. I know I used the word "mindless" twice, but that one word could really describe the whole TWILIGHT franchise. It's mindless! And, as for the story, well what story?

     But, as bad as all of that is, this could've been saved if it were at least competently made. It's not. The movie is just poorly made. Most of the shots in this film look like a bad music video. No, I'm sorry, I misspoke. Saying that is an insult to bad music videos. The movie just looks like its makers knew that they would have a huge success, no matter what they made, so they just didn't even try.

     And as for the acting, well it sucks. I know for a fact that Robert Pattinson can do so much better than this. I mean, what is he doing here?! Kristin Stewart should just find a different profession altogether. The closest thing to a good performance this movie has is the evil, blond-haired vampire, whose name escapes me right now. He actually almost had me interested in the movie. But then he's dead after about five minutes. Way to go, movie! You just go ahead and waste the closest you've gotten to actually having a plot.

     But, I suppose this isn't the worst movie I've reviewed on this site, but it's pretty close.

     In closing, I'd like to note that one critic called this "The most epic romance since TITANIC." I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that statement....

     My rating: * 1/2  out of  * * * *

The Beast Must Die

     THE BEAST MUST DIE (1974): Starring- Calvin Lockhart, Peter Cushing, Marlene Clark, Ciaran Madden, Tom Chadbon, Micheal Gambon, Charles Gray, and Anton Diffring.

                                                               Directed by- Paul Annet

     Well, welcome to the Crypt once again. Boy do I have a weird one for you today. It's a werewolf movie, a murder mystery, a blaxploitation movie, and a gimmick movie, all rolled into one. Yes, THE BEAST MUST DIE is one of a kind, and maybe that's a good thing.

     The movie centers around near-psychotic millionaire and game-hunter, Tom Newcliffe. Tom prides himself on having killed one of every animal on the face of the earth, and has now invited several guests to his private island.

     Dr. Christopher Lungdren (Cushing), Davina Gilmore (Madden), Paul Foote (Chadbon), Jan Jarmokowski (Gambon), and Arthur Bennington (Gray), all arrive at Newcliffe's mansion, hoping to spend a peaceful weekend with him and his wife, Caroline (Clark). But there's something that Caroline and the guests don't know. Tom has installed a massive security system all over the island and in the mansion. This is all overseen by Tom's security technician, Pavel (Diffring).  

     And before you can say "Most Dangerous Game", the guests find themselves trapped on the island as Tom reveals his true intentions. Each of the guests was a suspect in a murder where the victim was partially eaten. This leads Tom to believe one of them is the one type of animal that he's never hunted before: a werewolf.

     .... Wait. What? How did he come to that conclusion? I would've just assumed they were murderers or cannibals. Plus, even if that assumption made sense, isn't it possible that all of them are werewolves? In which case he's effectively committed suicide. 

     Okay, so this plot point isn't exactly well thought out, but anyway, the guests and Caroline believe Tom is merely joking at first. But, as night falls, a beast is on the prowl. Tom tries to hunt the creature down, but by the end of the night, Pavel and Bennington are both dead.

     In the morning, Tom is intent on finding and killing the beast, even if that means murder.....

     So, THE BEAST MUST DIE, is certainly unique, but there's one part that's even stranger about it. The movie actually includes- and I'm not kidding here- a "Werewolf Break", where the audience is invited to guess who the werewolf is. Words fail me.

     Also interesting is the cast. We all know Peter Cushing as one of the gods of classic horror movies, but he has one of his more atypical roles here, as a German, complete with over-the-top accent. You also might recognize Calvin Lockhart as King Willie from PREDATOR 2.... or you might not. Also included are former Bond villain and future ROCKY HORROR cast member Charles Gray, and British character actor, Anton Diffring, whose presence is somewhat wasted, though he does make his virtual cameo fairly memorable. The movie probably wouldn't be nearly as entertaining without them.

     So, there you have it. A fairly entertaining, fairly different werewolf movie with a somewhat weak plot, supported by a great cast. Also, the werewolf break is a pretty entertaining idea.

     And that's all I have to say on this one.

     My rating- * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

The Giant Claw (A turkey about a giant turkey)

     THE GIANT CLAW (1957)- Starring: Jeff Morrow, Mara Corday, Morris Ankrum, Louis Merrill, and Edgar Barrier.

                                                       Directed by: Fred F. Sears 

     Well, welcome to The Crypt, once again! You know, I hope you people appreciate what I do for you! You can't believe the movies I've seen. I can hardly believe them.

     Like today's offering, for instance. Would you believe me if I told you that there's a movie about a giant, prehistoric vulture from outer space that swoops down and munches on planes? Well, there is. Oh yes, this movie exists, and I really don't know what to make of it except, well, just that. This movie exists.

     Really, just let the gravity of the plot sink in for a moment. A giant, prehistoric vulture from outer space that swoops down and eats aircrafts. No, I'm not high. This is actually what this movie is about.

     Well, I suppose I'd better get started. Come with me, if you wish, and see the ridiculous terrors of THE GIANT CLAW!

     So the movie starts with military test pilot Mitch MacAffee (Morrow). MacAffee is running a test flight for Gen. Considine (Ankrum), when he sees a strange shape fly by him. On the ground, however, nothing shows up on the radar. Jeff returns to the ground and claims that he saw a U.F.O. that looked like "a huge battleship". Mitch is amazed when he is told that nothing was found. 

     Considine is ready to court martial Mitch, when it is reported that a commercial plane has disappeared. The last transmission from the pilot claimed that they were attacked by "a huge battleship". It immediately  becomes clear that something must be done. 

     Mitch and his girlfriend, Sally (Corday), go up in a plane to see if they can find this mysterious "battleship". They do. The U.F.O. attacks the plane and sends it down, severely injuring the pilot. Mitch and Sally seek help at the farm of kindly French farmer, Pierre (Merrill). Later Pierre hears a strange noise outside and decides to inspect it. He attacked by the strange creature, and begins to scream about and ancient French legend.

     The military finally decides to send someone to kill this strange creature, and we finally get a glimpse of this great threat to America.

     I'll be honest. Up to this point, this was a fairly decent old-fashioned B-monster-movie. The performances were good, the action was convincing, and the monster was wisely kept offscreen. But then we get to see it. I can't really describe this creature, so I decided to include a picture of it. I warn you, take a deep breath before you scroll down and look at this thing. The first time I saw it, I had to pause the movie because I was on the floor laughing. It truly is the greatest "WTF" moment in movie history. So, proceed with caution:

     .... Dear god. What. The. Hell. Was that?! I mean, how could the producers of this movie think that anybody could take that thing seriously? Well, no one did. Supposedly, at the film's premiere, the movie was laughed off the screen. What's worse is that none of the actors knew what it looked like beforehand, so they all took the movie very seriously. It's been rumored that star Jeff Morrow left the premiere embarrassed and spent the rest of the night getting drunk..... I don't blame him.

     Anyway, back to the plot. So after the military manages to take pictures of "the battleship" (Hahaha!) they try to attack it, but bullets seem to have no effect on the beast. Dr. Noymann (Barrier) discovers that the bird is from another planet, and that it is surrounded by a field of antimatter, meaning nothing made of solid matter can have an effect on it. And it's laying eggs.....

     Wow. That's really all I have to say on this one, just.... wow! I mean, what were the makers of this movie thinking?! They took what could have been a B-movie classic, and gave it a monster so ridiculous, that it became a so-bad-it's-good classic.

     Alright, I'll admit that special effects weren't very advanced back in the 1950's, but this thing is just unforgivably ridiculous. I mean.... WOW!

     Also, just a side note, here: How in the hell does that thing look like a battleship?! It looks like the bastard child of a vulture and a rubber chicken! You would have to be high or blind to think that thing looks like a battleship.

     Plus, the bird is supposed to be extraterrestrial. Can you just imagine that thing flying through space?!

     On the positive side, the performances are pretty good, and the film is well shot. I suppose if you look at it as a comedy, it might actually work. It is pretty hilarious. I guess I really can't hate this movie entirely, but, wow- that damn chicken ruins it.

      So that's THE GIANT CLAW, a movie that could've been fairly decent, but instead just ended up being utterly ridiculous. That's all I have to say, so, until next time:

     My rating- * *  out of  * * * *