In Memoriam

 

 

 

Karen Black

 

1939-2013

 

R.I.P.



Tales from the Crypt: "Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone" (Se. 01 Ep. 03)

DIG THAT CAT... HE'S REAL GONE (1989): Starring Joe Pantoliano, Robert Wuhl, Kathleen York, and Gustav Vintas

Directed by- Richard Donner

Moving right along with Season One of TALES FROM THE CRYPT (and not acknowledging my nearly-year-long absence), episode three opens as carnival performer Ulrich the Undying (Pantoliano) embarks on what will be his most dangerous stunt- being buried alive. Once he's lowered into the ground, Ulrich begins to narrate the story of how he became the famous entertainer he is now.

 

Once homeless, Ulrich was approached by a doctor (Vintas) who had developed a method of extracting a gland from the brain of a cat and grafting it onto the brain of a human, thus giving the human subject nine lives. He performs the operation on Ulrich, and then proposes a way that both he and Ulrich can exploit the experiment for money. After pitching their idea to a carnival owner (Wuhl) Ulrich is soon set up as "Ulrich the Undying"- the only performer in the world who actually dies before his audience. The act is an instant success, and brings prosperity to the flagging carnival and fame and fortune to Ulrich. However, Ulrich decides he's tired of sharing his profits and stages a fake car accident in which both he and the doctor are killed, wasting one of his lives. Now collecting all the profits from his dying act for himself, Ulrich intends for the burial to be last performance, leaving him one life with which to retire. But there may still be a few things Ulrich doesn't know about his new talent...

 

I love just about everything about this episode. In fact, this one is my personal favorite out of the first season. The story (along with its twist ending) is decpetively simple, and goes along at a very entertaining pace. The entire episode maintains a very seedy, nasty feeling all throughout, but manages to deliver it in a fairly humurous tone, which perfectly suits the carnival setting and the character of Ulrich.

 

There are however few odd editing choices (several lines are repeated back several times for some reason...) and a few visuals which don't quite work (a LOT of wide-angle lense shots in this one), but those actually manage to add to the episode for me. If I've got one complaint about TALES FROM THE CRYPT as a whole, it's that a lot of the episodes look and sound failry similar. They're all shot and edited in more-or-less the same straightforward, flat manner. Because of this, the ones that try something different seem to stick out like a sore thumb, and this episode is no exception.

 

Another thing this episode has going for it is its cast, which is phenomenal. Robert Wuhl is effectively insincere and smarmy as the carnival barker. Everything he does just highlights the overall cheap and fake atmoshpere of this carnival's entertainment (which does bring up the question of why Ulrich and the doctor couldn't find a nicer venue for their act...). Gustav Vintas is extremely funny and over the top as the Doctor. Kathleen York is also fairly good as Ulrich's showgirl girlfriend, but after a little while, her voice can tend to wear on the nerves and ears... But of course the real star of the show is Joe Pantoliano, and he damn well earns that position. You have to admire an actor who can bring across the nature of a character in something that's so relatively short as an episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT, and that's what Pantoliano does here. We know everything there is to know about Ulrich from the moment we see him on screen. We know exactly the type of person this character is- bitter, greedy, resentful- smiling and hamming it up for his audience, but vicious and conniving backstage. It's a hell of a performance.

 

Overall, this episode comes with my highest recommendation, and I think it would make a good introduction to the show. Want to know what TALES FROM THE CRYPT is all about? Then give this one a watch.

 

 

My rating: *  *  *  *  out of  *  *  *  *



Tales from the Crypt: "And All Through the House" (Se. 01 Ep. 02)

AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE (1989): Starring- Mary Ellen Trainor, Larry Drake, and Marshall Bell

Directed by- Robert Zemeckis

Ah, now this is more like it. For many fans this is that best episode of the first season. I'm not sure if I'd go so far as to say that, but it's definitely the first one that feels like it torn straight from the pages of TALES FROM THE CRYPT.

The story begins on Christmas Eve, when a young woman (Trainor) murders her husband (Bell) with a fireplace poker to the head. Her plan is to dispose of the body in a nearby well. Her plans are complicated by her young daughter, who is staying up to see if Santa Clause comes. The mother eventually manages to send her daughter to bed and proceeds outside with the body. However, unbeknownst to her, an escaped mental patient dressed as Santa Clause (Drake) is lurking about, and he has an axe...

This is a very, very good episode. It's beautifully shot, and the tone of continuously mounting suspense is perfectly achieved. The two lead performances are great. Mary Ellen Trainor is exactly what you want in a TALES FROM THE CRYPT protagonist- you root for her, but you also realize that she really has it coming. Lary Drake is exceptionally creepy in an almost-silent role as the maniac. While it hasn't got much of a twist to it, the ending is one of the most lasting images this series has to offer. It's not my personal favorite out of the first season, but it's still one of the best.

My rating- * * * *  out of  * * * *

Tales from the Crypt: "The Man Who Was Death" (Se. 01 Ep. 01)

THE MAN WHO WAS DEATH (1989): Starring- William Sadler, J.W. Smith, Roy Brocksmith, David Wohl, Gerrit Graham, Dani Minnick, and Robert Winley

Directed by- Walter Hill

So, here it is. The very first episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT. ... Well, sorta. There's actually some dissension as to which episode is the official pilot, due to the fact that the first three episodes were broadcast on the same night. However, I'm going by the order on the DVD release, and this one is first there.


The episode centers on Niles Talbot (Sadler), a former prison electrician now working as executioner. Talbot has a certain zealousy for his job and sees it as his moral duty. Unfortunately, the death penalty is suddenly overturned is his state, leaving Niles out of a job and, as he sees it, leaving many criminals unpunished. So, he does the only sensible thing- he proceeds to follow murder trials and then electrocutes anyone that gets off not guilty.


This episode serves as a decent introduction to the series. The plot is fairly simple, and there's not much in the way of violence or gore, with the exception of several electrocutions. Plus, you can see the twist ending coming a mile away.

However, one thing in particular really does stand out- William Sadler's performance. He's really the only main character, and he is phenomenal in this episode. He really sucks you into this character's head, and you actually start to like him a little. It's one of the best performances of the entire series run.


 So, all in all, this is a pretty good episode, carried by some brilliant acting.


My rating-  * * * 1/2  out of  * * * * 

And now, for something a little different...

Hello, all. I've decided to change things up a little around here, and in doing so, I figured I'd add a new feature to the blog: TV reviews. (Real original, I know...)
Now, if I'm going to review a series, it has to be something that fits along the lines of this blog- Something, gruesome, something terrifying, something horrific...



... Oh. Yeah, that should do it.

To begin with, I should probably give a little background to those unfamiliar with the show. TALES FROM THE CRYPT is an anthology series which ran from 1989 to 1995 for 93 episodes. Each episode was adapted from a story published in the comics published in the early 1950's by E.C., such as TALES FROM THE CRYPT (obviously), THE VAULT OF HORROR, THE HAUNT OF FEAR, CRIME SUPSPENSTORIES, and SHOCK SUSPENSTORIES.
These stories were frequently morality tales, with a nasty protagonist being dealt some type of supernatural comeuppance for their misdeeds.
The series was hosted by The Crypt Keeper, a demonic, cackling corpse who would chime in on the episode, making jokes and puns.


The Crypt Keeper was voiced by the very talented John Kassir, who really brings personality to this creature. Sometimes, he's the best thing about the episode.

Anyway, given the show's anthology format, I don't think a single overview of it would do it justice. So, I'm going to go episode by episode. I'll still do the other reviews, but every now and then, I'll pop in with a TALES FROM THE CRYPT episode.

The first one should be along soon. Stay tuned.

Mad Love

MAD LOVE (1935): Starring- Peter Lorre, Frances Drake, Colin Clive, Sara Haden, Edward Brophy, Henry Kolker, Key Luke, May Beatty, Ian Wolfe, and Ted Healy

Directed by Karl Freund

Welcome to the crypt, once again. I think I've been a little too 80s-heavy in my last couple reviews, so today, I'm going all the way back to 1935 with MAD LOVE. It's one of the odder 30's films I've seen. (Which is really saying something, by the way...) Let's begin.

The story centers on Dr. Gogol (Lorre, who's character is never given a first name, oddly enough.) Gogol is a brilliant surgeon, capable of working wonders on patients other doctors have given up on. His sole hobby is the theater, specifically a horror and torture themed theater, and its leading lady, Yvonne Orlac. (Drake) In the opening scene, we find Gogol admiring a wax statue of Yvonne which is placed in the lobby of the theater. After the performance, Gogol makes his way to Yvonne's dressing room, where he proclaims his love for her. Unfortunately, she tells him that she is married to a composer and piano player, Stephen Orlac (Clive), and what's more, she finds Gogol repulsive. Gogol flees the theater, distraught and humiliated.

The next day, Gogol buys the statue and places it in his home. He begins to show signs of madness, talking to the statue as if it were the real thing. Meanwhile, Stephen is on a train to Paris. Also on the train is Rollo (Brophy), a carnival knife thrower on his way to be executed for the murder of his father. Before the train can arrive, it is violently derailed. In the accident, Stephen's hands are mangled horribly. Rollo is unharmed, however, and meets the guillotine as scheduled.

Yvonne, seeing no alternative, takes Stephen to Gogol's clinic and begs the doctor to repair her husband's hands. Gogol is unenthusiastic at first, but soon sees this as an opportunity to become a hero in Yvonne's eyes. He performs the surgery and saves Stephen's hands.

Stephen is pleased at first, but begins to worry as soon as his hands heal. His hands no longer seem like his own. They can no longer play the piano, and they now have the ability to throw knives. Meanwhile, Gogol sinks deeper and deeper into insanity...

This film is great. It's one of the best of it's era and unfairly neglected and underrated by fans and critics alike. To start with, the cast is fantastic, and they all excel in their roles. Peter Lorre gives the best performance of his career as the crazed Dr. Gogol, first evoking sympathy, and then terror and disgust. It's his performance that carries the movie, and it's really fun watching him do so. (Interestingly enough, Charlie Chaplin, upon viewing this movie, called Lorre "the greatest living actor.") Frances Drake and Colin Clive give him excellent support as his intended victims. Drake is at first, very cold and selfish, but soon breaks through and delivers a very vulnerable, if melodramatic, performance. Clive, at first only a supporting character, almost steals the second half of the film in his distraught turn as Orlac. You really feel bad for this guy as he suffers. Another interesting castmember is comedian Ted Healy, most famous for discovering, then mistreating, and then losing the Three Stooges. He plays a nosy reporter, intent on finding out what goes on in Gogol's clinic. He's alright in the role, but he's there mostly for comic relief.

Another asset to this film is it's photography. It was directed by Karl Freund, who shot classics such as METROPOLIS (1927), DRACULA (1931), and also directed THE MUMMY (1932). It really shows that he directed this. The photography, which was groundbreaking in it's day, still looks beatiful and has been speculated as an influence on Orson Welles' CITIZEN KANE (1941). This movie should be shown in filmmaking classes just based on this aspect alone.

Sadly, the movie was largely unsuccessful at the box office, and has been mostly forgotten by audiences. It ended Freund's career as a director, though his career as a cinematographer would continue until his death in 1969. It's also been ingored by critics, but I think that should change. I think MAD LOVE deserves to stand alongside the likes FRANKENSTEIN, DRACULA, BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, THE MUMMY, and FREAKS as one of the great horror films of the 1930s. My advice to you is to track it down and see for yourself.

My rating- * * * * out of * * * *

In Memoriam

Bill Hinzman,

known as the "Cemetery Zombie" from

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)

1936-2012

R.I.P.

Fright Night

FRIGHT NIGHT (1985): Starring- Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, Amanda Bearse, Stephen Geoffreys, Jonathan Stark, Dorothy Fielding, and Roddy McDowall.

Directed by- Tom Holland

And so, Hollywood's remake fever has struck yet another of my favorite movies...

... Goddamn you, Hollywood. Goddamn you!

However, I'm not here to trash a remake that I haven't even seen yet. (And yes, I do plan on seeing it at some point.) I merely decided that now was as good a time as any to review the original FRIGHT NIGHT. So, without further ado, let's dig in to FRIGHT NIGHT!

The film begins when young horror fan Charlie Brewster (Ragsdale) notices some strange activity in the house next door. He spots his new neighbor, Jerry Dandrige (Sarandon), moving a coffin into his cellar. Soon after this, people soon begin to disappear around town, and Charlie begins to believe that Jerry may be a vampire.

Unfortunately, Charlie can't convince anyone around around that Jerry is a vampire. Both his girlfriend Amy (Bearse) and Evil Ed (Geoffreys), his horror-obsessed classmate, believe that he's losing his mind.

After Jerry, who is indeed a vampire, threatens to kill him, Charlie goes to the one person he believes can help him: washed-up horror movie star, Peter Vincent (McDowall). However, Vincent also thinks Charlie is crazy and merely humours him by performing a "vampire test" on Jerry. During the test, Peter accidentally sees Jerry's lack of reflection in a mirror and is convinced that Charlie is telling the truth.

This realization comes too late, as Evil Ed is soon transformed into a vampire by Jerry, and Amy is kidnapped with the intent of turing her as well. It's up to Charlie and Peter to save Amy and destroy the vampires before more victims are taken.

I LOVE this movie! Like, THE WOLF MAN (1941), this one has held a special place in my heart ever since I was a young minion of terror. I can actually remember staying up late to watch this on AMC's Fear Friday (remember that?) when I was about nine or ten years old. Even at that young age, I knew I had found something special. But, enough of my totally-unbiased nostalgia. On to the movie!

The movie is beautifully shot and edited. It's one of the most well-put together horror movies of the 1980's. And the special effects are top-notch. This movie is one of the pinnacles of special effects and make up in 80's horror movies.

But what makes this movie is its cast. Chris Sarandon is pitch-perfect as Jerry Dandrige, ranging from comedically over-the-top to terrifyingly serious. He takes what could have been a standard movie monster and makes him one of movie history's great vampires. Roddy McDowall is also perfect as washed-up horror star Peter Vincent (Named after Peter Cushing and Vincent Price) The thing is, I don't think we're supposed to like his character initially, but it's just impossible to dislike Roddy McDowall in any role he plays, especially this one. He brings such pathos and sympathy to the role that you immediately enjoy watching him. William Ragsdale is good as Charlie. He brings charm to the character and does a good job of making you root for him. Stephen Geoffreys steals every scene that isn't nailed down as Evil Ed, although his voice can be a bit annoying at times. The only weak link is Amanda Bearse, and it's not that she gives a bad performance. She's just not given much to do other than worry about Charlie and then get kidnapped. With that little given her, she's easily outplayed by the rest of the cast.

Another thing I love about this movie is it's love for the genre. This is the horror geek's horror movie. I think just about every one of us over 10 years old can remember being like Charlie Brewster: staying up late, catching whatever horror movie was showing in the wee odd hours of the night, scaring the hell out of ourselves with said horror movie and losing sleep because of it. It's a movie that makes me think back on my childhood. 

So, in summation, look this movie up. I guarantee it'll be one you enjoy. It carries The Unkown Movie Fan Seal of Approval. And, as for that... other one, I'll get to that later...

My Rating-  *  *  * 1/2   out of   *  *  *  *

Demons

DEMONS (1985): Starring- Urbano Barberini, Natasha Hovey, Karl Zinny, Fiore Argento, Paola Cozzo, Fabiola Toledo, Nicoletta Elmi, Bobby Rhodes, Stelio Candeli, Nicole Tessier, Guido Baldi, Bettina Ciampolino, Guiseppe Mauro Cruciano, Sally Day, and Geretta Geretta.

Directed by Lamberto Bava

Welcome back to the crypt! Have I got a real treat for you today... Like the subject of my (long ago) last review, THE BEYOND, DEMONS is an import from Italy. Also like the BEYOND, it's weird as hell. 

Imagine if you took everything that was great about 80's horror movies and mixed it with everything that was terrible about 80's horror movies. Well, the end result would probably be a lot like this movie. It's got all the trappings: gore, wooden acting, stereotypical characters, a pulsing punk rock soundtrack, random slow motion, and a totally nonsensical plot. And I love every second of it!

The film begins as young Cheryl (Hovey) is walking through the Berlin subway with the strange sensation that she's being followed. It turns out she's right, as a strange man wearing a silver half-mask that seems to be growing out of his face is actively pursuing her. Fortunately, it turns out the man is merely handing out tickets to a free showing at The Metropol, an upscale movie theater. Cheryl requests a second ticket so that she and her friend Kathy (Cozzo) can attend the showing, despite the fact that they have no clue about what the movie is.

Also attending the movie are George (Barberini) and Ken (Zinny), who soon have their eyes set on Cheryl and Kathy. Others in the audience include an arguing husband and wife, a blind man named Werner (One wonders why a blind man would go to the movies...), and Tony the pimp (Rhodes), who looks like he just stepped out of the late 70's.

The movie they are attending is about a group of archeologists searching for an ancient mask in a decrepit tomb. As it turns out, the mask is razor sharp, and if it scratches you, you become a vicious, demon-possessed murderer. Not-so-coincidentally, one of Tony's "friends," Rosemary (Geretta) has made the same mistake with a prop version of the mask which was displayed in the theater's lobby. Of course, the movie turns out to be prophetic, as Rosemary is soon very possessed and murderous, attacking other theater-goers and spreading the possession to them. The survivors soon find themselves trapped in the theater, and must contend with the vicious, slimy minions of hell that are fast approaching them. Meanwhile, a group of Berlin punks manage to break into the theater and soon become fodder for the demon army.

Well, I've got my work cut out for me in describing this one any further. It's... insane. It's one of those movies that doesn't seem to occupy our reality at all. The plot is totally nonsensical, yet seems to have its own weird, internal logic. The dialog ranges from dull to unintentionally (I think) hilarious, and the acting (read: the dubbing) is just out there. And I love every fucking second of it!

On a technical note, the cinematography is fantastic. The movie's colors just jump off the film and spew right into your face. It's probably no coincidence, as Dario Argento was the executive producer, and the director, Lamberto Bava, is the son of the great Mario Bava (BLACK SUNDAY, LISA AND THE DEVIL, BARON BLOOD, etc.) He clearly inherited a fantastic sense of visual style from his father. Plus, the scenery helps out a great deal. The neon-lit streets of Berlin lend a very kinetic, dangerous feel to the exteriors. And I just have to talk about The Metropol. This place looks like the coolest movie theater ever! I mean, it's just awesome. I wish I had a theater like this near where I live. 

The soundtrack, as previously stated, is an excellent mix of great '80's punk and metal, including tracks by Billy Idol, Mötley Crüe, Rick Springfield, Go West, and Claudio Simonetti of famed Italian prog rock band Goblin (another connection to Argento.) Although, to be perfectly honest, the placing of some of the tracks is a little inappropriate and distracting, but I don't care. Just look at that roster of artists. Just look at it. Need I say more...?

And there's one more thing I love about this movie: Tony the Pimp. This guy is great. He's got the John Travolta SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER suit, a gold medallion, and he talks like a mixture of Fred Williamson and Rudy Ray Moore. The second this guy walked into frame, I was rooting for him. Sadly, He doesn't last very long after the demons appear... But, he does reappear in the sequel, DEMONS 2. Maybe I'll cover that one later on...

So, that wraps this one up. It's hilarious, grusome cheese. If you can turn off your brain for the duration, it's a hell of a fun way to spend 90 minutes. Also, I happen to know from personal experience that it makes for a great party movie. So, if you get enough people together who are willing to watch it, pop it in and have a great time.

My Rating- *  *  *    out of    *  *  *  *

The Beyond (I'm back...)

THE BEYOND (1981): Starring- Catriona MacColl, David Warbeck, Sarah Keller, Antoine Saint-John, Veronica Lazar, Giovanni De Nava, Al Cliver, Michele Mirabella, Gianpaolo Saccarola, and Maria Pia Marsala.

Directed by- Lucio Fulci

Well, after a long and unfair hiatus, I've finally returned to you, my little droogies! And I've returned with one of the strangest, goriest, nastiest, most batshit-insane films ever to come out of Italy. (Which is really saying something, by the way...)

THE BEYOND begins in Louisiana in 1927, when a painter named Schweik (Saint-John) is attacked and crucified in the basement of The Seven Doors Hotel. You see, Schweik is also a warlock, and it turns out that the hotel was built over one of the seven gateways to hell, which Schweik has opened using the ancient Book of Eibon. Schweik does his best to explain that he is the only one who can save the hotel, but the angry mob attacking him doesn't listen, continuing with the crucifixion, after which, lye is thrown onto Schweik's corpse.

Flash-forward to 1981. Young Liza (MacColl) is the new owner of the now-defunct Seven Doors Hotel, which she is attempting to fix up. Unfortunately, during the repairs, a terrible "accident" occurs, causing one of her workers to fall from the top of the hotel. Dr. McCabe (Warbeck) is quickly called to the scene, simply stating "This man need to get to a hospital!" (Yeah, no shit...). Later on, Joe the plumber (De Nava) is called to help de-flood the basement. He discovers a crubmling wall, which he proceeds to break down. Unfortunately, this frees Schweik's severely decayed corpse. Schweik crushes Joe's skull and then returns to playing dead, leaving both of them to be taken to the hospital morgue.

Soon after this, Liza encouters a strange young blind woman named Emily (Keller), who warns her to stay away from the hotel, preventing a horrible process from starting over again. Of course, this being a horror movie, Liza doesn't listen. Because of this, things begin to progress very rapidly into a nightmarish torrent of insanity, with bodies piling up, murerous dogs, flesh-eating spiders, ghosts, possessions, acid-washing, and an army of living corpses led by Schweik.

This is a weird movie, to say the least. There are so many questions that this film raises that I could base the rest of this review around them. There's just so much here that's wrong. The english dubbing is terrible, the plot is scattered, the ending is abrupt, and it's very evident that this was made by people who didn't speak English (note the sign that reads "DO NOT ENTRY"). Also, like many zombie films, there are scenes that are just plain infuriating to watch. Despite knowing full well that shots to the head seem to kill these zombies, Dr. McCabe continues to fire all over the place. Just hit them in the head, dammit!

However, the film is highly enjoyable despite these problems. The film looks good, with Fulci's usual eye for visual detail. The special effects, though exceedingly gory, are very well-executed, except for some fake spiders. They look terrible. Also, the film's soundtrack by Italian composer Fabio Frizzi, a frequent Fulci collaborater, is highly catchy and wonderfully atmospheric.

All in all, this is a pretty good movie. If you can manage to turn your brain off, it's a great way to spend 87 minutes. I'd recommend it.

My rating- * * * out of * * * *

Don't Open Till Christmas

DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984): Starring- Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne, Mark Jones, Gerry Sundquist, Kelly Baker, Kevin Lloyd, and Caroline Munro.

Directed by-Edmund Purdom

Well, hello once again, my little minions. Christmas is upon us. To be honest, I've nearly run out of Christmas-themed horror movies to review. There's really not that many of them. And, yes, I know that there were four sequels to SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, but screw that. I've had enough of that movie for a lifetime. Besides we all know what would eventually pop up if I review those movies:

... Yeah. Not gonna happen. Instead, I've decided that this year, I'll stay as far away from SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT as possible. And what better way to do so that by reviewing a movie that is nearly the exact opposite of that one?

What I mean is that DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS is about a man going round killing people dressed as Santa, as opposed to a man dressed as Santa going round killing regular people. It's also incredibly stupid.

The film begins when a man performing as Santa Claus in an English nightclub being stabbed through the back of the throat with a spear. (How the killer managed to get into a nightclub carrying a spear, we'll probably never know.)

It turns out that this is the most recent in a series of Santa slayings, and Inspector Harris (Purdom) of Scotland Yard is working hard on the case. He interviews the man's distraught daughter, Kate (Mayne) but he turns up no leads in the investigation, though he suspects her boyfriend, Cliff (Sundquist).

Meanwhile, sleazy reporter Giles (Lake) attempts to sell information to another police officer, Sergeant Powell (Jones). Of course, he does this in the most cryptic, mysterious way possible, and all the while, threatening music is playing on the soundtrack. Now, I'm not trying to give anything away, but let's just say that Giles might as well have "I'M TOTALLY NOT THE KILLER" tattooed on his forehead.

While all this is going on, Several more Santas are murdered in increasingly gruesome ways: Such as stabbing, strangling, shooting, and even castration in a public restroom. (I'm dead serious.) I have to ask: are there really this many people just wandering the streets in Santa Claus outfits? I mean, I understand that the movie is set at Christmas time, but that's no excuse. Okay, so there are a few people who dress up as Santa, but that's usually only on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Otherwise, the only place you'll see someone dressed as Santa is at a mall or next to a Salvation Army stand.

Anyway, Kate continues to wonder about her father's murder when she is approached by Giles, who again acts about as suspicious as possible. Mind you, this is only about twenty minutes in. I've already essentially guessed who the killer is probably going to be. Then again, most of the supporting cast seem to be potential murderers. Cliff appears to have a severe anger issue, Giles is sleazy and mysterious, Inspector Harris seems to know just a bit too much about the case, and Gerry (Lloyd) is a porn photographer and slimy as all hell. Plus, most of the Santas are either sexual deviants or drunks or small time crooks. Seriously, we actually see a guy dressed as Santa Claus try to pick up a hooker in this movie. Who knew England was so sleazy in the 80's?

Incidentally, when we do see the killer on screen, he wears a mask that looks quite a lot like Giles' face. So, yeah, fuck any mystery there could possibly be to this movie! I think I'll just end the synopsis here, as it's far too easy to spoil the movie.

Oh, there is one more thing I'd like to mention: Inspector Harris is killed by an exploding Christmas present. I just couldn't help mentioning that.

This is an odd, for lack of a better word, movie. It' something of a hard one to review. You see, halfway through the film's production, director/star Edmund Purdom walked off the set, leaving behind only a few finished scenes. Direction was then taken over for two days by the film's writer, Derek Ford. When he was fired from the production, direction was taken over by the editor, Ray Selfe. Purdom returned for two scenes and then left the set permanently. New footage was shot, including gory inserts in the murder sequences, and was then added to the Purdom footage.

This creates a problem with the film, as Purdom plays the movie's central character, yet he isn't around for half of the movie. What we get is the rest of the cast basically describing what's happening off screen. The end product is a jumbled mish-mash of a movie. Characters appear and disappear from the plot very rapidly, important plot points take place off screen, and sometimes the footage honestly doesn't fit together that well.

But, what it lacks in narrative coherence, it makes up for in nasty murders and nasty Santas. It really seems as if this movie hates Christmas. In fact, this movie was released the same year as SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. So, that movie is greeted with controversy and picket signs, yet this movie just slips under the radar? Apparently, it's okay if twelve different Santas are killed in increasingly violent ways, but Santa simply cannot do the killing.

I'm not really sure what to say about this one. It's not very good, but it's not awful, either. It just sort of sits there, dull and flat. There's really no motivation anyone could possibly have for seeing it. I mean, who am I supposed to recommend this to? I guess, people who hate Santa Claus...?

Yeah, that'll work. If you have a homicidal rage toward Santa Claus, then this is the Christmas movie for you!

My rating: * * out of * * * *

Until next time, goodbye, and have a very Merry Christmas!

Plan 9 from Outer Space

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959): Starring- Gregory Walcott, Mona McKinnon, Duke Moore, Tom Keene, Tor Johnson, Paul Marco, Dudley Manlove (no, I'm not making that name up), Johanna Lee, John Breckinridge, Lyle Talbot, Conrad Brooks, Vampira (I'm not making that name up, either), Criswell, Tom Mason, and Bela Lugosi.

Directed by- Ed Wood.

Ah, Ed Wood, you magnificent, brilliant, insane bastard. Who else could have given us the movies you gave us?


For those of you who don't know him, Ed Wood is almost universally hailed and beloved as the worst director of all time. He brought us some of the worst, cheesiest, most insane and hilariously awful films of their time. And many movie fans, myself included, happen to love his movies for this very reason. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE happens to be a Halloween tradition for me.


So, without further ado, let's get on with the review!





The movie begins with a brief prologue, entitled "Criswell Predicts", in which popular "psychic" Criswell gives us a prediction for the future. FYI, this is Criswell:

Criswell has some wonderful advice to give us, such as: "My friends, you are interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives!" or "Future events, such as these, will affect you in the future!" Anyway, he attempts to make the claim that this movie was based on a true story (it wasn't) and we get on with the plot.

The film begins with the funeral of a young woman (played by former late-night TV hostess, Vampira). At the exact same moment, flying saucers are spotted in the sky, hovering over the graveyard. The young woman then rises from the grave and kills two gravediggers by raising her arms.

The next morning, the woman's husband (played by stock footage of Bela Lugosi) is distracted by his grief over her death, and is killed offscreen in a car accident. The man is also resurrected (now played by an obvious double).

Soon after, the gravediggers' bodies are discovered, and the police are called in, led by Inspector Clay (Tor Johnson, whose dialog is completely incomprehensible.) The old man and his wife make short work of Clay, and he is later resurrected as well.

The zombies (all three of them) and the flying saucers continue to terrorize the small town, and Earth is left with pilot Jeff Trent (Walcott) as it's only hero. We're doomed.

It so happens that a race of aliens is responsible for bringning back the dead as zombies in the hopes that this will stop humanity from creating a grand weapon that would destroy all life on Earth. So, their solution to the destruction of humanity is to destroy humanity? Makes sense, I guess...

I could write an essay on all the mistakes in this movie. There are numerous gravestones that are knocked over accidentally by the actors, the special effects are bad (and I don't mean 1950's bad, I mean hilariously bad), the dialog is stilted and silly, and most of the acting is downright awful.

Take, for instance, the flying saucers. I could describe them, but instead I've included a picture of them:

I think that photo speaks for itself.

How about the zombies? These are supposed to be terrifying, frightening creatures that will make humanity change its ways. And what do they look like, you may ask? Well, this:

Or, they look like this:

Not too intimidating, are they?

But, by far my favorite part of this of this movie has got to be the Lugosi character. You see, Ed Wood was a good friend of Lugosi towards the end of his life, and Lugosi starred in two of Wood's previous films. Unfortunately, the actor died shortly before filming of PLAN 9 began. However, Wood had leftover footage of Lugosi, and decided to splice it into the movie and market it as being Lugosi's last film. But Lugosi's character is rather central to the plot. So, half the time, we see stock footage of Lugosi, and half the time we see a double who looks nothing like Lugosi. Allow me to illustrate.

This is what the real Lugosi looked like at the time:

And this is what the double looks like:

Having trouble seeing the double's face? Well, too bad, because he does that "cape over the face" move every time he's on screen.

You know, I really should give this a negative review. I really should. There's absolutely nothing good about it, but it's just so damned entertaining. I can't bring myself to hate it. This movie is the very definition of the phrase "So bad it's good." It's really a lot of fun.

Does that mean that I'm recommending PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE? Well, let's put it this way: As a movie, it's terrible. But as a bad movie, it's a grade-A masterpiece! Besides, there are many worse ways to spend 70 minutes.

My rating: Rating this film is a somewhat difficult task, so I've decided to give it two ratings.

Regular movie scale: * out of * * * *

Trash movie scale: * * * * out of * * * *

The Bride of Frankenstein

Dear sweet lord... Nearly two months. How in the hell did that happen?! Well, with October around again and horror on my mind, I've decided to find my way back to my little blog. After all, it's the one-year anniversary of this place. Well, technically, that was a few days ago, but I didn't notice that little oversight until it was too late. So now, it's time for some Halloween reviews!






With that said, let's begin. If you'll recall, my very first review back in last October was of James Whales' seminal classic, FRANKENSTEIN (1931). Taking the logical step from there, Tonight I'm reviewing his even-more-seminal (in my opinion at least) sequel, BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935).

THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935): Starring- Boris Karloff, Colin Clive, Valerie Hobson, Ernest Thesiger, Una O'Connor, E.E. Clive, Dwight Frye, O.P. Heggie, and Elsa Lanchester.

Directed by- James Whale.

My review of the original FRANKENSTEIN was little more than a short blurb calling the movie an absolute classic. I hope I can go a little more in-depth this time, especially since I believe that this movie is even better than the first.

While it is very rare to find a sequel that is better than the original, I think this one can certainly make that claim. While the original is a brilliant and innovative horror movie, it did have its faults. This film has barely any, and improves upon the original in almost every way.

The film begins where the first one left off. Well, sort of. There is a brief prologue featuring Mary Shelley (Lanchester) explaining that she did not tell the entire story in her famous novel. (A bit unnecessary, considering that FRANKENSTEIN barely resembled Shelley's novel.)

Anyway, after that the film picks up where the original left off. Dr. Frankenstein (Clive) is being taken home to recover from his injuries while The Monster (Karloff, giving yet another fantastic performance in this role) burns alive at the hands of the angry villagers. However, The Monster isn't as dead as he seems. After killing two villagers and terrifying a few others, he is on the prowl throughout the countryside again. But, unlike the first movie, this time around The Monster is angry and on the warpath.

Meanwhile, Frankenstein is visited by an old friend and teacher, Dr. Septimus Pretorious (Thesiger). Pretorious shows Frankenstein that he has had similar ideas and created life himself. Unfortunately, Pretorious' creations were grown naturally instead of sewn togehter. Therefore, these creatures are only a few inches tall. Pretorious decides to blackmail Frankenstein into building a life-sized mate for The Monster. Frankenstein, however is unwilling to continue his work.

After meeting an old blind man in the woods, The Monster is taught to speak, and begins to desire a companion. He runs into Pretorious, who begins to use the creature as a pawn in his devilish plot. Knowing what The Monster is capable of, Frankenstein reluctantly agrees and the two scientists begin work on The Bride (Lachester, again...).

As I said before, I think this film surpasses the original in almost every way. The performances, the direction, the set design, and the cinematography are all perfect with very few exceptions. This movie is the ultimate product of Universal's horror cycle in the '30's and '40's, and I think it may be the best horror movie of the 1930's.

The performances are fantastic, especially Boris Karloff as The Monster. He brings a quiet pathos and sadness to the role, as he did in the first film. This time around, The Monster is allowed to speak, and Karloff has some brilliant lines ("I love dead.... hate living!") which he delivers perfectly . Also returning is Colin Clive as Dr. Frankenstein, giving yet another panicked, jittery performance that suits the character so well. Valerie Hobson is somewhat stiff as Elizabeth Frankenstein, but I much prefer her to Mae Clark, who played the character in the original. Besides Karloff's, the best performance in the film is delivered by Ernest Thesiger as Dr. Pretorious. He does everything in the film with such a devilish delight. This character is clearly entertained by just about everything around him, joking and laughing to his heart's content, and Thesiger delivers the dialogue with deliciously evil mirth. He also gives the most memorable line in the entire movie: "To a new world, of Gods and Monsters!" That is a true mad scientist, my friends.

Whale's direction is wonderful, and it's clear that this man knew how to make a movie. It's honestly a shame he didn't get more recognition as a director, but at least he got a biopic:

Anyway, the film looks fantastic, and was clearly a huge influence on many later horror films. This movie is responsible for just about everything we assosciate with old-fashioned horror these days. It has it all: Manic mad scientists, hulking monsters, damsels in distress, demented assitants, angry villagers, exploding buildings, a tragic ending, and best of all: the gigantic, elaborate laboratory sets (The exact props from this film were used in the original FRANKENSTEIN, this film, FRANKENSTEIN 1970 (1958), and many others, even YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974). Those are some durable sets.)

So, there you have it. BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN is an absolute classic, and required viewing around Halloween.

My rating: * * * * out of * * * *

Angel Heart

     ANGEL HEART (1987): Starring- Mickey Rourke, Lisa Bonet, Charlotte Rampling, Stocker Fontelieu, Brownie McGhee, Michael Higgins, Elizabeth Whitcraft, Eliott Keener, Dann Florek, and Robert De Niro.

     Directed by- Alan Parker

     Well, have I got an intersting little offering for you today. Alan Parker's ANGEL HEART is an absolutely outstanding film, and one that you may not have heard of. That is an absolute tragedy. I sincerely believe that this is a masterpiece of horror cinema, and of cinema itself. It effectively combines the detective genre with the horror genre, and honestly, it's a damn scary movie! 

     The film begins in 1955, in the office of private detective Harry Angel (Rourke). Angel is contacted by a strange gentleman named Louis Cyphre. (De Niro) Cyphre wants Angel to help him find a former client of his named Johnny Favorite. Favorite was a popular singer who was drafted and injured during World War II, losing his memory. Favorite was checked into a hospital, an utter vegetable. 

     Since then, Cypher has had no contact with Favorite, and wants Angel to investigate to see whether he is still alive or not.

     Angel travles to the hospital and learns from elderly, morphine-addicted Dr. Fowler (Higgins) that Favorite was taken from his hospital bed years ago. Fowler was paid to keep it a secret and he continued to falsify the hospital's records. After speaking with Angel, the doctor is murdered.

     Angel pays a visit to Spider Simpson, a former guitar player in Johnny Favorite's band, and finds that Favorite had a very shady past. Favorite carried on a relationship with a young, southern debutante named Margaret Krusmark (Rampling), while also carrying on with a woman named Evangeline Proudfoot, with whom he had a daughter, Epiphany (Bonet).

     Following this trail, Angel is lead to New Orleans, where this case begins to take on strange undertones of voodoo and satanism. After interviewing Toots Sweet (McGhee), a gutiarist associated with Johnny Favorite, Angel meets with Epiphany, who claims to have no memory of her father, except that her mother claimed that he was purely, absolutely evil.

     After meeting with Margaret Krusmark, Angel begins to have doubts about the case, and these doubt grow when his witnesses begin turning up dead, murdered in exceedingly grusome ways.

     This, however, is where I must end my summary of the movie. If I went any further, I would risk giving away the film's twist ending, and that would be an absolute crime. I'll just say that the ending works perfectly, and unlike some other films with twist endings, this one still holds up during a second viewing.

    This movie is wonderful. Everything works about it. It's truly a tragedy that it isn't more well known.

     The cast is simply magificent, especially Mickey Rourke and Robert De Niro. Rourke's gives a performance in this that I think is better than his performance in THE WRESTLER (2008). De Niro is wonderful as Louis Cyphre. Though he has little screen time, he brings a subtle, sinister presence to the role.

     The cinematography by Michael Seresin is fantastic. Everything in the movie just has a sort of seedy, trashy quality to it. This is perfectly complimented by Trevor Jone's score. Both of these factors give the film an eerie, uneasy feel to it, which is exactly what works for it.

     If I had to guess why this movie isn't exactly popular, I suppose it's because the film isn't exactly for every taste, as it is quite grusome and unpleasant at times, and the story isn't uplifting in the slightest.

     Also, the film was quite controversial at the time of its release, due to an incident involving actress Lisa Bonet, who starred as Denise on The Cosby Show at the time. It's rumored that Bonet was forced to leave the show due to Bill Cosby disliking a certain scene in the movie. (Believe me, you'll know which scene I'm talking about when you see it.)

     So, there you have it. I highly recommend this movie if you're not easily disturbed or disgusted by films. Personally, I love it.

     My rating- * * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

Blood of Dracula's Castle

     BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE (1969): Starring- John Carradine, Paula Raymond, Alxeander D'arcy, Robert Dix, Gene O'Shane, Babara Bishop, Vicki Volante, and Ray Young.

     Directed by- Al Adamson

     Well, I'm not too eager about the movie I'm reviewing today.  Not because I'm scared by it, but because it's one of the silliest, corniest, most cliched horror movies of all time. 

     Really, almost every part of this movie, every scene, every plot point, has been done before. And they've probably been done better. But, let's forget about the plot for a moment, because honestly there are plenty of horror movies with plots lifted from other, better horror movies. But the characters- even the characters are corny and cliched.

     For instance, our main character- Count Dracula, the lord of the dead, the greatest vampire of all time.

     No, not that one.

     Oh, I wish it was that one.

     Okay, I'm exaggerating this a little. After all, It's easy for Dracula to become a cliche, he's one of the most famous literary characters of all time. His story has been adapted hundreds of times.

     So, let's move on to the next character, the Count's evil, twisted, sadistic servant.

     No, not that one.

     No, not that one.

     No, not even that one. Instead, this is what we're stuck with:

     That's right. It's John Carradine (who, I'm assuming fired his agent after this). He's an odd choice to play the servant, considering he actually had played Dracula before. Why not just have him play the part he has experience with?

     Well anyway, let's move on to our next character/cardboard cut-out, the giant, slow-witted, lumbering beast that also works for the Count.

     No, not that one.

     No, not that one. This is the lumbering beast featured in this movie:

     Yikes. Well, there are a few more examples, but I'm beginning to waste space, so I'll get on with the review now.

     The movie begins when young photographer Glen (O'Shane) and his girlfriend, Liz (Bishop) learn that they've inherited a mysterious old castle. (Sounding familiar yet?) They also learn that the castle is still being rented by it's previous tenants.

     The tenants in question are the Count and Countess Dracula (D'arcy and Raymond), who now go by the name Townsend. (I will give the movie credit for at least not using "Alucard") They live in the castle with their elderly, devoted servant, George (Carradine). He is very devoted to the Count and Countess, so much so that he actually tells them "Good night" as the slip into the coffins. Also inhabiting the castle is the lumbering, slow-witted beast, Mango (Young).

     This is the first thing in this movie that had me laughing- Mango?! The monster is named Mango? Really? You couldn't have gone with Mongo? Yeah, I know that's an incredible cliche, but that would fit in perfectly with the rest of the movie. But I suppose Mango can work too. After all, when you think "terrifying and intimidating", it's obvious that the word "Mango" pops into your head immediately.

     Anyway, the two vampires seem to have moved on from their old habits. These days, they have Mango catch their victims, after which George takes blood from them in syringes, serving it to the Count and Countess. Well, that seems kind of lazy! Have these vampires just given up the natural impulses that make them vampires? Well, I suppose they're still a notch above Edward Cullen.

     So, with all this going on, Glen and Liz soon find themselves prisoners of the Count and Countess. For some reason, there's also a young serial killer (Dix) involved in this. I'm not sure why. Maybe the director just decide he needed one more gimmick in this movie.

     So this movie is certainly no classic. The plot is silly and cliched. The characters are silly and cliched. It's all very corny. But, strangely, it almost works. This movie knows itself exactly. It's completely aware of just how silly it's premise is, and it runs with it. Also on hand are some fairly decent performances. While the young leads are pretty terrible, Carradine, D'arcy and Raymond all give good performances. They also seem to get the joke, and they play it off with a sense of humour.

     The movie was directed by shlock king Al Adamson. This man was like the second Ed Wood. He also seemed to be very interested in Dracula, having directed this, DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1971), and DOCTOR DRACULA (1978). I'm just going to say that again: This man made a movie called DOCTOR DRACULA. Wow.

     I'd also like to talk about how this movie looks. The version I saw had terrible picture quality, covered in grain and bright lines running across the screen. Normally, this would be a problem, but I actually like it in this case. It gives the movie a certain sleazy charm. I feel like I'm watching an old Super 8. After it was chewed up by a dog. And stepped on several times. And dragged behind a car for thirty-six miles. And- well, you get the point.

    So, all in all, this movie is an enjoyable, if incredibly campy, viewing experience. After all, there's always room for campy movies. You just have to be in the right mood.

     My rating- * *  out of  * * * *

The Raven

     THE RAVEN (1935): Starring- Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Irene Ware, Lester Matthews, Samuel S. Hinds, Spencer Charters, Inez Courtney, Ian Wolfe, and Maidel Turner.

     Directed by- Lew Landers

     I must apologize once again for my terrible behavior as a blogger. I promise to post reviews more frequently in the future. 

     With that said, let's talk about THE RAVEN. The first thing I should mention is that this movie is not to be confused with THE RAVEN (1963), a comedy about wizards featuring Vincent Price.

This does not happen in this movie.

     The movie I'm discussing today features Bela Lugosi as Dr. Vollin, a mad surgeon who is also obsessed with the works of Edgar Allen Poe. I mean really obsessed. I mean really obsessed. This man actually has a pendulum and a shrinking room in his home. (For the record, the film has absolutely nothing to do with Poe's poem, The Raven, except for the poem being quoted by Vollin and discussed by the characters at one point.)

     Anyway, as Vollin is a highly skilled surgeon, he ends up saving the life of Jean Thatcher, a young dancer. Vollin quickly falls in love with Jean, but learns he can't have her, especially since her father (Hinds) is against this. Vollin swears vengeance against Jean, her father, and her fiance, Jerry (Matthews).

     Around the same time Vollin encounters a wanted criminal name Edmond Bateman (Karloff). Bateman, wanting to evade the police, begs the doctor to change his face so he can begin his life anew. Instead, Vollin hideously disfigures the right side of Bateman's face, using this factor to blackmail Bateman into helping him achieve his nefarious scheme.

     Vollin's plan comes together when he invites Jean, her father, Jerry, and a few other wealthy socialites to stay in his home for a night. Having Bateman pose as his butler, he soon kidnaps Jean's father, subjecting him to numerous Poe-esque tortures. The doctor also has a few surprises in store for his other guests, but Bateman has a few surprises in store for Dr. Vollin.

     This movie has quite a lot going for it. It's yet another great teaming of Karloff and Lugosi, it has great atmosphere, wonderful set design, and a relatively good disfigurement make-up, which was designed for Karloff by Jack Pierce. It's a very good make-up design, although it's not quite as memorable as Pierce's other works, such as Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, or The Mummy.

     Unlike THE BLACK CAT (1934) and some of his other films with Karloff, this movie belongs to Lugosi. Though Karloff received top billing (as he always did), this is Lugosi's  movie all the way. He revels in the role of Doctor Vollin. He's just deliciously over the top, laughing maniacally, shouting and raising his arms to the sky. I think my favorite scene is that in which he says, of his torture device: "What a delicious torture, Bateman! Greater than Poe! Poe only conceived it! I have done it, Bateman! Poe, you are avenged!" This speech is, of course, followed by a bout of maniacal laughter. Simply wonderful, we just don't have horror villains like that, anymore...

     Karloff is also good as Bateman. He has a particularly sad monologue about his past life, and why he committed his crimes. Once again, Karloff manages to bring sympathy to character who could have simply been a cheap throw-away. Unfortunately, that stops after he is disfigured. After that, Bateman rarely talks, mostly creeping around Dr. Vollin's house. In fact, one of Boris Karloff's growls from FRANKENSTEIN (1931) is looped into the movie in one scene. The character actually becomes quite similar to the role he played in THE OLD DARK HOUSE (1932). Still, I do think the movie would lack something if someone else played Bateman.

     The rest of the cast leave less of an impression, but they perform their parts well. Though, I will say that Ian Wolfe has one very funny line.  When Vollin threatens the guests with death, he says, simply: "See here, Vollin, things like this can't be done!"

     Also wonderful is the film's set design. Vollin's home at once seems both inviting and terrifying. The film manages to perfectly capture some of the tortures described in The Pit and the Pendulum, specifically, the pendulum and the shrinking room. And, I must note: while they seem a bit tame today, the torture scenes in this film must have shocked audiences back in 1935. (Perhaps an attempt to top the skinning scene from THE BLACK CAT?)

     While, at first glance, this movie seems like an attempt to cash in on the success of THE BLACK CAT, it manages to stand on its own as very good movie. It may not be as good as some of Universal's other classics, but it's very well made, highly entertaining, and definitely worth a watch.

     My rating- *  *  *  out of  *  *  *  *

Dennis Hopper

1936-2010

R.I.P.

I Drink Your Blood, (a.k.a. Utter Insanity on Film)

     Well, at long last, I have finally returned! And, I've returned with a very special review:

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (1970): Starring- Bhaskar Roy Chowdhury, Iris Brooks, Riley Mills, Tyde Kierney, Richard Bowler, John Damon, George Patterson, Rhonda Fultz, Jadine Wong, and Lynn Lowry.

                            Directed by- David E. Durston

     Well, what a movie to come back to. I DRINK YOUR BLOOD. Movies like this are why I love the 1970's. They'll never make movies like this again. Just look at that poster up there: "Rabid, Drug-Infested Hippies On A Blood-Crazed Killing Rampage". That is just awesome. And, unlike so many movie posters' slogans, that one actually describes the entire plot of the movie. Well, there's a little more.

     I DRINK YOUR BLOOD was originally titled PHOBIA, before it was put on a double-bill with the awful late-sixties zombie flick, I EAT YOUR SKIN (Hmm... maybe I'll get to that one later.) It was apparently an attempt to combine NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) with the recent real-life horrors of the Manson Family murders. Doesn't that just sound classy? However, the final result is more like THE CRAZIES (1973), if that movie had been written and directed by Charlie Manson while he was on a particularly nasty acid trip. Although, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It certainly makes for an interesting, unique horror film.

     The film follows the exploits of a group of Satanist hippies. Let the gravity of that sink in. Satanist hippies. Simply amazing. Anyway, the hippies beat and rape a young girl who tries to run away during one of their rites. Classy, ain't it?!

     After she is raped and beaten, Slyvia (Brooks) returns to her home town, which is now only populated by a few people and a crew of dam-builders. Sylvia's Grandfather (Bowler) is shocked at the state she is in.

     The hippies and their leader, Horace Bones (yeah, subtle....) just happen to be in town, and Grandpa decides to deal with them.

                                                                 Horace and his "family" 

     So, even though Grandpa has a fucking shotgun, he still manages to get beaten up by the unarmed hippies, who then slip him acid, sending him on a bad trip. After witnessing all of this, Sylvia's little brother, Petey (Mills) decides to get revenge.

     Petey happens to work at the local bakery, and decides to infect a few pies with rabies. He then serves the pies to the hippies. Damn...

                                                                           HARSH!

     So, the hippies, now infected with rabies, go on a killing spree throughout the town, and infect the entire building crew.

     Wow. I really don't know what to say. I mean just listen to that plot. How could anyone hate this movie? It's about Satanist hippies who get rabies and go on a rampage! Where else are you going to find that plot?

     Of course, the movie is not without its faults. Most of the acting is pretty bad, and there are a few shoddy special effects, but those just add to the movie's charm. I mean, you don't go to a movie called I DRINK YOUR BLOOD looking for perfection. You just go to have fun.

     However, the movie is incredibly gruesome, and certainly isn't for those who are easily offended. It's filled with gore, including hands chopped off, decapitations, people being impaled, and a pregnant woman being stabbed directly in the stomach. Tasteful, movie tasteful....

     Also, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure rabies doesn't make people do this:

     It's pretty clear that this movie is really trying to be a zombie movie. So much so, that I half-expected to see this happen:

     But, once again, I simply can't hate this movie. I just can't. I certainly wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but, If you're not bothered by extreme violence and gore, and you want to see something a little different, check it out.

     My rating- * * 1/2  out of  * * * *