Blood Cult

     BLOOD CULT (1985): Starring- Charles Ellis, Juli Andleman, James Vance, Bennie Lee McGowan, and Josef Hardt.

                                              Directed by- Christopher Lewis.

     Folks, let me tell you something about your pal The Unknown Movie Fan. I'm not a drinker. And I don't usually drink. But, there's a bottle of black absinthe that I've been saving for a special, awful occasion. Right now, I'm ready to break it out, because I've got to be drunk off my ass for this. Why, you ask? Because this is the most irritating, shrill, annoying, poorly-made, ear-splitting, skull-shattering, eye-gouging, excuse for a movie that I've ever had the extreme displeasure of seeing.

     The movie I'm reviewing today is BLOOD CULT. But, before I get to the review, I have to give a little backstory on this "movie".

     You see, in the early 1980's, VHS was slowly becoming a profitable form of home entertainment. After a film was done with it's run in theaters, it would be released on VHS and the distributor would make a killing on the profits. 

     Eventually, some studios decided to eliminate the middle-man and remove theaters from the equation. This meant they could hire amateur directors to shoot cheap movies on video, and these "movies" would be released directly to the VHS market. I put quotes around movies because most of these things were really just amateur porn without the sex, or the talent.

    Anyway, the first studio to employ this technique was United Home Video. And what was the first movie that they released this way? Why, BLOOD CULT, of course!. That's right, BLOOD CULT is the first direct-to-video movie. 

     Doesn't that just sound like the backstory of an absolute classic movie?! Well, it's not. In fact, BLOOD CULT just might be in the running for the worst movie of all time.

     Okay, let's be honest. The horror genre is filled with bad movies, and we've all seen at least one bad movie in our lives:

     But those movies at least have something remotely entertaining about them. With this movie, I was actually in pain while watching it. I mean it really hurt. I think it shaved years off my life. Seriously, I walked into this with absolutely zero expectations, and I was still disappointed. No, not just disappointed, I was insulted by this piece of garbage.  

     So, let's go ahead and get started on the atrocity that is BLOOD CULT. Oh, and if you happen to see a horrible, bloody pulp lying around, don't worry. That's not a murder victim, it's just the shredded remains of the art of film-making.

     BLOOD CULT begins when a college girl (who shows all the enthusiasm and concern of a head of lettuce) is chopped to death in her shower. The murderer steals the girl's hand and leaves behind a small gold coin. 

    The town sheriff (Ellis, who can be clearly seen reading his lines from the script several times) is called in to investigate. But, seeing as he's an incompetent dumbass, he finds no leads, and several more poorly-shot murders are committed.

     With the help of his daughter (Andleman) and her boyfriend (Vance), the sheriff eventually discovers that the coins can be traced back to an ancient cult of dog-worshipers (yes, the movie goes there). The cult's practices include human sacrifice and bodily mutilation. After an unbearable 89 minutes, the sheriff discovers that this cult might be closer to him than he expected, and it's members include the kindly old town doctor (Hardt) and- GASP!- the sheriff's own daughter!

    God, what an awful movie this is. I honestly don't know what to say. In fact, it would be easier to go point-by-point and name all the areas where the filmmakers screwed up:

1.     FILMING: Now, I'll admit that it's almost impossible to make something look good if it was shot on video, but this movie looks atrocious even by those standards. The shots in the film are flat and uninteresting, and there's nothing that catches the eye. Everything either looks like a bad 80's music video, or it looks like a bad 80's infomercial. In fact, half the time I expected the actors were going to start trying to sell me car insurance. Also, there are several scenes in the movie where it seems like the sound technician turned his equipment off. I seriously can't hear a damn thing the actors are saying. This looks like something that a fourth-grader would shoot in his back yard.
2. WRITING: To start with, the entire premise of this movie is really unoriginal. That could've been overcome if it was written halfway decently. But it wasn't. It just wasn't. The story is poorly written, the dialog is atrocious, and the characters are unconvincing and unrealistic.
3. ACTING: And, when I say "acting" I'm not really sure what I mean. I can't really call these people actors and keep a straight face. They should really be called "Cue-card-readers", or "Friends-of-the-director-who-never-acted-again". Honestly, these people are just so awful. Every delivery, every syllable spoken in this movie is either unbelievably wooden, or unbelievably hammy, or some godawful mixture of the two. Even the women being murdered are terrible. How fucking hard is it to scream?! I honestly started to feel disgust for the human race while I was watching these monstrosities.

    There. That should be all that I have to say. Do I need to make it any clearer than that? Okay. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!

    I implore you, from the bottom of my heart, don't see this movie! I'm serious. Just don't. This isn't even a movie! It's 89 minutes of torture. That's what this thing is!

    The tagline for this movie was: "The first direct-to-video movie might just scare you to death!" Well, while I may not have been scared, I will give the movie some credit for almost killing me, because about halfway through it, I was ready to shoot myself. But I didn't. I survived this tragedy. And, now, I have to go find some way to erase my memory of it.

     My rating-  *  out of  * * * *

Gremlins

     GREMLINS (1984): Starring- Zach Galligan, Phoebe Kates, Hoyt Axton, Francis Lee McCain, Polly Holliday, Judge Reinhold, Dick Miller, Jackie Joseph, Corey Feldman, Glynn Turman, John Louie, and Key Luke.

                       Directed by- Joe Dante

     Well, it's Christmas Day, and I decided to review my favorite Christmas movie of all time. Yes, that's right. GREMLINS is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. And why not? This movie is filled with Christmas-y things. Snow, Christmas Trees, lights, people giving presents, mean old rich people, happy families, cute little pets, and horrible, green-skinned demons. Why I can't even think about Christmas without being reminded of the Gremlins. I'm a messed-up person.

     This movie begins when teenager Billy Peltzer (Galligan) is given a strange new pet by his father (Axton). A mogwai named Gizmo (Voiced, oddly enough, by Howie Mandel). What's a Mogwai, you ask? Well, that's kind of hard to explain. Lets just say they're little balls of fur with huge ears and weird, little snout-things. 

     Anyway, there are three rules that little Gizmo comes with. Number one: He can't get in sunlight. That'll kill him. Number two: He can't get wet. And, most importantly, Number three: He can't be fed after midnight. Seriously, don't do it. I'm begging you. Don't feed him after midnight. GOD HELP YOU IF YOU FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT!

     ..... Oh, sorry. But you'll find out why I'm so freaked out. So Billy has been given these three specific rules, and what's the first thing he does with his cute new pet? He breaks the second rule and gets Gizmo wet. The water causes the poor creature to shriek in pain and sprout tiny lumps of fur that eventually turn into other mogwais. But, where Gizmo is cute, these new mogwais are assholes. They sabotage things, try to kill the family dog, and eventually trick Billy into feeding them after midnight. This turns them into horrible reptile-creatures that then run amok through the city, leaving destruction and death in their path on Christmas Eve. Isn't that just charming?

     I love this movie. That's all I have to say. I love everything about it. The acting is great, the story is original, the characters are interesting, and the special effects are awesome. This movie is true proof that you can do great things without the aid of CGI.

     But, apart from all of that, there is one other reason that I love this movie: Dick Miller. Who is Dick Miller? Why, just one of the best actors of the last fifty years! For those of you who are unaware, Dick plays drunken old Mr. Futterman in this movie. Dick has been acting since the late 1950's and continues to act in movies to this day. If you don't remember him in this, he also played Joe, the truck driver, in SMALL SOLDIERS, The gun shop owner in the TERMINATOR, The creepy bookstore owner in THE HOWLING, The older security guard in LOONY TOONS: BACK IN ACTION, Walter Paisley in A BUCKET OF BLOOD, and the park owner in PIRANHA. I could go on and on.

     To make a long story short, Dick Miller is awesome, and so is this movie.

     So if you want one last chance to feel the Christmas spirit this evening, watch GREMLINS, and see a bunch of horrible monsters destroy the holiday for hundreds of people.

     My rating: * * * 1/2  out of  * * * *

     Thus ends my series of Christmas reviews for this year. Once again, have a very Merry Christmas from The Crypt of Terror. And remember, if things in your house start to act up or malfunction, be careful. It might just be the Gremlins. 

Silent Night, Deadly Night

     SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984): Starring- Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero, Britt Leach, Nancy Borgenicht, H.E.D. Redford, Danny Wagner, Linnea Quigley, Leo Geter, Randy Stumpf, and Will Hare.

     Directed by- Charles E. Sellier, Jr.

     Well, it's Christmas Eve, and with Old Saint Nick on his way, I thought I'd review one of the great Christmas classics of all time: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT!

     Because, when you think Christmas, it's obvious that this image comes to mind:

     .... And what a cheerful thought it is! So full of the Christmas spirit! Just look at that skinny, non-jolly sociopath, with his obvious fake beard and his joyous, gleaming, axe. Ah, fills me up with that warm, cheerful feeling. What, you aren't reminded of Christmas when you see a murderer dressed as Santa Claus? Well, good, because he's not really Santa Claus....

     Okay, I'll stop joking. I mean, we are talking about a Christmas movie that features the line: "Time to get shit-faced!"  In fact, just go on back to the top of this post and look at that poster.  What were you expecting, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? Well, that's not what we're getting. And, painful as it may be, I'm here to review this. I may only get coal tomorrow morning, but I will review this! I might wake up in Hell the day I die, but I will review this movie!

     .... Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but this is a bad movie! Well, let's dig in to the poisoned Christmas cookie that is.... SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

     Oh, and before we get started- Those of you expecting me to make the joke, I'm not doing it. That joke is overused already. Besides, that line wasn't even in this movie. It was in the sequel.

     

     So, the movie begins with young Billy (Wilson) on a long car ride with his parents and his infant brother, Ricky.

     This happy little family is off to visit Billy's crazy Grandpa (Hare). Why they decided to do this on Christmas Eve, I'll never know, as they seem to have stashed the poor old guy in another state. I mean, if you're trying to get rid of your elderly relatives, don't go visiting them after you've succeeded.

     Then, we see the reason that Grandpa is kept so far away from them. After pretending to be catatonic, Grandpa wakes up to warn Billy to be careful. You see, according to Grandpa, Santa Claus punishes naughty children horribly, and Billy had better run for his life if he sees Santa this night.

     After this, the family start their long journey back to wherever-the-hell-they-live, and wouldn't you know it, they're flagged down and held at gunpoint by a criminal dressed as- you guessed it- Santa! Billy, taking Grandpa's advice runs for his life, while the criminal guns down his father, then rapes his mother and stabs her to death. Billy sees all of this and it leaves him with serious mental scars. While all this is happening, little Ricky is crying and there are cheery Christmas carols playing on the car's radio. Stay classy, movie, stay classy....

     .... And, that's it for this point in the plot. We're not told how Billy and Ricky survive this ordeal, or what happens to the evil Saint Nick, or even whether crazy old Grandpa survived the night. Nope. None of that. Just, cut to five years later, where Billy and Ricky are living in an orphanage run by nuns. Right now, I'm just hoping the movie doesn't turn into nunsploitation. It doesn't. 

    Billy is having serious issues with the Christmas season, such as drawing  pictures of a bloody, murdering Santa Claus, and beating up a Santa that comes to visit the orphanage. Weird, you'd think that Catholic nuns would want to focus on the whole Christian aspect of Christmas, instead of focusing on Santa. Guess not.

    Anyway, Sister Margaret (McCormick) believes that Billy needs professional help to cure him of his Santa phobia. But Mother Superior (Chauvin) decides that all he needs is a good beating, because, as we all know, Catholics don't believe in science or psychology. No, those are all lies. Just punish, punish, punish! God, how stereotypical can you get? 

     So Billy is taught by Mother Superior that "Punishment is good!" Gee, I bet this won't have any affect on him in his later years. 

     Cut to eight years later, and Billy is now grown and trying to get a job. He eventually lands a position in the stockroom of a department store run by sleazy Mr. Sims (Leach). There he works hard and gains the respect of Sims and falls in love with coworker Pamela (Nero). Unfortunately, even-sleazier Andy (Stumpf) already has his eyes set on her. At least this is what I think happened. It was hard to tell, since most of this is told through a cheezy '80's montage. I'm not kidding. There's actually a fricking ten-minute-long montage in this movie!

     It so happens that the man scheduled to play Santa for the store is sick, or dead, or something. This leads Mr. Sims to make Billy play Santa for the little children. This, of course, brings back horrible memories for Billy, but he manages to hold himself together well. Except for the fact that he threatens the children. 

    Then comes Christmas Eve. After closing, Mr. Sims breaks out the vodka a throw a Christmas party where it's "Time to get shit-faced!" While everyone is doing so, Andy takes Pamela back to the storeroom and tries to rape her. Billy accidentally sees this, and it sends him over the edge. But, instead of helping poor Pamela, he simply strangles Andy with a string of Christmas lights, and then stabs her in the chest with a boxcutter. 

     Bill then dispatches drunken Mr. Sims, and sets off on an old-fashioned holiday killing spree, including sled decapitations, shootings, and, I kid you not, impalement on a set of antlers. Yeah.

     

    So, let's be honest, this movie is nothing special. It's poorly made, for the most part poorly acted, and just bad. Even the gore effects look silly. Even the whole Killer Santa idea has been done long before this. Yet, there's something about it that I just can't resist. It has a certain tacky charm. If you'll pardon the expression, this movie has balls. It truly pulls no punches whatsoever. Really, I can't think of anything that would make this movie more tasteless. Well, maybe if it were directed by John Waters.

    And, you have to admit that the movie does have some memorable dialog- No. That train of thought can only lead back to that stupid joke, and I won't do it!

     I suppose I should also talk about the controversy. This film got into a large amount of trouble when worried parents saw a TV spot the featured an image of Billy in the Santa suit and carrying the axe. Apparently, they thought that the film was going to somehow hurt their children. Okay.... and in what screwed-up world are you letting your young child see this movie in the first place? I mean, come on! That has to be the stupidest claim I've heard since Billy Graham said that THE EXORCIST had the power of Satan behind it. It's just a movie, folks! But, if anything, this ridiculous incident proved that you do not fuck with the PTA. Theaters showing the film were boycotted and picketed, so much so that Tri Star eventually pulled the film from distribution. Wow.

     So, if you want to watch something a little different this Christmas, or if you just want to throw dirt in the face of censorship, go ahead and watch SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. You'll probably regret it, but hey, it's Christmas.

     My rating: * *  out of  * * * *

     There, I reviewed a SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movie without making that stupid joke. Oh, alright, I'll do it. But only because it's Christmas Eve:

     From everyone here at The Crypt of Terror, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, and GARBAGE DAY!  

Black Christmas

     BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974): Starring- Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, Keir Dullea, Marian Waldman, Andrea Martin, James Edmond, and John Saxon.

                                                          Directed by- Bob Clark

     Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. Yes, I know it's been a while since my last post, but I have some vacation time coming up, and I thought I'd get myself in the good old Christmas spirit by watching the ultimate Christmas themed horror movie: BLACK CHRISTMAS.

     You may remember that in my review of HALLOWEEN, I called this movie the original slasher film. I stand by that comment. While this may not be the first movie to feature a psychotic maniac killing off the cast one-by-one, this is the first movie to employ all the classic elements of a slasher film. It's all here: The point-of-view shots, the slutty teenage girls, the isolated setting, the nasty death scenes, the creepy phone calls, the clueless police officers, even the holiday-themed title.

     The film was directed by Bob Clark, whose name you might recognize from another Christmas classic:

       Can't you just imagine little Ralphie turning into a serial killer?

     That's right. The guy who directed A CHRISTMAS STORY also directed this. In fact, this wasn't his first horror movie, either...

                     Oh, Dear God, why did I have to bring this up?   

     ....Right. Well, I promise you that BLACK CHRISTMAS is much, much better. So, with all that said, break out the fruitcake and the butcher knife, and let's dig into this charming little holiday classic. 

     The film opens in a college dormitory. The girls are all prepared to leave for Christmas, when the get a strange phone call from an unknown source. The caller says a number of grotesque, profane remarks, grunts, and screams before hanging up. This can't be a good sign. But, before the terror begins, we get a window into these girls' lives. Jess (Hussey) is having relationship problems with her unstable boyfriend, Peter (Dullea, who is way too old for the part he's playing here).  Clare (Lynne Griffin) is leaving to visit her family. Phyllis (Martin) is just the nerd who doesn't have much of a backstory.  Mrs. MacHenry is intent to drink every form of alcohol in sight, and Barbara (Kidder) does pretty much the exact same thing....

     All of these story threads could make for an interesting drama film, but then I wouldn't be reviewing it, would I? Yes, before you know it, Clare has been suffocated with a plastic bag and propped up in the attic. Somehow, no one notices this.

     The next day, Clare's father (Edmond) shows up looking for his daughter. He's fairly stiff, and has some fun scenes with Mrs. MacHenry before she gets a hook driven into her throat. 

     Meanwhile, Jess discovers that she is pregnant with Peter's child. This doesn't go over well with Peter, who seems less sane every time he's onscreen. More phone calls are made, and Jess and Phyllis finally decide to call the police. Lt. Fuller (Saxon) arrives and begins the process of tracing the calls, while also mounting the search for Clare.

     More people are eventually killed and Jess begins to suspect that Peter may be behind all of this after it is discovered that the calls are coming from inside the house (yeah, big surprise....).

     I'll also add that this film has one of the most unnerving endings of all time, but I'll never tell you what is. You'll have to watch the movie yourself.

     Anyway, this movie may not have the most original premise (though it was the first movie that I know of to use the "Calls-from-inside-the-house" twist), where it really shines is its direction and acting. The film is just oozing with atmosphere and is beautifully shot. I don't care what people say, John Carpenter definitely ripped off the opening POV shot in HALLOWEEN.

    And then there's the cast. This movie has one of the most unique casts I've ever seen in a slasher movie. First we've got Olivia Hussey, who would go on to great fame, and Margot Kidder, who later played Lois Lane in the SUPERMAN films, giving a hilarious performance. I often wonder if she was actually drunk on the set and they just let her wander into scenes. Her character also has one of the weirdest death scenes I've ever seen. Then we have Kier Dullea. I still maintain that he's too old for this part. I mean, he was in 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, for god's sake! What, was he in his forties when he made this? And he's playing a college student. Yeah, sure.... Finally we have John Saxon, fresh from his role in ENTER THE DRAGON, as the police lieutenant. He's essentially just playing the exact same character he played in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, so, if you've seen that, you can almost pretend that it's the same character before he got married and had a daughter. It's a small role, but his presence is still felt.

     So this Christmas Eve, if you're tired of watching IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, or A CHRISTMAS STORY, do yourself a favor and watch this instead. I guarantee that you'll still be awake on Christmas morning....

     My rating: * * *  out of  * * * *

Lisa and the Devil/ The House of Exorcism (Different titles, almost the same movie)

Oh, this is gonna be hell for me.... Why, you ask? Well, it's because one of these movies is a horror classic, a cinematic masterpiece, and an eternal testament to the talents of a truly great director. And the other is a rip-off of another horror classic, a hacked-up ruination of that cinematic masterpiece, and a great insult to that truly great director. But, here's the thing: these are both the same fucking movie!! Well, kind of... You see, the difference between them is.... oh forget it! There's only one solution to this: a double review!

LISA AND THE DEVIL (1973): Starring- Elke Sommer, Telly Savalas, Alessio Orano, Sylvia Koscina, Eduardo Fajardo, Gabrielle Tinti, Espartaco Santini, and Alida Valli.

Directed by- Mario Bava

Well, here I go. After the enormous success of his film, BARON BLOOD (1972), director Mario Bava was given carte blanche to direct what he would consider his masterpiece, and this is what he came up with: a hauntingly beautiful masterpiece that transcends both the horror genre and the art of film. Everything in this film is beautiful, even the death scenes.

The "plot" is as follows: Young Lisa (Sommer) is visiting Spain and follows a tour to view a beautiful fresco of the Devil carrying away the dead to Hell. When she hears a strange, whimsical music playing, she follows the sound into a small antique shop. The music is coming from a music box owned by the sinister Leandro (brilliantly played by Savalas), who bears a remarkable resemblance to the image of the Devil (hint, hint....). She wanders out of the shop and finds that her tour is gone, and that all the streets seem to be deserted.

Lisa proceeds to wander the streets, and is assaulted by Carlo (Santini), who believes her to be his long-lost wife, Elena. After accidentally knocking Carlo down a stone stairway, Lisa hitches a ride with a wealthy couple (Koscina and Fajardo) and their driver (Tinti).

The group move on until the car breaks down in front of a small villa owned by a mad, blind Countess (Valli) and her seemingly innocent son, Maximilian (Orano). These two live here all alone except for their butler- guess who- devilish Leandro. Lisa and the others decide to stay there for the night. Once inside, their night becomes a nonsensical, lyrical, dream-like, moody, nightmare of murder, betrayal, necrophilia, seduction, incest, ghosts, and a melding of past, present, and future, all overseen by Leandro, or the Devil, if you prefer....

I could go on for pages and pages attempting to describe the many things that happen within the confines of this film, but that would only ruin the experience for you. Let me just say that when you see this, don't try to make sense of the plot, this isn't a film that revolves around it's story. And there's definitely nothing else like it.

My rating: * * * * out of * * * *

Unfortunately, this version of the movie was too different for Bava's producers, who expected a simple, straightforward horror movie and got something much different. Bava could find no one to distribute the film. In fact, technically, this version of the movie was never released theatrically. Sadly, after the film had languished in the vaults for several years, it was re-edited by producer Alfredo Leone and released as....

THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM (1974): Starring- Elke Sommer, Telly Savalas, Robert Alda, Sylvia Koscina, Alessio Orano, Eduardo Fajardo, Gabrielle Tinti, Espartico Santini, and Alida Valli.

Directed by- "Mickey Lion" (Mario Bava and Alfredo Leone)

..... this monstrosity. After finding no one to distribute LISA AND THE DEVIL, producer Alfredo Leone decided to cut more than 20 minutes out of the film (including its ending) and to insert newly-shot scenes that would cash in on the most popular horror film of the day.

What movie was it, you ask? Well, just think about it. Can't figure it out? Alright, I'll give you a hint- A young woman is tied to a bed, possessed, and is being exorcised by a priest who is rapidly losing his faith. Still can't think of it? OK, here's another hint- it starts with THE and ends with EXORCIST. Yes, that's right. They took a beautiful, atmospheric masterpiece, and turned it into an EXORCIST clone. And it isn't even one of the better EXORCIST clones!

Father Michael (Alda) is watching over a young tourist (Sommer), who mysteriously began screaming profanity and spitting up green vomit (Gee, where have I heard that before?). Eventually, the priest decides it's time for an exorcism. He begins speaking with the demon and learns the story of how it came to be inhabiting the body of this poor young girl. (The "story" is really just the mangled remaining footage from LISA AND THE DEVIL.) After hearing this story, Father Michael realizes that the only way he can save the girl is to exorcise spirits from an empty, ancient villa. And he does. THE END.

Why? Why would they do this to such a beautiful, complex movie is beyond me. I mean this is just crap. In case you're wondering, the added-on exorcism scenes are godawful. Not even classic actor Robert Alda can save them with his lazy, half-hearted, phoned-in performance. And these scenes are a great insult to Mario Bava, who refused to be present during their shooting, and had his name removed from the final product (Note the "Mickey Lion" pseudonym).

Also, just look at that stupid title! "THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM"? What the hell does that mean?!

It's trash.

My rating: * out of * * * *

So, to summarize, definitely see LISA AND THE DEVIL, destroy any print you can find of THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM.

Halloween

HALLOWEEN (1978): Starring- Donald Pleasance, Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Loomis, P.J. Soles, and Charles Cyphers.

Directed by- John Carpenter

First off, Happy Halloween to all! I hope everyone enjoyed my favorite holiday! I know I did...

Secondly, it has been several weeks since my last posts. Sorry about that, but I have just been so busy that I didn't get a chance to watch or review anything.

But now, I'm back, and it is Halloween after all... So I decided to review.... um, "Halloween"!

Boy, do I love this movie. I really don't know what I have to say. It's a classic. It's a Halloween tradition here in the crypt. Everybody knows who Michael Myers is. If you don't, get off of my blog and don't come back until you see this movie! (And, no, the Rob Zombie remake doesn't count!)

All I can think to say is that this movie isn't the high-body-count, gory, nasty slasher film that the remake and all the sequels and rip-offs make it look like. Rather, this movie is a suspenseful, plot-driven thriller. In fact, in this one, Michael only kills four people. Of course, I'm not going to tell you who they are.

Also, this movie is not the original slasher film. Sorry, but it just isn't. "Black Christmas" and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" both pre-date this movie by several years. And they'd been making movies like this in Italy for years.... But I digress. None of that matters, anyway. This movie is still a classic.

The plot begins with one of the longest point-of-view shots in film history. Young Michael Myers kills his older sister on Halloween night, and then goes comatose. He taken and put in an institution where he is studied by Dr. Sam Loomis (Pleasance, who will never be topped by Malcolm McDowell, NEVER!!).

Years later, Michael escapes and drives away to Haddonfield, Illinois. Dr. Loomis sets off after him, hoping to stop another massacre.

Once in Haddonfield, Michael targets young babysitter, Laurie (Curtis) and her two friends (Loomis and Soles). On Halloween Night, he decides to make his move. For Laurie, her friends, and Dr. Loomis, Halloween will be a night of sheer terror, one that they won't soon forget (at least, not until after the eight sequels, the remake, and its sequel).

It's a deceptively simple plot that offers much more than I just wrote. It's also a plot that has been the inspiration for just about every slasher film made after it.

I guess i should talk about that oh so famous soundtrack, shouldn't I? Well, it deserves every praise that it gets. This movie's soundtrack (composed by John Carpenter) is absolutetly perfect. It's bone-chilling and completely sets the tone for the film.

All of the performances are great. Donald Pleasance is perfect for the role of Dr. Loomis, and he gives one of his best, most memorable performances. Jamie Lee Curtis is the queen of the slasher film scream queens. I love her scream, for one thing. P.J. Soles and Nancy Loomis are both very entertaining in their roles, if a little forgettable. The cast is rounded out by Charles Cyphers ad Sheriff Brackett, giving a good performance, although he's not that central to the film's plot.

But I don't need to say all of that, do I? Everybody knows this movie, whether they know it through the any of the sequels (Maybe I'll get to those next year...) or the new remakes. But let me say this: If you only know this movie through the sequels or remakes, then please go see it now. Buy it, rent it, see it online, look for it on T.V., just give it a chance. You won't be sorry, and you might even get scared by it.

My rating: * * * 1/2 out of * * * *

The Black Cat

THE BLACK CAT (1934): Starring- Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi,

David Manners, Julie Bishop

Directed by- Edgar G. Ulmer

Since I'm still trying to wash out the bad taste left in the back of my throat by FEAR NO EVIL, I decided to get back to the classics, if only for a brief 66 minutes. So, I popped in a copy of THE BLACK CAT. Well, for me, that's the perfect cure for the bad-movie-blues.

While not as well known as the other Universal classics (FRANKENSTEIN, DRACULA, THE WOLF MAN, etc.), this movie is just as great, and I'd be as quick to watch it again as I would to watch some of those others.

But what a weird movie it is. Really, I'm amazed they got away with this one in 1934....

The plot concerns a young married couple, Peter (Manners) and Joan (Bishop), on their honeymoon in Hungary. As they arrive, they end up sharing a cab with with Dr. Vitus Verdegast (Lugosi) and his servant.

While driving through a violent storm (Don't you just love how there's always a storm in these movies?), they end up crashing, which kills the driver. As luck would have it, Verdegast realizes that they are very near the home of his old "friend" Hjalmar Poelzig (Karloff). They arrive at the house and are immediately allowed to stay for the night.

But all is not as it seems. The truth is that Poelzig is a high Satanic priest, and he betrayed Verdegast during WWI, resulting in the deaths of thousands, and Verdegast's long imprisonment. Because of this, Verdegast has harbored a deep hatred for Poelzig, and has come seeking revenge. What he soon learns is that while he was imprisoned, Poelzig married his wife and adopted his daughter. Verdegast also learns that his wife has since died, and Poelzig has encased her body in a glass case, "Preserving her beauty...", and has married Verdegast's daughter.

But things don't end there. Poelzig has plans for Verdegast, and for Peter and Joan.

As I said, this movie was way ahead of its time both in plot, and in style.

The set design, camera work, photography and locations are all perfect and atmospheric.

And the plot... Well, wow. It really is bizarre and dark for the 1930's, with its Satanic rituals, hints of necrophilia, pedophilia, and the particularly nasty fate that befalls Poelzig in the film's final moments. It's also interesting that, by the end of the film, most of the cast (including an entire cult!) is dead. The only thing I could find to explain the title is that Verdegast has a pathological fear of black cats.

As for the acting, all of the performances are excellent, though I never really liked David Manners that much. Well, anyway, this was one of the first films to team Karloff and Lugosi, and they're absolutely phenomenal together. I often wonder if the story about the two actors hating each other in real life is true, because they play off of each other so well. If the rumor is true, I guess that just proves what great actors they both were.

I feel that I should mention that this movie also has some incredible dialogue ("Did you hear that, Vitus? Even the phone is dead....").

So, you should definitely see this one.

My Rating: * * * 1/2 out of * * * *

Fear No Evil

FEAR NO EVIL (1981): Starring- Stefan Arngrim, Elizabeth Hoffman,

Kathleen Rowe McAllen

Directed by- Frank LaLoggia

FEAR NO EVIL. You might not recognize that title. And do you know why you probably don't recognize that title? Because the thing is a fucking piece of garbage that has rightfully fallen into obscurity, that's why!

You may be wondering why, then, did I choose this for my second review? Because I have such a deep, deep hatred for this movie and I just have to get this review out of the way.

I really don't know where to begin with this one, with its nonsensical plot, its incoherent and unsatisfying ending, the awful acting, the idiotic, random death scenes, the pointless zombies who pop up towards the end..... I could go on and on.

In fact, I could really just describe this movie's plot and it would sound bad. You know, I think I will.....

Fade In- We learn, through the most annoying narration I've heard since PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, that the Antichrist is destined to arrive on Earth as a normal human being and be killed by one of the three Archangels before he will arrive on Earth again and bring on the Second Coming of Jesus. We find out that the narration is coming from an elderly priest who is really one of the three archangels.

The priest is on his way to kill the Antichrist, and eventually meets the demon, who does little more than just running around and screaming like he's in immense pain. The priest impales the Antichrist with a giant crucifix, and that does the trick. (Huh, you'd think the human embodiment of all evil would be harder to kill... Oh, well, at least he finally stopped screaming!)

After the main titles, we see the baptism of young Andrew Williams (Arngrim). When the holy water touches his skin, Andrew begins to bleed. This causes everyone to freak out and run away. (Geez... I know that's a weird thing to see, but you would think that at least one person would try to take the bleeding baby to a hospital...)

In what amounts to little more than a five minute montage of voice-overs, we learn that Andrew's parents have been terrified of him ever since the baptism. Fast-forward to the day of Andrew's 18th birthday. Andrew is the quiet outcast at his high school. When he's not denying an offer from the school drug pusher, he's making out with that same guy in the school shower! (Yeah, that happens in this movie....).

Andrew begins to realize that he is the Antichrist, and starts to exercise his powers. He possesses the gym coach and makes him kill a student with a dodgeball (Yes, I'm serious...).

Meanwhile, the girlfriend of the dodgeball-murdered student realizes that she is really the Archangel Gabriel (McAllen). She teams up with the sister (Hoffman) of the elderly priest, who is also an Archangel, and they set off to bring an end to Andrew's evil.

On the night of a church play and the school dance, Andrew decides it's the perfect time to bring about the end of the world. He raises zombies from a local graveyard on a small island (for some reason). Meanwhile, the drug pusher and his friends are throwing a party on the same small island. The zombies make short work of the friends, but the drug pusher and his girlfriend manage to escape. Andrew appears out of nowhere, dressed in nothing but a cape (for some reason...), makes the drug pusher grow breasts (for some reason), makes out with him again (for some reason), and then the kid stabs himself (for some reason)!

Meanwhile, Andrew's dad randomly shoots his wife in the head. And I mean randomly....

The two Archangels arrive on the island and attack Andrew, who does that same damn annoying screaming! They quote Bible verses and then impale him with the same giant crucifix. Andrew then explodes into what looks like a laser light show. THE END.

Really, do I need to say any more? How about the fact that it looks like a bad TV movie? I don't even want to start talking about the Stigmata scene.... Plus, I know this'll probably sound kind of mean, but the lead actress is incredibly unattractive. It honestly looks like she has skin cancer or something. But at least they didn't hire an actress just for her looks, not that she can act very well, either....

Well, I guess I can say at least one nice thing about it. The actor playing Andrew isn't too bad until his screaming fit at the end. And the soundtrack is awesome!

My Rating: * out of * * * *

Frankenstein

FRANKENSTEIN (1931): Starring- Colin Clive, Boris Karloff, Mae Clark,

John Boles, Frederick Kerr, Dwight Frye.

Directed by- James Whale

Well, I said I'd start out with a classic, and with Halloween on its way, what better to start with than that perennial favorite, FRANKENSTEIN?

What more do I need to say than the title? It's a classic. It's timeless. If you haven't seen it then get off of my blog right now!

But seriously, this movie is a classic in every field- The cinematography (just check out that scene that opens with five close-ups!), The dialogue (If you don't know the line "It's alive!" then you definitely need to get off of my blog right now!), and especially, the acting.

Who could forget Boris Karloff's iconic performance as the "Monster"? His performance defined what people imagine when they hear the word "Frankenstein". As for the other performances, well, Colin Clive may just be my favorite mad scientist of all time, and Dwight Frye is excellent as the creepy, sadistic, hunchbacked assistant (No, his name isn't Igor or Ygor, that came later!) Mae Clark makes a somewhat forgettable heroine, which is probably why they replaced her four years later in BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN. Frederick Kerr, who plays Dr. Frankenstein's father, is quite funny in a dry, cantankerous way.

And, while the film hasn't aged well, it still has some great, effective moments, such as the monster trying to touch the sun when he first sees its light, and the somewhat violent-for-its-time death of Dr. Waldman (Van Sloan).

But, once again, do I really need to say all of this? This movie is legendary. Its influence is still on filmmakers to this day. It has stood the test of time, and it is a classic.

My Rating: * * * * out of * * * *

But next time, I won't be reviewing something as good or as influential! In fact, it won't be good at all!

And so, it begins...

Ah, welcome, welcome! Please enter the crypt.... What I'll try to do here is review one of my favorite horror movies each week. Right now I'm still searching through the old titles to find something worthy of my first review, so until then, see you next time.....