The Hunchback of the Morgue

     THE HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE (1973): Starring- Paul Naschy, Rosanna Yanni, Alberto Dalbes, Victor Alcazar, Sofia Casares, and Maria Elena Arpon.

                                 Directed by- Javier Aguirre

     Well, hello once again, my little minions! I've got a strange movie to introduce you to today. But before I get to that, I have to explain a few things.

     It's impossible to talk about this movie without first explaining who and what Paul Naschy is. Some of you might know who he is already. If so, good for you. Others might not, so I decided to tell you who he is, because, he's kind of a big deal in the horror world.

    Born under the name of Jacinto Molina, Naschy changed his name and began acting in the late 1960's. He landed his first starring role in 1968 in the film LA MARCA DEL HOMBRE LOBO, released in the U.S. as FRANKENSTEIN'S BLOODY TERROR, which is strange, considering that it was a werewolf movie.

     The film was a huge success, establishing Naschy' reputation as Spain's greatest horror star. It was also the first time he would play Count Waldemar Daninsky, the tortured werewolf. Naschy would play the character in twelve more movies, throughout the late 1960's into the early 2000's, perhaps the longest running horror series of all time. Poor old Daninsky fought mad scientists, destroyed vampires, encountered mummies, Yetis(!), became Mr. Hyde(!), vanquished evil Samurai(!), and even went to space!

     Naschy truly was one of the hardest working men in the horror field. He wrote most of the movies he starred in, and made more than 90 movies, spanning four decades.

     Now, it's true that Naschy's movies were cheap, silly, and cheesy, but they're fun, entertaining cheese, and you can tell that the man behind them loved what he was doing, and truly loved to entertain.

     Today, however, I'm not reviewing one of the Daninsky movies. Instead, I'm going to review one of Nashcy's lesser-known films, THE HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. It's also one of his weirdest movies, and that is really saying something.

     Naschy stars as Gotho, a mentally ill, hunchbacked morgue attendant, who works in the hospital in a small Swiss village. Gotho's life is essentially a living hell. He is insulted by his coworkers, seen as a monster by all of the villagers, and beaten by the children of the village.

     To make matters worse, Ilse (Arpon), the girl Gotho secretly loves, is dying of tuberculosis. Gotho visits her every day, and remains confident that Ilse will survive, but the girl knows better.

     Eventually, Ilse does die, and Gotho snaps. He kills two hospital attendants, steals Ilse's corpse, and hides it in a dank, underground cavern. When rats chew up part of Ilse's face, Gotho moves her to another room.

     Knowing that the police are looking for him, Gotho goes to Dr. Orla (Dalbes), the chief of medicine at the hospital, for help. Dr. Orla decides to use the naive hunchback to his own advantage.

     You see, Dr. Orla has a problem: The hospital has cut off funding for his experiments. And just what is the purpose of these experiments, you ask? Why, to create life, of course! So, Dr. Orla promises to bring Ilse back to life if Gotho will help him. The poor hunchback believes him, and before you know it, Dr. Orla and his assistant, Dr. Tauchner (Alcazar), have moved their laboratory, including an acid pit, into the cave. 

     Unfortunately, three incompetent movers take it upon themselves to dispose of Ilse's rotting corpse, and toss it into the acid. When Gotho discovers what they've done, he murders all three of them. Gotho is completely disheartened by the loss of Ilse, but Dr. Orla promises to create a new Ilse as long as Gotho continues helping him.

     The result of Dr. Orla's and Dr. Tauchner's experiment is apparently an enormous living cell, which devours human flesh. This means that Gotho has to kidnap people to feed to the creature. Gotho begins to prey on the inmates of a nearby women's reformatory, run by Eva (Casares), who happens to be Dr. Tauchner's girlfriend. While trying to kidnap girls, Gotho meets Elke (Yanni), who is kind to him. The two of them fall in love and begin a relationship. And yes, there is a very short sex scene (shudder....).

     Meanwhile, Dr. Tauchner realizes that what they are doing is wrong, and decides to inform the police. Dr. Orla won't allow this, however, and imprisons Tauchner and Eva within the cave. 

     One night, Elke follows Gotho into the cavern. Gotho catches her, and Dr. Orla tells him to feed her to the monster. Gotho refuses, and a fight ensues between him and the doctor. Gotho knocks out Dr. Orla, and frees Eva and Tauchner. The two of them leave with Elke, while Gotho stays behind to finish off Dr. Orla.

      The fight continues, and, after being shot by Dr. Orla, Gotho frees the cell-monster from the closet they keep it in. The monster melts off half of Dr. Orla's face, killing him. It then attacks Gotho, and the two of them go tumbling into the acid pit.

     So, like I said, this is quite a weird movie. I suppose you could tell that just from reading the above plot synopsis. All I can really say is, well, it's original. A bit loopy, perhaps, but original.

     As for the acting, well, the version I saw was dubbed into English, so it's a little hard to judge the performances, but they weren't terrible. 

    Naschy is what really drives the film, however. This can be said of most of his films. The man was a very talented actor, and he brings great sympathy and tragedy to the role of Gotho, which was no small feat.

     So that's HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. Is it silly? Yes. Is it trashy? Yes. Is it terrible? Not at all. It's certainly not for every taste, though....

     My rating: * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

     Unfortunately, I have to end this review on a very sad note. Paul Naschy died on November 30, 2009, at the age of 74. I say this with a great deal of sadness and embarrassment. Sadness because the world has lost a great talent, and one of it's last great horror personalities. Embarrassment, because I didn't even know about it until just a few weeks ago.

     Still, this is no time to talk about my own shortcomings as a horror fan, but instead a time to mourn a great loss, and to look back on the magnificent career of a truly great man.

     So, to you, Mr. Naschy, I say rest in peace. You will be remembered, and you truly deserve that. You may be gone, sir, but you have left behind you a great legacy, and thousands of fans, who I'm sure will miss you. Goodbye.

                                              R.I.P.

                                          1934-2009

The Wolf Man

     THE WOLF MAN (1941): Starring- Lon Chaney, Jr., Claude Rains, Evelyn Ankers, Ralph Bellamy, Maria Ouspenskaya, Patrick Knowles, and Bela Lugosi.

                                                    Directed by- George Waggner

     Well, here we are, once again. Let me tell you something, folks. I'm not a fan of remakes at all. That's probably the understatement of the year. I fucking HATE remakes. It doesn't even matter what remake it is.

     It can be a really good remake.....

     ..... Or a really bad remake.

     I'm sorry to all you remake fans out there, but I just don't approve of remakes. I think we need some more originality in Hollywood these days. And I don't think that every movie ever made needs a remake, but that's what studio executives seem to think.

     Seriously, since 1999, everything from WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY to GODZILLA to PROM NIGHT has been given a remake. I suppose I get the attraction to most of these remakes, but fucking PROM NIGHT?! There isn't much of an audience for a bloodless, PG-13 rated remake of a third-rate 8O's slasher movie. 

     Hey, while they're at it, why don't they give us a remake of BLOOD CULT? I bet everybody wants to be reminded of that cinematic suppository.

     But what really pisses me off is when a remake overshadows the original, and people forget that the movie was even a remake in the first place. That is a great insult to everyone that worked on the original!

     So, you can imagine how far and fast my heart sank when I saw this travesty hanging in my local movie theater:

     No. You know what, no! I won't stand for this! They can remake anything else they want, but not this. They can remake CASABLANCA, but not this. I grew up with the original THE WOLF MAN, and I won't let those remaking Hollywood hacks mess around with one of my most cherished childhood memories!

     Well, it seems like I don't have much say in the matter, as the movie will be coming out. So, instead of protesting theaters, I decided to remind everyone that the original still exists with my review of it.

     The film starts out when Lawrence Talbot (Chaney) returns to his ancient family mansion in England to live with his father, Sir John (Raines). Lawrence spends some time getting reacquainted with his home town, and meets Gwen Conliffe (Ankers), whom he instantly falls for. He also purchases a silver-tipped cane from her and is told the legend of the werewolf: "Even a man who is pure in heart, and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, and the Autumn moon is bright." 

     After several attempts, Larry manages to land a date with Gwen, who brings along her friend, Jenny. The three of them go to a visiting gypsy carnival, where Jenny decides to get her palm read by creepy fortune-teller, Bela (Lugosi). And, yes, that really is the character's name. They got Bela Lugosi to play a character named Bela.

     Anyway, Bela looks into Jenny's palm and sees the image of the pentagram. Bela freaks out and warns Jenny to run for her life. While looking for Larry and Gwen, Jenny is attacked and killed by a large wolf.

     Larry hears her screams and attacks the beast. He is bitten on the chest, but manages to beat the wolf to death with his cane. He is brought home by Gwen and Bela's mother, Maleva(Ouspenskaya). Just as soon as they arrive, Maleva has disappeared.

     The police do not find the carcass of a wolf at the scene, but instead find the body of Bela. And, the next morning, the wound on Larry's chest has disappeared, leaving only a scar in the shape of the pentagram.

     This is the point where Larry's life will become nothing short of a living hell. Everyone in the town now sees him as a murderer, and he can go nowhere without someone looking at him suspiciously. 

     Larry visits the carnival again and meets Maleva. He is told by the old woman that Bela was a werewolf, and that he is now a werewolf, having been bitten. Larry rushes home as the full moon rises, and he transforms into a beast that will haunt the citizens of this small village....

     Like I said before, I grew up loving this movie, and I still love it with all my heart. But, seeing it more recently, I picked up on so many things that went straight over my head when I was a kid. I never noticed how great the musical score was, or how haunting the photography looked, or how tragic the character of Lawrence Talbot is.

     Really, he might be my favorite of the universal monsters, beating out Frankenstein, Dracula, Kharis the Mummy, and the Invisible Man, among others. This character really isn't a monster at all, just a sad man who was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. I always end up feeling so sorry for him every time I watch this movie.

     Also, the movie is much more psychological than you would expect. It's never directly stated that Larry is a werewolf until about halfway through the movie.

      Also, all of the performances are fantastic. Larry Talbot is the greatest character that Lon Chaney, Jr., ever played. That's not really saying much, honestly, but it's still a great performance. And the relationship between Chaney and Claude Rains is amazing. I actually believe that they're father and son, which only goes to show what great actors both of them are. Evelyn Ankers is also good as the love interest. I honestly feel sorry for her character at times, as well. Finally, we have the great Maria Ouspenskaya as Maleva, the single greatest old gypsy woman in any movie ever.

     And the movie is shot beautifully. The fog shrouded forests, the bright, sunny, village streets, they all look so wonderful. This isn't just a classic horror movie, this is a classic movie.

     So, next month, when the inevitable remake comes out, go see it if you want to. It actually doesn't look all that bad. But I won't be seeing it. Ever. 

     Just promise me that you won't forget the original.

     My Rating: * * * *  out of  * * * *

     A Message from the Unknown Movie Fan:

     Hello, folks out there on the net. I'd like to tell you about a very close friend of mine: Psychotic Oreo. She is a very talented writer/producer who I know personally. If you'd like to read some of her work, you can check out  Baaka Productions over at www.baakapro.webs.com. I hope you check it out, but don't think that this means you're off the hook with me. I still expect you to read every review that I put up!

The Walking Dead

     THE WALKING DEAD (1936): Starring- Boris Karloff, Ricardo Cortez, Edmund Gwenn, Marguerite Churchill, Warren Hull, and Barton MacLane.

                                            Directed by- Micheal Curtiz

     Well, I'm still a little shaken from my viewing of BLOOD CULT, but this movie helped me forget it (Thank Christ).

     The movie I'm talking about today is THE WALKING DEAD. You might not recognize that title, and I'm not entirely sure why. This movie is one of the most unjustly underrated horror films of all time. It deserves to be just as famous as any of the films Boris Karloff made at Universal. 

     The film begins with a group of criminals, led by Nolan (Cortez), who have a bit of a problem. A local judge is looking for any excuse to send these thugs to jail. So, they murder the judge and frame John Ellman (Karloff) for the crime. 

     Ellman is sentenced to death for the crime. On the night of his execution, it is discovered that Ellman is innocent. However, this news reaches the jail too late, and he is executed anyway.

     Dr. Beaumont (Gwenn) has a solution for Ellman's problem. He brings him back from the dead. However, the Doctor soon becomes obsessed with finding out what the afterlife is like from Ellman. Meanwhile, Ellman regains his memories and sets out for revenge against the men who framed him.

     I'm honestly amazed that more people haven't heard of this movie. It's not only a classic horror movie, but it's a classic movie. Period.

     The direction is perfect, and the film is beautifully shot. There are scenes in this movie which truly are visual masterpieces. Also, the performances of the cast are all excellent, especially Gwenn, who later became more famous as Santa Claus in MIRACLE ON 34th STREET.

     But none of that is what makes the film stand out. The greatest part of this film is Karloff's performance as the doomed Ellman. If there was ever a need for further proof that Karloff was a great actor, it's this movie. It's one of his best performances, managing to evoke sympathy and even love for this character who could otherwise have been a standard monster. I particularly like the scene in which Ellman is being led to the electric chair. With a look of profound sadness in his face, Karloff looks towards the heavens and says only, "He'll believe me." I'm not ashamed to admit that I got a little teary-eyed.

     This movie carries my highest recommendation. They truly don't make them like this anymore. This is one to check out.

     My rating:  * * * *  out of  * * * * 

     

Blood Cult

     BLOOD CULT (1985): Starring- Charles Ellis, Juli Andleman, James Vance, Bennie Lee McGowan, and Josef Hardt.

                                              Directed by- Christopher Lewis.

     Folks, let me tell you something about your pal The Unknown Movie Fan. I'm not a drinker. And I don't usually drink. But, there's a bottle of black absinthe that I've been saving for a special, awful occasion. Right now, I'm ready to break it out, because I've got to be drunk off my ass for this. Why, you ask? Because this is the most irritating, shrill, annoying, poorly-made, ear-splitting, skull-shattering, eye-gouging, excuse for a movie that I've ever had the extreme displeasure of seeing.

     The movie I'm reviewing today is BLOOD CULT. But, before I get to the review, I have to give a little backstory on this "movie".

     You see, in the early 1980's, VHS was slowly becoming a profitable form of home entertainment. After a film was done with it's run in theaters, it would be released on VHS and the distributor would make a killing on the profits. 

     Eventually, some studios decided to eliminate the middle-man and remove theaters from the equation. This meant they could hire amateur directors to shoot cheap movies on video, and these "movies" would be released directly to the VHS market. I put quotes around movies because most of these things were really just amateur porn without the sex, or the talent.

    Anyway, the first studio to employ this technique was United Home Video. And what was the first movie that they released this way? Why, BLOOD CULT, of course!. That's right, BLOOD CULT is the first direct-to-video movie. 

     Doesn't that just sound like the backstory of an absolute classic movie?! Well, it's not. In fact, BLOOD CULT just might be in the running for the worst movie of all time.

     Okay, let's be honest. The horror genre is filled with bad movies, and we've all seen at least one bad movie in our lives:

     But those movies at least have something remotely entertaining about them. With this movie, I was actually in pain while watching it. I mean it really hurt. I think it shaved years off my life. Seriously, I walked into this with absolutely zero expectations, and I was still disappointed. No, not just disappointed, I was insulted by this piece of garbage.  

     So, let's go ahead and get started on the atrocity that is BLOOD CULT. Oh, and if you happen to see a horrible, bloody pulp lying around, don't worry. That's not a murder victim, it's just the shredded remains of the art of film-making.

     BLOOD CULT begins when a college girl (who shows all the enthusiasm and concern of a head of lettuce) is chopped to death in her shower. The murderer steals the girl's hand and leaves behind a small gold coin. 

    The town sheriff (Ellis, who can be clearly seen reading his lines from the script several times) is called in to investigate. But, seeing as he's an incompetent dumbass, he finds no leads, and several more poorly-shot murders are committed.

     With the help of his daughter (Andleman) and her boyfriend (Vance), the sheriff eventually discovers that the coins can be traced back to an ancient cult of dog-worshipers (yes, the movie goes there). The cult's practices include human sacrifice and bodily mutilation. After an unbearable 89 minutes, the sheriff discovers that this cult might be closer to him than he expected, and it's members include the kindly old town doctor (Hardt) and- GASP!- the sheriff's own daughter!

    God, what an awful movie this is. I honestly don't know what to say. In fact, it would be easier to go point-by-point and name all the areas where the filmmakers screwed up:

1.     FILMING: Now, I'll admit that it's almost impossible to make something look good if it was shot on video, but this movie looks atrocious even by those standards. The shots in the film are flat and uninteresting, and there's nothing that catches the eye. Everything either looks like a bad 80's music video, or it looks like a bad 80's infomercial. In fact, half the time I expected the actors were going to start trying to sell me car insurance. Also, there are several scenes in the movie where it seems like the sound technician turned his equipment off. I seriously can't hear a damn thing the actors are saying. This looks like something that a fourth-grader would shoot in his back yard.
2. WRITING: To start with, the entire premise of this movie is really unoriginal. That could've been overcome if it was written halfway decently. But it wasn't. It just wasn't. The story is poorly written, the dialog is atrocious, and the characters are unconvincing and unrealistic.
3. ACTING: And, when I say "acting" I'm not really sure what I mean. I can't really call these people actors and keep a straight face. They should really be called "Cue-card-readers", or "Friends-of-the-director-who-never-acted-again". Honestly, these people are just so awful. Every delivery, every syllable spoken in this movie is either unbelievably wooden, or unbelievably hammy, or some godawful mixture of the two. Even the women being murdered are terrible. How fucking hard is it to scream?! I honestly started to feel disgust for the human race while I was watching these monstrosities.

    There. That should be all that I have to say. Do I need to make it any clearer than that? Okay. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!

    I implore you, from the bottom of my heart, don't see this movie! I'm serious. Just don't. This isn't even a movie! It's 89 minutes of torture. That's what this thing is!

    The tagline for this movie was: "The first direct-to-video movie might just scare you to death!" Well, while I may not have been scared, I will give the movie some credit for almost killing me, because about halfway through it, I was ready to shoot myself. But I didn't. I survived this tragedy. And, now, I have to go find some way to erase my memory of it.

     My rating-  *  out of  * * * *

Gremlins

     GREMLINS (1984): Starring- Zach Galligan, Phoebe Kates, Hoyt Axton, Francis Lee McCain, Polly Holliday, Judge Reinhold, Dick Miller, Jackie Joseph, Corey Feldman, Glynn Turman, John Louie, and Key Luke.

                       Directed by- Joe Dante

     Well, it's Christmas Day, and I decided to review my favorite Christmas movie of all time. Yes, that's right. GREMLINS is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. And why not? This movie is filled with Christmas-y things. Snow, Christmas Trees, lights, people giving presents, mean old rich people, happy families, cute little pets, and horrible, green-skinned demons. Why I can't even think about Christmas without being reminded of the Gremlins. I'm a messed-up person.

     This movie begins when teenager Billy Peltzer (Galligan) is given a strange new pet by his father (Axton). A mogwai named Gizmo (Voiced, oddly enough, by Howie Mandel). What's a Mogwai, you ask? Well, that's kind of hard to explain. Lets just say they're little balls of fur with huge ears and weird, little snout-things. 

     Anyway, there are three rules that little Gizmo comes with. Number one: He can't get in sunlight. That'll kill him. Number two: He can't get wet. And, most importantly, Number three: He can't be fed after midnight. Seriously, don't do it. I'm begging you. Don't feed him after midnight. GOD HELP YOU IF YOU FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT!

     ..... Oh, sorry. But you'll find out why I'm so freaked out. So Billy has been given these three specific rules, and what's the first thing he does with his cute new pet? He breaks the second rule and gets Gizmo wet. The water causes the poor creature to shriek in pain and sprout tiny lumps of fur that eventually turn into other mogwais. But, where Gizmo is cute, these new mogwais are assholes. They sabotage things, try to kill the family dog, and eventually trick Billy into feeding them after midnight. This turns them into horrible reptile-creatures that then run amok through the city, leaving destruction and death in their path on Christmas Eve. Isn't that just charming?

     I love this movie. That's all I have to say. I love everything about it. The acting is great, the story is original, the characters are interesting, and the special effects are awesome. This movie is true proof that you can do great things without the aid of CGI.

     But, apart from all of that, there is one other reason that I love this movie: Dick Miller. Who is Dick Miller? Why, just one of the best actors of the last fifty years! For those of you who are unaware, Dick plays drunken old Mr. Futterman in this movie. Dick has been acting since the late 1950's and continues to act in movies to this day. If you don't remember him in this, he also played Joe, the truck driver, in SMALL SOLDIERS, The gun shop owner in the TERMINATOR, The creepy bookstore owner in THE HOWLING, The older security guard in LOONY TOONS: BACK IN ACTION, Walter Paisley in A BUCKET OF BLOOD, and the park owner in PIRANHA. I could go on and on.

     To make a long story short, Dick Miller is awesome, and so is this movie.

     So if you want one last chance to feel the Christmas spirit this evening, watch GREMLINS, and see a bunch of horrible monsters destroy the holiday for hundreds of people.

     My rating: * * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

     Thus ends my series of Christmas reviews for this year. Once again, have a very Merry Christmas from The Crypt of Terror. And remember, if things in your house start to act up or malfunction, be careful. It might just be the Gremlins. 

Silent Night, Deadly Night

     SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984): Starring- Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero, Britt Leach, Nancy Borgenicht, H.E.D. Redford, Danny Wagner, Linnea Quigley, Leo Geter, Randy Stumpf, and Will Hare.

     Directed by- Charles E. Sellier, Jr.

     Well, it's Christmas Eve, and with Old Saint Nick on his way, I thought I'd review one of the great Christmas classics of all time: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT!

     Because, when you think Christmas, it's obvious that this image comes to mind:

     .... And what a cheerful thought it is! So full of the Christmas spirit! Just look at that skinny, non-jolly sociopath, with his obvious fake beard and his joyous, gleaming, axe. Ah, fills me up with that warm, cheerful feeling. What, you aren't reminded of Christmas when you see a murderer dressed as Santa Claus? Well, good, because he's not really Santa Claus....

     Okay, I'll stop joking. I mean, we are talking about a Christmas movie that features the line: "Time to get shit-faced!"  In fact, just go on back to the top of this post and look at that poster.  What were you expecting, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? Well, that's not what we're getting. And, painful as it may be, I'm here to review this. I may only get coal tomorrow morning, but I will review this! I might wake up in Hell the day I die, but I will review this movie!

     .... Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but this is a bad movie! Well, let's dig in to the poisoned Christmas cookie that is.... SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

     Oh, and before we get started- Those of you expecting me to make the joke, I'm not doing it. That joke is overused already. Besides, that line wasn't even in this movie. It was in the sequel.

     

     So, the movie begins with young Billy (Wilson) on a long car ride with his parents and his infant brother, Ricky.

     This happy little family is off to visit Billy's crazy Grandpa (Hare). Why they decided to do this on Christmas Eve, I'll never know, as they seem to have stashed the poor old guy in another state. I mean, if you're trying to get rid of your elderly relatives, don't go visiting them after you've succeeded.

     Then, we see the reason that Grandpa is kept so far away from them. After pretending to be catatonic, Grandpa wakes up to warn Billy to be careful. You see, according to Grandpa, Santa Claus punishes naughty children horribly, and Billy had better run for his life if he sees Santa this night.

     After this, the family start their long journey back to wherever-the-hell-they-live, and wouldn't you know it, they're flagged down and held at gunpoint by a criminal dressed as- you guessed it- Santa! Billy, taking Grandpa's advice runs for his life, while the criminal guns down his father, then rapes his mother and stabs her to death. Billy sees all of this and it leaves him with serious mental scars. While all this is happening, little Ricky is crying and there are cheery Christmas carols playing on the car's radio. Stay classy, movie, stay classy....

     .... And, that's it for this point in the plot. We're not told how Billy and Ricky survive this ordeal, or what happens to the evil Saint Nick, or even whether crazy old Grandpa survived the night. Nope. None of that. Just, cut to five years later, where Billy and Ricky are living in an orphanage run by nuns. Right now, I'm just hoping the movie doesn't turn into nunsploitation. It doesn't. 

    Billy is having serious issues with the Christmas season, such as drawing  pictures of a bloody, murdering Santa Claus, and beating up a Santa that comes to visit the orphanage. Weird, you'd think that Catholic nuns would want to focus on the whole Christian aspect of Christmas, instead of focusing on Santa. Guess not.

    Anyway, Sister Margaret (McCormick) believes that Billy needs professional help to cure him of his Santa phobia. But Mother Superior (Chauvin) decides that all he needs is a good beating, because, as we all know, Catholics don't believe in science or psychology. No, those are all lies. Just punish, punish, punish! God, how stereotypical can you get? 

     So Billy is taught by Mother Superior that "Punishment is good!" Gee, I bet this won't have any affect on him in his later years. 

     Cut to eight years later, and Billy is now grown and trying to get a job. He eventually lands a position in the stockroom of a department store run by sleazy Mr. Sims (Leach). There he works hard and gains the respect of Sims and falls in love with coworker Pamela (Nero). Unfortunately, even-sleazier Andy (Stumpf) already has his eyes set on her. At least this is what I think happened. It was hard to tell, since most of this is told through a cheezy '80's montage. I'm not kidding. There's actually a fricking ten-minute-long montage in this movie!

     It so happens that the man scheduled to play Santa for the store is sick, or dead, or something. This leads Mr. Sims to make Billy play Santa for the little children. This, of course, brings back horrible memories for Billy, but he manages to hold himself together well. Except for the fact that he threatens the children. 

    Then comes Christmas Eve. After closing, Mr. Sims breaks out the vodka a throw a Christmas party where it's "Time to get shit-faced!" While everyone is doing so, Andy takes Pamela back to the storeroom and tries to rape her. Billy accidentally sees this, and it sends him over the edge. But, instead of helping poor Pamela, he simply strangles Andy with a string of Christmas lights, and then stabs her in the chest with a boxcutter. 

     Bill then dispatches drunken Mr. Sims, and sets off on an old-fashioned holiday killing spree, including sled decapitations, shootings, and, I kid you not, impalement on a set of antlers. Yeah.

     

    So, let's be honest, this movie is nothing special. It's poorly made, for the most part poorly acted, and just bad. Even the gore effects look silly. Even the whole Killer Santa idea has been done long before this. Yet, there's something about it that I just can't resist. It has a certain tacky charm. If you'll pardon the expression, this movie has balls. It truly pulls no punches whatsoever. Really, I can't think of anything that would make this movie more tasteless. Well, maybe if it were directed by John Waters.

    And, you have to admit that the movie does have some memorable dialog- No. That train of thought can only lead back to that stupid joke, and I won't do it!

     I suppose I should also talk about the controversy. This film got into a large amount of trouble when worried parents saw a TV spot the featured an image of Billy in the Santa suit and carrying the axe. Apparently, they thought that the film was going to somehow hurt their children. Okay.... and in what screwed-up world are you letting your young child see this movie in the first place? I mean, come on! That has to be the stupidest claim I've heard since Billy Graham said that THE EXORCIST had the power of Satan behind it. It's just a movie, folks! But, if anything, this ridiculous incident proved that you do not fuck with the PTA. Theaters showing the film were boycotted and picketed, so much so that Tri Star eventually pulled the film from distribution. Wow.

     So, if you want to watch something a little different this Christmas, or if you just want to throw dirt in the face of censorship, go ahead and watch SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. You'll probably regret it, but hey, it's Christmas.

     My rating: * *  out of  * * * *

     There, I reviewed a SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movie without making that stupid joke. Oh, alright, I'll do it. But only because it's Christmas Eve:

     From everyone here at The Crypt of Terror, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, and GARBAGE DAY!